Navigating Conflict With An Avoidant Partner

[LDR]

After being in a long term relationship (5 years) with an avoidant. I have decided to leave the relationship. In my situation, this is a one-sided relationship and I am willing to do the work but he isn’t. My self esteem has taken a hard hit and I’m too consumed with walking on eggshells and trying not to trigger him. As a result I am losing myself. As much as I love him, it can never over ride the love for myself. Everyone has issues, a past, hurts and disappointments BUT if a person is not willing to do their work, do what’s best for you. In my situation, it was best I leave.

[cassandraellis]

Having an avoidant partner can be exhausting and heartbreaking. A lot of effort and just not quite enough in return. Any time things are raised - they shut down and shut off. It doesn’t seem possible to properly resolve even the simplest things. Frustrating.

[adebolaA]

This is great feedback, but as an avoidant who was not self aware, my girlfriend would use this exact technique but it didn't hit with me. You have to be dealing with a self aware avoidant that understands that they can be difficult at times to really get this communication across. You will still likely be met with defensiveness or stonewalling in this scenario if the person isn't self aware and willing to change

[yohami]

The avoidant would be already shut down by the time you reach the "hey, I've noticed... "

[eduardosilvamartinez]

Guys if you are in a relationship with someone with this type of behavior, the only thing I can tell you is that you're not a therapist, if you really love this person try working things out being clear, communicate your needs and ask for theirs, but more importantly suggest them to go to therapy. Take care of yourselves, clear your minds and evaluate the situation, bcs when you enter a relationship one expects 50/50, you don't partner with another person to be doing 150/20 because acting like a therapist inside the relationship can wear you VERY quickly (especially if you're dealing with this kind of person) and can cause your mental health to sink, it's ok to be aware of our own problems and take care of them, but that's boths work, we don't change our behavior to make the other person comfortable all the time, I understand that when there is love you do it anyway, but be careful and do it with measure, love yourselves, peace ✌🏻

[horacesilver]

I DID pproach my avoidant ex like that...from a logical point without emotion....and all I got was extreme defensiveness and deflection.

[TreeMarie]

This is spot on! I've been dealing with someone who's avoidant and I'm working on coming from anxious to secure. In the beginning it was so tumultuous, if something was bothering me I needed it to be talked about right then and there because I was always taught to not go to bed angry. That would make him (the avoidant) get snappy. 1 because he's an introvert and his social battery was depleted and 2 because of him being avoidant from things in his past. NOW, we have compromised. If something's bothering me I will say "Hey something's bothering me, can we talk when you have a min" he'll either come back with "Sure, what's up?" or "Not yet, I'll let you know when I'm not busy" which in turn gives me time to comprise my thoughts and write them down. And when it is time to talk, we're both in a better headspace about it. If he needs to talk about something he'll preface with "it's nothing bad, please don't get anxious". It's all in communication and having a safe space in place to be able to connect in a good headspace. With avoidants, they DO NOT like to be smothered. They will immediately get defensive and put the walls up.

[eam]

It takes awareness and maturity on the avoidant person's part. The amount of work the other person does is such a burn out. The negative consequences and the impact of this relationship on the other party is huge. It takes a long time to readjust after already having done done self reflection and healing. Messed up. It's like you become a shut down. You can pick up the avoidant person's habits very essily as a coping mechanism. And honestly, I'm tired of having to counsel in relationships. Exhausting.

[riverbilly]

I did everything she suggests with a DA man I was in a relationship with for 3.5 years. I practically memorized the book, Nonviolent Communication. NOTHING works with avoidant men unless they are willing to work on themselves…specifically, in therapy. You can be the most self-aware and confident woman in the universe and they will CRUSH your self-confidence, have you acting like a 15-year-old codependent, break your heart, and then not care when you FINALLY get up the nerve to walk away. They do not care if you’re gone from their lives, period. WALK AWAY QUICKLY, as soon as you realize you are dealing with an avoidant who has zero desire to work on himself or your relationship. God, I could write a book!

[MsGaella]

My experience: the Avoidant can still hear an I statement as a criticism.
Darn it.

