What Is An Avoidants Idea Of A Healthy Relationship?

Define What The Avoidant Disconnect Is
Learn About The Self Fulfilling Prophecy Of The Anxious And Avoidant Relationship
Learn Why They Want To Be Understood But Don't Want To Reciprocate
Learn To Actually Have A Healthy Relationship With An Avoidant

[Nesher]

avoidant's ideal of relationship: never discuss feelings and expectations, running away from any problem, being ok with them being distant...
(this is not a relationship)

[Lelough_]

Avoidants won't change because they are with a secure person. They will change/improve their intimacy and connection after therapy. Don't damage yourself thinking your love and understanding will help them.

[Cali-]

I am exhausted thinking about what feels like abandoning my own wants and needs to make a person that fears intimacy but wants it too…feel comfortable. I think the best solution is to have boundaries, if they can’t meet you half way, unfortunately, that’s not a healthy relationship. Heartbreaking but true.

[mmarch]

I just realised that I spent 5 years with an avoidant. All this time, he kept blaming the difficulties of the relationship on me alone. He kept finding all the possible excuses not to build anything solid with me. I worked on all of them, one by one, and removed one by one the obstacles to us being happy. I bought into his manipulation that he really wanted to be with me but I was the one who had issues and so he couldn’t fully commit. He abandoned me in each and every difficult moment in my life.
Today I discover he was actually an avoidant and all those issues had nothing to do with me. He needed them not to get too close.
How do you heal from this? I feel traumatized.

[sierrashaheen]

Avoidant is not an attachment style. It’s a detachment style.

[soumayabellafquih]

They need therapy. We secure, are not their personal emotional butlers. My DA ex refused to go to therapy and kept gaslighting me, saying passive aggressive comments, silent treatment, stonewalling and refused to communicate. It was painful being around that type of dismissive, critical energy while I needed him to be supportive and kind in a very difficult phase in my life. He broke up with me in a very selfish and cruel way accusing me of « false » things he made up in his head to move away guilt free and have no accountability. All I wanted was for him to sit and have a conversation !!! DA’s are immature and childish emotionally. They never evolved from that hurt, traumatized, neglected kid they were in their childhood. They expect perfection from you and give nothing in return, not even compassion, or understanding. He took all my positive energy from me, and checked out when it was his turn to be there for me!

[jordanlennox]

Let me sum this up from where I stand… if your not going to adult, which means it is YOUR RESPONSIBILITY to deal with your trauma and attachment issue so that you don’t do irreparable damage to someone who is just trying to come in and love you, F *** that!

I feel people are using their attachment styles as a way to avoid accountability. If your not gonna meet someone at the table then don’t sit down at the table to being with. Go to therapy, do what you need to do, and then sit down with the understanding you will be held accountable, need to reciprocate and act like an adult. Plain and simple. I’m sorry, I’m not going to sit and cry over someone’s attachment style. We all have s***. Your an adult now. Get the help, be insightful and take responsibility and do your partner correctly as a PARTNER should!

[GTO.]

Disregard our feeling to them, keeping our inner peace and sanity is really important - leave them. It’s the most painful relationship experience ever.

[writer]

I am married to an avoidant partner. After 6 years of a push-pull relationship, with him neglecting my needs but expecting I fulfill his, I left him. It was only after he found himself alone, with no real support system, that he repented and came back for me and the kids. He is slowly learning to open up and to accept that a simple request or reminder from me does not make me needy nor suffocating. I get it though--my husband's mother is needy and his ex's were needy. He has projected them onto me. He is slowly doing the work to recognize his traumas and triggers.

[assplundah]

Avoid avoidant people, they will tear your world & self-worth apart & you will end up doubting your very existence!

[thewholeworldiswatching]

Never ever dealing with an avoidant again; it is literal hell, and I am done.

[leehughes]

As an anxious attachment person who was married to an avoidant for nearly 2 decades.. it wasn't that I needed constant reassurance or constant affirmation.. it was that I needed SOMETHING... anything other than ZERO affection.. affection was offensive to her.. I will do my best to never get into a relationship with an avoidant ever again.. and work on becoming more secure myself in the mean time.. after years of being the one doing all the heavy lifting.. I finally got worn down.. I couldn't carry the relationship by myself any longer.. when I pulled back.. we were done

[astridlove]

