Do Avoidants Care When You're Gone?

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Do Avoidant People Care When You're Gone?
Have you ever wondered if your avoidant ex-partner misses you as much as you miss them? If you're dealing with heartache, confusion, or just seeking closure, this video is for you. Adam Lane Smith, the attachment specialist, dives deep into the minds of avoidantly attached individuals to help you understand their behavior, especially after a breakup.

In this video, we cover:
-Do avoidant people care when you are gone?
-When and why avoidant partners might start to miss you.
-The core wound of avoidant attachment and how it shapes their behavior.
-Common thoughts and behaviors of avoidantly attached individuals during and after a relationship.
-Practical advice on responding if an avoidant partner reaches out to you again.
-Strategies for building healthy relationships, even with avoidant partners.

Key Points Discussed:
-Understanding Avoidant Attachment: Learn about the core wound of avoidant attachment and how it influences their relationships.

-The Breakup Dynamics: Discover what avoidant individuals think during and after a breakup.

-Avoidant Behavior Explained: Gain insight into the common phrases and behaviors of avoidant partners and why they act this way.

-Moving On and Finding Peace: How understanding avoidant attachment can help you find closure and move forward.

-Reconnecting with Avoidant Partners: Tips on how to navigate a potential reconciliation and when it might be worth it.

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Chapters:
00:00:00 - Do Avoidant People Care When You Are Gone?
00:02:23 - Understanding Avoidant Behavior
00:04:38 - The Survival Adaptation of Taking Care of a Woman's Feelings
00:06:51 - Risk-obsessed and Avoidant Behavior
00:09:25 - Understanding Avoidant Men/Women and Their Actions
00:11:54 - How Avoidant People Handle Letting Others Down
00:14:23 - The Stalking Behavior and Circling Back
00:16:46 - Asking the Hard Questions in Relationships
00:19:05 - Building a Connection with Your Partner
00:21:21 - Your Current Location

[K-O_S_S]

When they don’t communicate their feelings and break up with you out of nowhere, it feels like the whole relationship didn’t matter to them.

[asilsdaydream]

Currently detoxing and recovering. I can’t believe the levels I stooped to to try and keep him around. I’m somewhat ashamed. I wasn’t myself and I’m regaining my power, boundaries and self-awareness. You’ve helped me tremendously.

[Kavilion]

Around the time they realize you aren’t hurting anymore they’ll come back to destroy you again.

[Pookia]

He is a Dissmissive Avoidant. After 3 years of relationship and 5 years being in love with him ... we were planning an overdue vacation together ..he ghosted me.For 3 months .I did not tried to reach out. I was just focused on healing and moving on. Couple days ago he reached out : hi, how are you?as if he never discarded me and disappeared...as if yesterday we were talking..i was speechless. I answered 19 hours later . I said : Hi, i am doing good.thank you...i knew from the bottom of my heart that i ve just disconnected from him and forever. It did not hurt. It felt alright. when I woke up the next morning. I was not in love with him anymore. Beautiful people, listen, Avoidants don't give closureThey disappearance, them ghosting you....is the closure you need.Never settle for the toxic love.

[hconn]

