Heal Your Avoidant Attachment Style Before It Drains Your Life of Love and Meaning

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People are triggering, especially if you who were traumatized in the past. One way to manage your triggers is through avoidance -- living in isolation, holding loved ones at arms length, or going through the motions of a connected life but never feeling connected at all. In this "best of" compilation of my videos on avoidance, I teach about the signs to look for in yourself and others of avoidance, with practical steps to begin to heal.

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[babycakes]

The longer you stay isolated, the more people annoy you, and the more you feel like a wild animal between them. The wild animal that only wants to escape as fast as possible. I have been there not by choice for years. Now I am choosing to cut out or distance some people who exhaust me or try to use me and take advantage of me.

[SomeOtherSusan]

The hardest thing is finding appropriate support. I don’t want to open up all of my past to someone because frankly it’s overwhelming for others to hear. At the same time it’s the not sharing that separates me from others. Both of these things are true and it’s a tough spot to be in.

[sadiaarman]

If you keep using isolation to control your CPTSD triggers, every opportunity in life will gradually close to you

[deanporter]

Now I finally get what's going on with me. You're so right about about how draining my Avoidant Attachment style is. My awakening has come at a price. Losing my girlfriend of 4 years because I couldn't regulate my emotions, didn't know how to get out of my 5yr old, 12 yr old and 17 yr old self. I would get waves of depression, guilt, anxiety and numbness at how much pain I was causing my partner - but had no skill set to show up as an adult. I had no understanding of why I would turn into these kids when deep intimate adult conversation was needed to develop our relationship further or address an issue or work through a problem together. The damn child or teenager would show up every time. Didn't matter that intellectually I knew that things were off (always being in my head)...I'm so tired of having those kids run my emotional life. Loss, and finally desperate to take charge of these destructive patterns (now that the door is closed on our relationship) has me wanting, willing and ready to receive the help I need to understand and work through my years of ingrained avoidant patterns. I've enrolled in an 8 week avoidant personality disorder program, have been seeing a therapist regularly for the past 2 1/2 months and will be working with a men's avoidant group...so much pain I've caused her, so much pain and numbness in my own life. Thanks for this. Sorry for the long statement.

[ragga]

Anna, thank you so much for helping me realize that I have been covertly avoiding getting close to people because of my CPTSD. When you said that I can not heal in isolation, I cried for days, I was devastated. I understand better how I have been avoiding living my life by having a cluttered home, too embarassed to have people over, and feeling left out, not really connecting with people. I want to make a change, am now slowly but surely decluttering my home, bettering my work and income, going to therapy and binge watching all your content. Again, thank you so much from the bottom of my heart❤

[Maryjane]

I have Meeting today for my sons football team. After confirming I would come, I felt all the energy sucked out of me. I feel tired now and I am already coming up with reasons im not going to make it.... all that to say, this video is right on time.

[gigiatkins]

I have spent most of my adult life as an avoidant but am pleased to say that I have been reaching out to old friends and participating in life and it feels great

[vmm]

Same medical situation happened to me at the same time I went through my divorce. I am a chronic avoider. It 'works' in the moment, but you pay for it down the road with the lack of long term, deep connections and friendships.

[minervaowl]

My problem is that I'm too independent in the mind and don't really need people. I'm fine being alone even though I know it's bad and I want to make friends (because I know it's bad for me if I don't) but the urge isn't there. I find people draining and I have to make a conscious effort to match their energy. Not only that but I find at times that people are only interested in talking about themselves and don't really care to get to know me. So it's either I start interviewing them or they start talking about themselves to me. So my three major problems are is one I lack the urge/energy to socialize, my comfort place is being alone, and it's hard truly to express myself.

[gopali]

Thank you so much for this video. I may have shed a few tears listening to you. Like rain falling over a barren land. I may be a 41 year old woman from India but I am actually a scared 14 year old girl assaulted person who has truly never moved from that age. I am so scared of people and so used to not being believed and heard .

[miapdx]

At 63, I'm so good at this, I call myself hibernating. 😏 but now spring is here...I'm running out of excuses...my agoraphobia is at a place where, I don't just stay in my house...I stay in my room, my *sanctuary.* I even put my coffee station in here.😏 everything I need is right here...except human contact. 😐

[rebeccasalvatore]

The worst thing i ever did to myself was staying in my comfort zone it derailed my life and kept me mentally in a self-made mental prison and leaving my comfort zone, truly challenging myself and taking risks was the key to my freedom and my peace of mind. Leaving my comfortzone was as empowering.

[Roxy]

I've been so damaged in the past and present by family, friends and strangers that avoidance has become a safety net for me. It's become my go-to survival tactic.

[pendafen]

"A connection injury" lit up a bulb in my mind. Had never thought about it like that before. To frame avoidance in this way is really freeing, feels like a release from shame and pathology.

[carolynblakeney]

There is no covert about it. I have used avoidance my whole life (65 years to date) to survive. It is exhausting and unproductive and life sucking. Thanks for the reminder that now is always a good time to ditch learned, destructive behaviors.

[REChronic]

“Not having any relationships that could sustain you in hard times is what chronic avoidance will get you.”
I genuinely did not think of that. Your experience is actually is quite harrowing. As someone who has avoided people all my life (I’m 25) and pretty much had surface level relationships, I guess that is what I needed to hear.

[hiddenechoes]

A former partner, who is absolutely lovely, is the avoidant type, very much does this unconsciously and didn't have any deep friendships until I started engaging with him on interacting more meaningfully. After a few years it became too much to be the interpreter, and led a lot of conflict that both of us contributed to, so we found we couldn't be permanent. But he grew a lot and I grew a lot too in the relationship.

All that being said, avoidant people can be incredibly loving and sweet and I love that you're making this video. A lot of people can benefit from this and have richer lives because of these advices.

[ckingsman]

This is so me. Can't get myself motivated to get out of bed and get to where I need to be on time. Numbed out and avoiding anything. Especially cleaning and cooking.


I had some medical issues over the past year and I really learned who is and isn't there for me. All the people who had said they would come and visit me while recuperating never followed through. Not even a phone call to check in on me.

So I am trying to rely on the kind people that I don't know as well as the unreliable ones.

Working on reaching out.

[teganflyman]

This hits so very hard. I have not one friend to speak of. I turn 40 this year and can not believe how my life has turned out. Largely because of cptsd and partly I’ve had just some dumb bad luck. I hope I can come out of this well.

[ginagray]

OMG! 10 million thousand % this is me! I even avoid learning about this because then I will have to do something about it. It’s painful and draining for me to be around people. It’s exhausting.