[GodHelpMe]

If you're avoidant, you most likely have said to family members who had a major role in your childhood: "You only accepted me or liked me when I was happy/obedient/emotionless." This one simple statement fits with ALL the core symptoms of avoidant attachment:

1. Being overly self-reliant
(and in doing so, you hide your needs, emotions, problems, and acute illnesses)

2. Pushing down anger until it explodes
and manufactures the boundaries you crave but can't always ask for

3. Not wanting to burden others with your problems

4. Wanting to fix your own issues to avoid looking incompetent or even getting bullied and teased

5. Numbing out emotions with self-soothing behaviors
that are either totally unhealthy or pseudo-healthy
(like getting addicted to working out and healthy eating)

[ernestocarannante]

In my opinion, after watching thousands of videos on topics like these, you are absolutely the clearest, sharpest, most effective and enlightening of them all. You stand out from the crowd by far! Thank you!

[ScottH]

I just want a relationship where I don't have to go running to watch another Heidi video to explain what the hell just happened and what I should have done differently. Are there any healthy normal mature women in their 50s near me???

[pauliefrankenhauseriii]

The hardest part about being with an avoidant person for me was the lack of emotional support or support in general. That feeling of having my back was non existent. I could be upset, in distress, sad, frustrated. Nothing, not an ounce of support. My feelings actually angered the person. I remember once specific instance where it broke me down to the core. I got into a huge fight at home and I had to leave for the night. My partner insisted I come over. I showed up and I broke down crying. The kind of crying where you can’t even form words. You choke every time you try to speak. All she had to say was “Stop crying”. Didn’t hug me, didn’t console me, comfort me. Nothing. It was so demoralizing as a man to feel like my feelings were invalid constantly.

[CountryOfClocks]

I think anytime compromise is one-sided it is very draining. As the avoidant one, I've tried very hard to learn how to speak in "feeling" toward people who don't want to try speaking my language at all. I'm extremely clumsy at it, and sometimes it takes multiple horrifying tries before I get it right. For me its an utterly terrifying experience to try to reach across the aisle only to have someone explode because I failed to send the message I was going for. When I do eventually get it right, it can be a little reward for a major amount of effort. So I feel like I can somewhat understand what the non-avoidants are talking about when they share their one-sided experiences. And that's certainly not worth the time and energy for everyone. It's not fair to be the only one trying to compromise. Even if both sides compromise, it doesn't mean everything will go smoothly either. We all have to evaluate what we're capable of and whether it's worth it for us or not.

[chriserony]

This is awesome advice! As an avoidant person, when a partner comes to me and says “I fell x because you are like y” it immediately sends off huge warning bells because it’s like saying “It’s your fault that I feel like this” like I (your partner) am responsible for your emotions. That sends up a wave of anxiety for kids who grew up made to feel responsible for the emotions of people they had zero control over. It’s like watching a losing battle and you’ve just put me in the match in the loser’s seat and are goading me to fight you.

The more logically phrased version says ‘we are in this together, could you please help me figure this out?’ Something I’m always willing to do for a partner I love.

[JMGENTERPRISES]

When my father was diagnosed with bladder cancer or when I got news from the vet that my cat had cancer...I cried a lot. My avoidant partner would many times just leave the room leaving me sitting their alone. I know she cared but just couldn't handle the emotion. This also made me worried to have children with her as kids can be very emotional. If your a person that needs physical and verbal emotional support, do not date an avoidant. They will never give you kind of support you crave.

[xannaz]

Very helpful. So much advice is around giving up on avoidants. It is refreshing to get a perspective on how to work through conflict, as opposed to those advising to just leave the relationship. Oh, I've thought of leaving, but now that I'm realizing he honestly sees and reacts to emotions differently, I'm less frustrated with him. He was not allowed negative emotions as a child, I see that now. Emotions are a foreign language.

[TheHedgeWitchCottage]

Wow. That’s exactly how I feel “… like you will logic your way out of this relationship.”
I didn’t realize that was my fear but you named it.

[joannahzamora]

That was great. Thank you for reminding the anxious avoidant to own their feelings and take responsibility for them so they can come to the conversation presenting solutions rather than tearing in to their partner.