How Avoidant People Create Relationship Collapse

While it is ideal that relationships would result in mutual regard and meaningful connections, avoidant people are committed to patterns that cause relationships to collapse. (BTW, this is not the same as keeping your distance as a matter of legitimate self-preservation.). Dr. Les Carter describes how avoidant people operate and how you can save yourself from undue heartache as you come to terms with their manipulations.

Dr. Les Carter is a semi-retired psychotherapist who spent 41 years in private practice in the Dallas, Tx. metroplex. He now resides in Waco, Tx. He has conducted over 65,000 counseling sessions, written extensively, and has presented many workshops and seminars.

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[reychak]

"I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me" wow, this summarised 3 years of my life!

[DeborahLArmstrong]

It's stunning how quickly they can just drop you. No warning. You're getting along great and they really seem into you. Then suddenly they ghost you and they'll never tell you why. You can spend years ruminating about it because your brain will want to sort out the mystery so you can get some closure!

[shellbell]

I would say that avoidance is on a spectrum. I had a male friend who I had strong feelings for, and he did for me. Whenever we connected on a deeper level, he would suddenly look like a deer in the headlights, make excuses and leave.` This happened over and over. I could see that he really wanted things to go further but he would literally go into "fight or flight" mode. He is tortured by this. He is also a beautiful soul, honest, full of integrity and we have many mutual friends who respect him greatly. He is known for helping others out. Clearly in childhood his emotional needs were unmet and he cannot deal with any vulnerability. He is not selfish at all, and I kind of respect him for avoiding me because he has the wisdom to know that he cannot meet me where I need him to, and rather than string me along he has walked away. It's a real shame and I hope that he gets help as I can see that he so longs for connection but then cannot handle it.

[steviecrow]

When avoidant people act highly interested and pursue a relationship aggressively, it will throw you off. They appear highly committed when in “interested” mode. You don’t realize it’s a temporary and fleeting mode for them.

[shipratrika]

There are empathic people who are avoidant too. Nobody was there to listen to their feelings when growing up in narcissistic home..So they just keep their insides locked and don’t feel comfortable sharing their feelings. But are really helpful, kind thoughtful..always ready to listen to your feelings but never pry or use them against you.

[Suzu]

I have come to the conclusion, at least from my life experience, if you are a faithful partner, friend, sibling with no expectations for your own needs and wants, things go smoothly.

But once you realize you are getting zero reciprocation, and your needs are not being met or even considered, and you try to have a conversation about it, they run for the hills.

[fruitypopwhickle]

6 years of being pushed away. Ended it all. It's been a year. I feel amazing! Feel sad for him every now and then, but I'm free!!!

[PRECIOUS]

This spoke to me: "I will be in a relationship with you as long as you don't have any expectations of me." I felt this and I went through it.

[Jonnybrooks-cn]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her

[akuasalaam]

He gave the appearance that he wanted an emotionally healthy serious relationship for almost 3 months before his distancing strategies and behaviors really started to kick in. Ultimately, destroying what could've been a beautiful relationship; We could not discuss anything that went to deep, or any relationship snafoo that needed to be ironed out. If and when I did, he would then extend me the luxury of silent treatment and ghosting behaviors 🥴. I MEAN ANYTHING... Literally, the dude would run away!!! And just like you said, he tried to play victim, once I expressed how unhealthy these distancing behaviors were and finally decided to remove myself from the experience. I had mentioned my need/s and made bids for connection numerous times before this. WASTED my own time. Never again.

[Hugging_Cactus]

becoming a better person involves hard work and patience.

choosing who is allowed to know you deeply is a life’s work.

starting from zero over here 😌

[indianprincesstarot]

“Don’t let their injury define who you are” Wow. I needed to hear that years ago

[jeansshirt]

The major sign for me, they skip a question/some conversation without saying anything as if they never heard it or saw your message when you see this at the beginning just run. And they can’t say how they feel good of anything about you or from you unless you hurt them or made a mistake

[jennyhaytch]

Thank you so much for posting this, and helping me understand what I was dealing with. Attempting to act healthily towards an avoidant person when you don't know what you're dealing with can feel crazy-making. All your healthy, kind, logical relationship building tools are met with such unequal and odd behavior, it really leaves you questioning yourself. No matter how strong and assured you were in your self prior to getting closer to them. This insight has helped greatly. Thank you.

[mrskmonster]

Thank you for this. It's my dad. I've been asking my whole life why he doesn't want to have a good relationship with me. I am finally starting to let go of the feeling that it's my fault.

[lorishu]

The worst is when their words say I want to be close to you over and over yet sabotage any attempts

[claudiaaguilar]

I was not sophisticated enough at age 24 to recognize these characteristics for what they are. Too late, I married 'air'; he is married to himself.

[jeankipper]

It's where they are, for whatever reasons. "Don't let their injury define you." Wonderful. Thank you for being so kind AND so clear.

[juliandant]

I’d never heard of attachment theory until I got into a “relationship” with a woman who I’d describe as a text book avoidant. She was amazing at first. She was warm and compassionate, intimate and stunningly beautiful. We’d gotten into the first argument we’d ever had and it was like I was some kind of monster for being upset about something. I’d never been gaslit so effectively in my life. I thought I was going nuts. She became cold and distant almost over night, never accountable for ANYTHING, never apologized and everything somehow ended up being my fault. I even went as far as to apologize for thing I knew I shouldn’t have, just as an attempt to resolve our differences. I’ve never been so miserable and alone with someone in my life. I left her after 8 months together.

I don’t think she’ll ever own any of it or get any help. I’ve never met someone more stubborn and unapologetic in my life. Stay away from these people at all costs. They will absolutely ruin someone; even a healthy secure partner. I was secure when we started together. I’m not anymore…. An avoidant type is not worth the heartache and does not deserve your love unless they’re willing to commit to therapy.

[R-ll]

this kind of avoidant induced relationship collapse can really really damage the mental health and self esteem of the other partner, especially if it takes them by surprise. You love this person and trust them completely; then all of the sudden they turn cold, and nothing you do to try to mend the mysterious rift that seems to be widening works at all. and then of course they blame it on you. i wish i had known more about attachment styles before my last serious relationship; I could have at least seen what was happening to us for what is was instead of internalizing it