I know pretty much everyone in the comments thinks we are subhuman monsters but for the ppl that really want to try and understand us, ill elaborate on his points in a slightly more humanizing manner and give you answers that honestly might offer better insight if you have or had an avoidant partner you love. Firstly we do care, we care about everything and everything hurts.we will probably never admit to anyone openly that we are damaged in a way we don't understand and can't cope with. So we naturally run. When we fall in love with ppl the first few months or month might be okay because we so desperately crave love but eventually the fear of vulnerability and the pain of being hurt become exponentially overwhelming. We do analyze risk, but unforetunately there is nearly 0 optimism involved. We just see a devastatingly painful end and someone that we loved gone. We OBSESS over these thoughts constantly. We see them in everything, every argument, every interaction we are anticipating the end. This is especially true if you are an anxious avoidant and you are overwhelming us with your emotions. We are so poor at regulating the duality of our own emotions that sometimes just smiling hurts. Just being present hurts. Everything hurts and we are constantly on edge and anxious and we never trust, even when presented with good reason to trust people, we are indeed lone wolves. I know outwardly we appear angry and mean but its one of our ways of running. Eventually we shut down and separate, recede into our own morbid world where everything is bad. And from that point on, we have tunnel vision. We constantly think of the end, we think of all the bad things and we want nothing more than to run. We lose sight of ourselves and our partners in the process. We eventually turn whatever love we had into this insatiable urge to run, to disappear and be free. And the more we loved our partner the stronger this urge is. We will try to get over you while with you so that when we fail, and we're finished, the hurt isn't impossible to bear. Running is the only solution that makes sense to us because we suck at productive confrontation. It's hard for us to handle any rejection or emotions that are negative. And we aren't insecure narcissists trying to ruin ppl, we're just hyper sensitive, afraid, and obsessed with those fears. Id even argue anxious and avoidant styles are nearly identical in causality. We both fear the same things, however, avoidants disappear while anxiously attached ppl try to build even more emotional connection. But trust and believe, if we ever really loved you, we hurt, and we cry, we just will never let anyone see. We will tell you any lie to get you to not prod about our emotions and the true pain we feel. We will smile until we cant anymore and when we do run away from people it was often a coping mechanism we planned on resorting to when things became too overwhelming for us. Now obviously for different men, there will be different levels to the extent that we express these qualities but im nearly certain that all avoidants are suffering from some kind of pain they are afraid to share, and we refuse to open up. However that doesnt excuse what we do, and some avoidants are just remorseless and selfish as a lot of people are. But a lot of us are not. I didn't even realize I was this broken until I left the woman I loved and hurt her in the process. Because I refused to listen to her, I refused to change, because all I could see was darkness in the tunnel I was in. But I did love her, I protected her physically and emotionally from everyone, I celebrated her victories with her, I held her when she cried, I was a good listener and I tried to teach her new things. I cooked with her, cleaned with her, watched movies and laughed with her, I tried to be open and even tho she was I took all my emotions and buried them. sometimes no matter how much I laughed I never let her see the whole laugh. I never let her see my real tears or have my real heart and I tried so hard and I could not. I often would do things to stifle my own love so I didnt look too emotional, if she gave me a gift I struggled to take it, tho I could give them, I often made them by hand so she knew I put in effort, or I bought things I knew she loved like cool jewelry or clothes. I made her songs. But id never tell her how much i loved her, just a faint smile and a hug and a kiss. I never verbally communicated too much love. We had sex but never made love. Sometimes I said mean awful things if I felt rejected or hurt because I thought that was a good way to protect myself. And I was so hurt I didn't see that I protected her from everyone but myself. And damn was she also a broken but amazing woman and we had a lot of external issue but I digress, we are not these evil master manipulators and the only real lies some of us tell you is how little we care. When it's the opposite. But we'd rather lose our own loves, than deal with the torment of being in love. If your avoidant did love you, if he did show you he cared, in all the ways he could, he definitely loved you, and he hurt. Some of you may have had much worse avoidants that were able to fully make themselves fall out of caring about u before u even had a real relationship and some of them may have never displayed a signal emotion to you. Whatever the range avoidants are human. And on their behalf I apologize because they may never tell you. We run, and we run, and we run. I'm sorry. And I hope even the little insight I could give helps you recover. I can't undo the damage I've done to who I loved. But maybe I can help someone else

[djpdyson]

You're lucky if they even tell you anything when they break up with you. You're more likely to get ghosted and discarded without a word

[dvegas]

Turning down $1, 000 oxytocin for $1 dopamine 😅

[cinnamongyrl]

I've read thru the comments and they pretty much mirror my experience. The first 8 months of pure love and connection, he's into me. Then finds a crazy reason to break up. Give him the breakup, no contact, a month later, he's back. Then the breadcrumbs to make sure Im still available. Then, a little stalking. Then I find out he's seeing someone. Then a month later, he's back to breadcrumbs. I'm over it. I want to get back to sanity. I wasn’t anxious before now and never an issue walking away. This whole experience has a stronghold on me and Im trying to find my way out.

