Why anxious and avoidant partners are attracted to each other and how to make it work.

If you have an anxious attachment style or an avoidant one, chances are, you’ve partnered up with your opposite attachment style at least a handful of times. Anxious and avoidant folks are magnetized to each other. Those are the rules. In this video we’ll explore why they’re attracted to each other and how they can have a healthier relationship together.

#attachmentstyle #anxiousattachmentstyle #relationships #datingadvice

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[tavoton]

The main issue I have with Avoidants is that they tend to favor ending the relationship before working on it, while the Anxious Attacher tries and claws desperately to try to understand and make the relationship work, separation being their last resort.

[ekmackenzie]

I like that you are the ONLY therapist who looks for a way to work this out, and doesn't make it look like "you bad toxic attatchment styles can't ever have a relationship with anyone!" You have given me soooo much help! First video I feel like I can share with my avoidant boyfriend! Thank you so much!!!

[nnylasoR]

*“Basically, what it comes down to is you’ve got to see this relationship as a healing relationship that will help you grow, instead of a crazy-making relationship that will drive you bonkers.”*
👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆👆

[UnraveledwithJoy]

1. Analyse your belief system when something goes wrong in the relationship
2. Anticipate your partners needs and empathise with their experiences
3. Validate, compromise and offer solutions

[garynhea]

As an avoidant (I only realised it from watching YouTube videos), I've been watching the same clips multiple times for 8 months because it illustrated my last relationship as if it were written about us. But this is the first time I’ve seen a video that tries to explain how to cope with it effectively. It was a relationship with so much promise, but it fell apart exactly as described in the videos. She (anxious type) found me occasionally cold and distant and I (avoidant) couldn't comprehend how much I found the argumentative, confrontational way in which she tried to deal with it. This was often when she was drunk or at inopportune moments in the middle of the night. The combination drove us apart. If we as a couple, had seen this video or understood why things happened as they did, we could have dealt with our problems. I've learnt a lot about myself from watching this movie (so many times!) and I am determined not to make the same mistake in future. I've wanted to send a link to my ex, but it doesn't feel like the right thing to do - we haven't spoken for a long time and I fear she will view it as a personal criticism. I wish I knew this information a long time ago. Thank you for creating it.

[xEPICxNESS]

My fiancé is an anxious attached and I am dismissive avoidant. Learning about him, his attachment style, love language and perspective changed my life and I learned to not take advantage (unintentionally) of his insecurities to ensure he stays like I did in our early 20s. I wanted him to chase me because it made me feel wanted, and he felt the need to keep me so I don’t abandon him. Learning about each other transformed our relationship and built genuine trust. Trusting is the root. You cannot trust if you do not trust yourself, and we kept enabling each others attachment issues until we healed (don’t fall for the “you can’t help yourself if you’re in a relationship” trope because you’re allowed support!)

[CarolynVan]

Relationship with avoidant ended a couple of months ago. I was anxious in the beginning and then became secure near the end as I really took my healing journey seriously. It became clear my security triggered him. He spiralled downward in to his insecurities (which is ok, we all get triggered) - but the real problem was that he often fired off at me (Blame, gaslighting, shutting down, flighting, etc.) instead of seeing his opportunity to look inwards / claim some ownership / accountability. This told me we don't see eye to eye on what a healthy, mature, grown, harmoneous partnership is and the courage and communication it requires.

[bens]

I'm an anxious. I was just dumped a little over a week ago by my avoidant partner. She is fiercely avoidant, she had told me just the other day (we are still talking some) that she cannot, even if she is alone at home, even talk to the wall about her feelings. That shocked me. As the complete opposite attachment style I can't seem to wrap my brain around that type of paralysis. I truly feel for her and I have hope (perhaps misguided) that we can be together again someday. She is very independent. I recognize that I need to work on my own dependence as well. I so desperately want to help her but know that only she can help herself. She is scheduled for a therapy session in a couple weeks but also said she does not know if she will stick with it. I knew she was avoidant when we met (because I researched heavily) but I had no idea she had this severe block on her feelings and expression. She is an absolutely amazing person and I wish her the best. Thank you for listening everyone! It feels good to get it out!

[zeynepu.]

The hardest thing to manage is the issues. For example, you have a fight. One of the partners will need reassurance and communication, and the other craves personal space and time to think it over by themselves. It is challenging cause the needs are the complete opposite and one of the two has to sacrifice which can build up resentment over time. Any thoughts on this?

