How Does An Avoidant Attachment Style Develop?

[twinklepug]

Pointing out that the disgust of certain behaviors can indicate which behaviors were discouraged in childhood.... really spoke volumes to me. I remember that when I was young and asked my parents for help with something, I was often told that they couldn’t because they were doing something else, or be scolded for asking at an inconvenient time. I think they wanted to encourage independence and self-sufficiency...but as an adult I am repulsed by “needy” behavior and I have a very difficult time asking for help or expressing my needs because I feel they are not valid or are inconvenient for others. Thank you for shedding some light on an area that needs some attention.

[allegravet]

I have always weirdly prided myself on being a calm, stoic, 'unphased' person in situations where others would freak out (even when it is warranted to react). I am now only realising that my calm response may be a result of emotional suppression because strong emotions (e.g. displays of hurt, weakness) were rejected/punished in childhood. I _ want_ to feel, but these strong emotions have been associated with rejection for so long, that I struggle to identify + feel them internally, as well as display them outwardly. I only hope I can learn to be more emotionally vulnerable with people.

[Demodesrev]

I've felt like a sociopath for not crying or feeling as emotionally devasted by things that affect those around me. Knowing this is part of my attachment style is game changer for me.

[yellowboeing]

I’ve accepted I’ve been damaged. I’m proud of myself that I’ve broken the cycle by being a better parent to my child.

[debbiekinner]

This is one of the BEST explanations of avoidant attachment style that I have ever seen. Thank you for making it so understandable.

[maylynbayani]

This explains my utter disgust of people who seems to self-sabotage. My mother has always been very critical of me and others when they make mistakes. She especially hates it when you repeat a mistake that she has expected you to have learned. She has always been particular of public perception. I was always expected to be put together and to never appear as foolish but what teenager was never at some degree, foolish? As an adult, it makes sense that I dislike people who seems to keep on repeating their mistakes and those who act impulsively.

[Elliem]

Kudos to Heidi for letting us know we’re not psychopaths for not being able to feel grief! I’ve watched lots of avoidant attachment videos on the path to healing but you’ve brought up many points I’ve never heard before! I now realize how flawed it is to think that everything is caused and needs to be fixed by me alone.

[estellahabal]

Very well explained. I know I’m avoidant now. I repress my negative emotions to the point of dissociation

[tony]

This is so accurate. I have a repulsion to people pitying / feeling bad for me. For instance when my dad got diagnosed with cancer, I told 1 friend and she went ahead and told everyone we know, I was so pissed that she did that and felt like it was breach of privacy. When he died a year later, I forbid her from telling people and didn't invite her to the funeral because I didn't want to be the object of her pity.
I hate it when people tell stories with the intention of me pitying them, it's different from a regular sad story. Hopefully you understand what I mean 😅

[Jlroza]

I dont think that I was deprived of emotional compassion, but I was praised for being a strong, independent, capable child - and I am still this way... I feel that this 'strong shell that I've created is now too dense, and it takes too long for anyone to break through. When they give up, I continue on alone as I have always done, but I know I am missing out on passions and people who do care about me.

[magdalenapolak]

I don't really write comments but I felt a strong need to express how shocked (?) amazed (?) enlightened (?) I am now that I heard about supressing emotions and acting only on those that seem to be appropriate in a particular situation... I recently experienced a loss of family member and during the funeral I couldn't cry and didn't understand why.. I felt sadness inside but no emotion was visible on my face and I felt really guilty for that happening.. but now I understand what was the reason... I absolutely love your videos, they are so informative and frequently help me understand myself better. Thank you for doing what you do! :)

[Rich-widn]

This video is very helpful. Thank you! Not only did negative emotions have no value when I was growing up, they had negative value. Crying and anger usually resulted in receiving anger in return. It was very confusing, and what makes it worse is that I find myself repeating that pattern at times now as an adult and then feeling great shame about it. I am very uncomfortable when others express strong negative emotions. For example, I can deal with quiet sorrow or reserved tears from others at a funeral (sorry to be morbid), but loud wailing, over the top crying, and dramatic displays along those lines get me very agitated. I also overtake responsibility for everything. I tend to give everyone the benefit of the doubt and take the hits for things I am not actually responsible for. It is all very draining!

[EMorner]

I am very happy you mentioned the psychopath thing. I for many years thought I was one for the reason you mentioned and after I learned about the "psychopath riddle" and answered it correctly I was really nervous. I spoke to a dear friend and said "I am really afraid that I might be a psycopath!" She just looked at me and sighed "you are not a psychopath" "How do you know?" I asked, "Because you are sitting here worrying about being one, a true psychopath wouldn't care at all.."
That logic was so simple and pure that it removed my fears =)

[RCKNbaby]

I've been on my self-healing journey for 3 years now and I think this may be the first time I listened to an explanation about the avoidant attachment style. I was prepping dinner as I listened and rather quickly felt angry tears rise up. As soon as the video finished, I stopped whatever I was doing and went into my bedroom and cried for half an hour. Damn, I had so much pain inside of me I had been avoiding. I definitely have always felt disgust when others showed weakness or neediness, and have never ever been able to ask others for help or share whatever hardships I'd been going through. So much pain came up in how alone and unsupported I've always felt for as long as I can remember. Thank you so much for explaining about the avoidant attachment style. I see that avoidants get a lot of hate and have seen anxious style people call them "useless, unheal-able narcissists." Ouch. I hope more and more people learn to be compassionate and patient with us avoidants. All my love and gratitude to you Heidi <333

[LYoung-etsg]

I feel so sad for my little childhood self 😥

[almondmilksoda]

I think I was shamed (or maybe even attacked?) for expressing negative emotions growing up, because as early as being a child/pre-teen I distinctly remember being terrified of my OWN negative emotions. Like I wasn't allowed or supposed to feel them, or that I "shouldn't" feel them because "everything in my life (currently) is OK" or that, "all my material needs are met, so I shouldn't be complaining." I knew I had deep reservoirs of rage inside me at any given time, and it scared me — enough to avoid establishing any true intimate relationships. I kept things superficial. I have always been emotionally hyper-independent, and never felt comfortable sharing my true thoughts and feelings (until very recently!). It was a very lonely, isolating existence, but I'm learning and healing now. Thank you for this excellent content.

[Lia-jkoj]

Literally cried through the whole video. Just learned I was a DA today after hurting a lot of peoples feelings my whole life

[helenabrojirova]

This is eye opening!! Now i understand why i didnt feel sad when my grandpa died and my family was in circle crying hugging and i had to force myself to cry. It didnt register that i was sad and even now when i write about it i feel sad but the moment i feel it i can see that i am activly suppressing that emotion

[muiscnight]

Wow a trait I hate the most in people is when they expect people to help and acknowledge them. My childhood was great in a psychical need sense but I guess it was lacking in a emotional sense. Now I know why I am such a weirdly calm person

[elsewherehouse]

She has a gift with words. I dont know how she does it. To use an exhausted cliche, Its not just "on target", but it hits the bullseye ! while listening to her video, my eyes just started randomly leaking!