Why Avoidant and Anxious Partners Find It Hard to Split Up

Fractious couples are often made up of one party who is 'avoidant' (hiding their intimacy needs) and one who is 'anxious' (nagging and pressuring counter productively for their intimacy needs to be met). These couples go through cycles that run from cosiness to fury to sulk to blow up to cosiness. Why do these cycles happen and why are they so hard to break? What might be a better way forward?

FURTHER READING

“There is a certain sort of relationship that is alternately passionate, fiery and painfully unfulfilling – and that tends to puzzle both outsiders and its participants; a relationship between one person who is, as psychologists put it, anxiously attached and another who is avoidantly attached.
There is, in such couplings, a constant game of push and pull. The anxiously attached party typically complains – more or less loudly – that their partner is not responsive enough: they accuse them of being emotionally distant, withholding, cold and perhaps physically uninterested too. The avoidant lover, for their part, stays relatively quiet but in their more fed-up moments, complains that the anxious party is far too demanding, possibly ‘mad’ and, as they put it pejoratively, ‘needy’. One person seems to want far too much, the other far too little.”

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Produced in collaboration with:

Direction & Illustration- Natalia Ramos

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[Paint]

You've just described the relationship between me and my cat

[alananderson]

An avoidant partner can make even the most sane person felling anxious and insecure

[TheZeroLatitud]

Being an avoidant feels like being cursed. You can't fulfill your partner's needs, you can't even meet your own needs, and you're labeled as the villain as a general rule.

[rashidarowe]

I have an avoidant ex, I blamed his lack of emotion for all of our issues, then I discovered within myself, not only do I have an anxious attachment style, I am also emotionally distant at times, toxic and have narcissistic traits. I am now doing the work internally to become secure through pray, healing and self internalization.

[JKDCOSTA]

Avoid this hell at all costs. One of the worst emotional rollercoasters you’ll ever go through. The breakups are chaotic and soul crushing.

[laurenevam]

I feel personally attacked by this video

[sunbeam]

I was entangled with an avoidant for 6 years or so. Looking back they never actually did anything against me, I did it all to myself, I abandoned myself, I sacrificed myself, I gave and gave and kept returning to someone who never had me captured in their basement. I was free and I chose to do all this. Once I started to turn that love and care and understanding and compassion towards me instead of them everything changed.
I became insensitive to their breadcrumbs and re established a healthy relationship with myself. I stopped blaming them and just viewed them as someone on my patth towards self discovery. They were just a character in the movie and I was the leading actress again. We are always in charge of our own feelings, behaviours and decisions.

[ZessXXify]

This video had my jaw on the floor, because every single beat was exactly how my last relationship went. I used to regret breaking up with my avoidant partner, but I had a feeling things wouldn’t change no matter what happened. Now I can breathe a sigh of relief knowing I wasn’t going crazy. He wasn’t a bad guy by any means—we just weren’t good for each other.

[fluffyclouds]

You know what’s tricky? When an avoidant partner looks great on paper and does all the right things in terms of caring for you on the exterior (cooks, cleans) but gives you barely anything emotionally. It’s a mind fuck. You should be content, yet an ache to be heard & seen & connected with is so deep & excruciating

[daniayousfi]

"Learn the games they are unconsciously playing" is the solution to every relationship problem.

[humzamian]

I’ve been with my wife 5 years and this is far too accurate. As the anxious partner you just reach a point where your burned out and have done everything you can to keep it alive since the beginning. Either keep repeating the cycle or move on to something that will reciprocate your feelings. The fear of pain after ending it is real but know it is temporary.

[unsorryslayerrr]

I will never have this type of relationship ever again. I used to have an anxious attachment style and I dated someone with an avoidant style and it was the worst!!! And to top it off he was emotionally unavailable. I will never go through that hell again

[MichaelJayValueInvesting]

What I am learning from these series is that it is important to communicate your love and appreciation for others.

[mariposa]

I feel like this could be healed with self love because once the avoidant loves themselves they won't have those underlying fears of rejection and their core wound of abandonment will be healed, and once the attached loves themselves they won't need anyone else to love them and won't be as needy. These two are just a reflection of each other. Self love is the way.

[NathanPK]

Had this exact relationship for two years. I knew after a month she wasn’t the right one, but didn’t have the courage or fortitude to break up and stay broken up. After I finally did, I met my now wife, and soon after she married as well. I suppose we both learned a lot, and thankfully, didn’t try to make a marriage out of it.

Wherever you are Amy, I hope you’re happy and doing well.

[Mmjk_]

I started the relationship i was last in secure, but she was extremely avoidant and after 8/9 months I became the anxious attachment type, 9 months after that she ended it after i again told her she was being distant and i didn't feel loved. It's been over a month now without contact. The most important lesson i've learned is to find someone emotionally mature and compatible

[x]

Being an avoidant is a lonely state of being. Desperately in need of love and care yet terrified of it and the feeling of being trapped and controlled.

[anuradhamandal]

Avoidants are hard to handle . They rarely open up and this makes me frustrated .

[JMGENTERPRISES]

For me, being with an avoident partner just made me uneasy. The lack of verbal openness I found to be incredibly lonely, frustrating, awkward and frequently boring. It was always SO QUIET around her. We would go out to dinner and there be hardly any conversation unless i kept the ball rolling. No deep or even semi deep conversations without a lot of assistance from me. If the conversation got too deep she would shut down. I wanted to note that i do not need continous converation to feel content. I am okay with comfortable silences. But this was next level. We could go on a road trip for 3 hours and she could go the entire distance without saying a word. It was awkwardly quiet!!!!

She showed me love in different ways but for me, to feel emotional intimacy and true connection, both parties need to be open and vulnerable for each other. This was a hard thing for her do because of her childhood trauma. It's tragic and I tried to help. I was extremely patient. I would try gently offering love through verbal words and closeness when she was down. But she didn't seem like she even wanted or needed them. I would then distance myself to let her come to me but most the time that did not happen. She would suppress and internalize everything. Furthermore, she had the inability to recognize and comfort me when i was scared or sad. It hurt and made me feel unloved and lonely. It made it impossible to form a meaningful long term partnership.

Throughout our relatioship together, I would get short little glimpses of her without the trauma interfering. Especially if she drank alcohol. She was beautiful, she was radiant. But they were only glimpses. That huge wall she kept up would always return blocking true connection. It was incredibly hard for me. We tried couples counseling for six months and it made no difference.

I hope she finds herself and is at peace one day.

[retrorapture]

What's really hurtful is when an avoidant acts like an anxious, and as an anxious, you wind up repeatedly confused as to why they pull away from you after the promise of closeness, which is what you desperately desire.