[markcollins]

I find that the hardcore avoidants don't like to do the work. Your video is great and your suggestions seem helpful. But many avoidants can't get themselves to even acknowledge that they have an issue, let alone watch a video like this.

[xubbijoux]

Instead of saying, it 's not going to work, thank you for offering a solution to the problems. My boyfriend is the anxious & I'm the avoidant. I have been looking at it the wrong way. I like your suggestions of how to deal with it. I would rather work it out, because when I do take that break from him I miss him & I want it to work. I do need to draw him close by telling him, I think he's the absolute best! THANK YOU SO MUCH!

[jamiean]

I think all the anxious attachment folks in the comment section may need a refresher on codependency and boundaries.

Space and time aren’t immediately threats, in fact everyone is entitled to their own needs of space and time. Anxious attachments enmesh their partners sometimes. They can “appear” more loving with quick repairs and wanting closeness when there are arguments doesn’t mean they’re healthier and less selfish than avoidants. So anxious folks need to get off their high horse of attachment superiority lol.

We could argue that the need for quick repairs and closeness out of insecurity is superficial and selfish when disregarding the need of the other partner needing time and space. Two people, two sets of needs to be addressed. If you love someone, give them space and respect their needs.

Reassurance should be accepted and not rehashed out of fear. (Ie: your partner reassured you and then you chime in again, are we ok? can we talk now? When will you be ready?) if they offered it, believe them. Give them space.

Not listening to someone’s boundaries will just drive a huge chasm between you and says to the avoidant “your needs aren’t as important as mine” which isn’t healthy and will drive them away even more. It says to them that their autonomy is at stake which is terrifying and should be for everyone.

Avoidants aren’t monsters, they’re people, like you, who also have needs that fall outside what you want so it’s inconvenient and triggering.


Healthy relationships can both be triggered and both give what the other needs and hold healthy boundaries. A healthy relationship doesn’t mean that an avoidant will never need time or space to regulate and an anxious will never need reassurance nor have moments of insecurity. A healthy relationship, both parties understand their needs and triggers and can communicate those to one another and both their needs are heard and respected. ❤

[emilys]

It's crazy how common this is, and people don't even realize it! I didn't realize I was an avoidant and my bf was an anxious attachment until THIS WEEK. We almost thought we had to break up. Thankfully my degree in psychology made me question things and I started reading into the attachment styles. It explained SO MUCH. As an avoidant, I knew what I wanted. I wanted to stay in the relationship, but I couldn't move forward with the communication difficulties we were having. I realized I was subconsciously pushing him away from fear of getting too close. He is the first man in my life to ever truly care and love me the way I deserve. This is the first healthiest relationship we both have been in, and like Jeff said, it's a healing relationship for us. Hoping this realization will help us become closer and grow together as a couple. Best of luck to you all in your relationships <3

[Kdiruso]

Very helpful. I’m an avoidant and I’ve always struggled with feeling like I’m not enough in relationships. Getting close to people is difficult because I feel like they are going to leave me one day and avoiding intimacy is me preparing for the day they decide to do so. It’s a vicious cycle. This video has really helped me understand things that went wrong in my past relationships. Thank you so much 🥺

[jopainting]

Why is it that a 30 minute walk has never been enough to do it for any of the avoidant types I've dated 🤔 It's often more like days or weeks of alone time.

[melmel]

Im avoidant and I think anxious would be perfect for me. I like when im 100% sure that a person wants me.

[lauraclarke]

I’m watching these videos crying. It’s bringing back such feelings of hurt but understanding

[jdprettynails]

I’m very anxious and I’m just recently realising my partner is avoidant. The thing I’m focusing on those is every tiny positive moment that shows he cares….well…more obsessing over them. I have a google doc compiling all of our cute/sweet moments together. And at the beginning there’s a LOT but that’s dwindled over time and it hurts so much. But the moments when he comes back to me feels so amazing and I love him so much. I miss him all the time.
The document helps from time to time, but it’s also painful because we’re not as all over each other as we used to be.
He says he prefers what we have now because when he’s with me he feels comfortable, safe and relaxed. Which makes me feel wonderful hearing that…but I find it so hard when he leaves again.

[greyrock]

I would ask my ex for reassurance after offering space and she would never give it. She would insist I was being selfish.

[SisJannie]

This is awesome! But when you said give space, me heart dropped and I got butterflies. Anxiety went up. I can't comprehend that space is healthy.