[michelledaraban-najar]

When I read all the comments it seems to me that they are disappearing while they are investing in another relationship. They return when the other relationship doesn’t work out. They don’t tell you where they really were because then you wouldn’t take them back.

[boisebabe]

Maybe they aren’t bad people but they’re absolutely harmful to the person who’s in the relationship with them. Even if it means single hood, choose yourself over trying to have a relationship with an avoidant. It is one of the most frustrating, angering and extremely painful experiences you can have.

[KaylaNoelle]

I just had to break up with my avoidant over text a few hours ago. I poured my heart out so many times and just wanted to heal together. I didn’t even want to do it over text but I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday, I kept fighting for hope that he would put in the effort and we could heal side by side. I just wanted the best for him and us but the coldness and the stonewalling and not being able to just spend time with or speak to my boyfriend if I wanted to was killing my soul, I can’t even describe the pain. I was so secure before we met and I don’t even recognize myself anymore, that’s what drove me to finally end it, I’m not even acting like myself and he’s acting like I’m crazy. I was just reacting to mistreatment and I held my tongue or let myself calm down before reacting many times he has no idea.

[marcd]

For those of you coming to these videos looking for an answer on how to make it make sense or to repair the lost relationship with an avoidant, here's your answer: There is no answer. The universe taught you a tremendous lesson, you've got a bunch of stuff to work on because you allowed yourself to get into this situation in the first place. This is about you, not the avoidant. If you learn this lesson and do the work, you'll find that the other end of the tunnel is pretty awesome. If you don't, then the universe will throw this lesson at you again and again, but each time it gets worse.

You don't try to understand/work with or reform an avoidant. You recognize who they are and you walk away. Never get involved with them in the first place. They are very broken people and will only drag you down into their chaos. These people have to work on themselves, 90% never will, that's their journey, not yours.

[R-xz]

It’s so unsettling the way they escape relationship and accountability suddenly without any real talk, without any concern for your wellbeing, after draining you completely, lowering your self-esteem, making you feel you are just a toy they used and threw and leaving you to pick up the pieces of your broken heart you don’t know you will ever be able to put back together. Toxic people don’t end up in therapy their victims do.
I hope god is watching and karma will get them for giving us mental health issues.

[natto]

The "vending machines think $1000 bills are garbage" analogy is great. Good video. I'm mostly watching this to understand the behavior of an avoidant/disorganized friend.

[TamasMateffy]

As an avoidant, I got smashed by your videos. You connected so many pieces of puzzle in my head. 2 months after a very difficult breakup, can’t even describe how harsh it is to realize that my brain chemistry is fucking up my life. Reading the comments also hits like a ton of bricks how the 75% of people have no clue what are we really going through. I’m glad they don’t get it really. Being an avoidant sucks BIG time. I don’t even know how to start changing my brain totally, or if it’s even possible.

[annemariepast]

I was with an avoident person for 9 yrs waiting for him to change. He was hot and cold. I never knew where I stood with him. He never wanted to talk about feelings. It was very cruel, and I couldn't understand why he would disappear and then come back with no explanation or apology. He even said he didn't know why he does what he does & wish he knew why because he really cared about me. I just couldn't handle the hurt. disappointment anymore and had to stop. He still will send me random pictures of himself, food,
pictures of me without giving me a reason.
Listening to you helps me understand him better, but I see no hope from him. I see no change. 9 yrs of my life was enough!

[astudent]

This is what we should be promoting instead of toxic red pill alpha stupidity

[zhengzhang]

Avoidant doesn’t care since all situationships are very superficial. Avoidant already burned the emotions before he felt the emotions.

[alexmurphybrown]

I just realized there will never be any relationship with an emotionally unstable or unavailable person. You were right, 7 months!! Our marriage license is still valid today and he’s acting like he never knew me and he can’t wait to go back to his reclusive life!! There is no life with a robot!

[Flufero]

He pulled away from me, a mostly secure good partner of four yesrs, after expressing deep feelings.. He monkey branched to a victim of emotional abuse. He wanted to keep me as a friend. I declined and let him go without tears or drama.Never again. Sad. I am healing and moving forward.