I have been with my avoidant partner for 14 years now. No break ups. No serious fall outs. I used to be a very anxiously attached person but getting together with him actually really changed that. We really connected on a level I have never connected with anyone. The little bit of anxiousness that I would let show through at the beginning I could see was very intolerable for him. I also started to recognize that when he was emotionally triggered or even just in a off mood, that I needed to give him his space to “self soothe” so to speak. So I would just keep to myself but most importantly I would maintain my mood despite what his was. The worst thing you can do is show an avoidant that their mood is triggering you to be in a bad mood and bringing you down. That gives them too much responsibility for how you feel and can be an emotional trigger within itself.
I am very careful about accusing him or criticizing him. I focus on his positive aspects and use that as a source of bringing more of those out. Positive reinforcement.
I always frame things from my point of view in terms of how I’m feeling and I do not push for him to talk or open up EVER. The more I let my independence shine through and give him his, the more he comes around and opens up when HE is ready. That is the key. And he does, almost every time. When I start to recognize that my affection towards him becomes too much and he pulls back a little bit, I give him space and just focus on my own thing. I do not rely on him for how I feel or for reassurance. I fill my own cup. Avoidants tend to really respect this about their partner bc they can barely manage their own emotions, let alone be responsible for managing yours.
We are going strong after 14 years without any serious problems and still have a passionate and intimate connection. This can work. Since I have met him, I have transformed from being anxiously attached to securely attached or unattached however you want to word it. Learning how to make it work with him has actually really helped me to pull out of the anxiously attached style. I know this sounds like a lot of work and people call me crazy when I tell them that their partner is not responsible for how they feel. But I hold strong opinion that in order to be securely attached you have to understand that no one else is responsible for your moods or how you feel. Only you can control you and no one else. We have worked so well together because of my ability to read him and know when to stay in my lane and give him the time and space he needs without worrying about what’s wrong or if it’s me. You also really need to understand when they do withdraw and get emotional it almost mostly never is personally against you. If you can drop that whole idea that it’s about you and personal, you can allow them the time they need to open up and feel safe

[emilytee]

Being in a relationship with a FA is like being with someone but feeling completely alone. You have moments of intimacy and closeness but they are quickly followed with equal amounts of distance and neglect that would make even the most secure person feel uncertain triggering any underlying feelings of unworthiness, insecurity, or guilt. It's a personal hell for both parties. One, desperately in need of affection and love but terrified of closeness. For the other also in need of closeness, reassurance, and certainty. Both wanting closeness, both wanting love, and ultimately both being afraid the other will walk away but ironically trigger each other. It's the greatest and most heartbreaking love story of all time. Like a brick wall in between two people who desperately want to love each other. We must remember that control is an illusion and if these two are truly meant to be together they will each individually do the work to heal and become a secure partner for the other.

[PeaceDayCortez]

Wow, so they expect you to tiptoe around their fragile ego, and even when you do this, and they're uncomfortable you're the villain and they run! So basically, shut up, ignore any issues while you shrink yourself to fit their needs until you're all used up and they decided you're a monster for speaking up and discard you! 🤔🤯🙄 RUN! Absolutely RUN! No one absolutely no one should go through this type of abuse.

[phillyphan]

She’d go days without returning my text and didn’t understand why I was upset. Nobody is that busy that they can’t text a couple of words like ‘Hi, I’m doing fine. We were in a relationship but I never felt like she was there. How can anyone go days without communicating with someone they so called care about? I put so much into it. I just felt as though she just didn’t have it in her to match my energy. I really feel sad for her because she’s really a nice person but she’s emotionally damaged.

[Lelough_]

A relationship with an avoidant will ruin your life. When you know about attachment styles, you will not enter this relationship or you will leave early. For me it is 3 years later and I am still struggling. I provide all the support but never get any back. It becomes so difficult to leave when you understand their attachment style but become so unhappy and sick from receiving nothing back and feeling gagged because you cannot even voice how you feel anymore as they pull back more when you do. I tried to introduce my avoidant to attachment theory and he felt accused and pulled back even more. It is now 2 weeks of me trying to end this relationship. I feel so bad like I am abandoning him. But knowing deep down that nothing will change and that things will always go back to this will me strong. I love you E but I just cannot do this anymore.

[michaelwentzel]

Dangerous advise to advise that a secure person will help the avoida become secure. In most cases, the avoidant will do such harm to the secure person that the secure person becomes insecure from the neglect, gaslighting, and ghosting, and disconnection. This is Dangerous. Avoidants can make secure people question their reality to the point of depression or suicide.

[drflush]

I just got love bombed by an avoidant imo. Examples were making big plans for future, talking about serious things right away, talking non-stop at first from morning to night, talking about how it's fate we met, all this crap in common etc. Then after a month or two it's just me reaching out. Then I want to much from em and it's a problem, oh I'm ok.. Bye, hope you get what you're looking for ✌️lol

My advice is avoid the avoidant especially if you're anxious, there's nothing worse in a relationship than feeling alone in someone's presence. Avoidant behavior won't change unless they want to, you WON'T be able to help them... Help yourself and gtfo

[Anna-eing]

This concept doesn’t work. I’m securely attached my avoidant made me more anxious overtime because they’re stubborn incapable of compromising and don’t validate