How Avoidant Attachment Can Begin

[phoenix_rising]

This can also happen in families where you witness a lot of arguing and chaos and your nervous system is constantly vigilant expecting the next outburst/ unpredictable behavior so you grow up placating everyone in an attempt to avoid conflict.
*Edit*In my home there was a combination of both. Big blowout arguments, then silence while we all go to separate places. Stomping around and slamming doors but not speaking. The next day we act like nothing happened...I would consider myself anxious-avoidant (I think also called disorganized or fearful avoidant) because I experience characteristics of both. Either shutting down and ignoring my needs, or exploding and feeling like I have to fight for my voice to be heard. Of course it's more complicated than a short clip can explain but I definitely exhibit the behaviors she described in my relationships. Getting better though. Healing is possible❤️

[itsbuggers]

"Oh, my childhood was fine! Very boring. No yelling or abuse or nothing like that." I've been saying this for over 30 years and this short just hit me like a ton of bricks.

[MatthewJohnHunterMusic]

It’s a relief hearing this. It’s such a lonely experience, and it’s difficult to imagine that anyone else could relate.

[TeganThrussell]

I can remember this as a kid. My mum would do it especially. If she got angry, or annoyed, she got quiet. I HATED when mum got quiet. One word answers, if at all, no eye contact, just complete shutdown of communication. Sometimes minutes, sometimes hours.

But you know why I love her to this day? She developed out of it! She doesn't do that anymore, or if she does it doesn't last ANYWHERE near as long, and it's always followed up by hugs and apologies.

She recognised what she was doing to her kids, and her relationship, and began improving. It was slow, but it meant the world to me, and it was a great example that no matter how awful I have been, I can always change. I can always make things right.
I can remember times as a teenager, washing dishes and cleaning to try and appease my angry, silent mother. And then she just came up behind me, hugged me really tight and said she was sorry for stressing me out, and thanked me for trying to help her the only way I knew how. I know she likes a clean house, so I cleaned to try and make her happy.

That's the difference between a good parent and a bad one. Good parents may still do bad things, and can make a BOATLOAD of mistakes. But they will always recognise that it was a bad thing, and try to fix it. They will try to grow and mature, even if they're a middle aged adult!

My mum did her best. She made a lot of mistakes and bad choices, just like this kind of thing from the video. But she didn't stay that way, and she did her best to try and help me feel loved, appreciated and emotionally validated. It was late, to be sure, but I love her to bits for trying and doing her best to help me through the aftermath of growing up with her doing that! She encouraged me to go to therapy, and whenever I feel stressed or anything she is open to hear it and accepts it, even if she is part of the problem. I'm an adult now, but I still go to her to complain, vent and seek advice, because she's the best person I know for advice about changing.

My mum isn't perfect. But she tries a lot harder than many parents, and I am so lucky.

[Seeattle]

Don’t forget the part about feeling incredibly guilted when you finally decide to set boundaries with your partner and not go along with absolutely everything because your just “disappointing people”

[innerblissing]

Because this is how I was raised, I always thought it was a positive thing, I thought we all had the ability to move on, when in reality we were repressing our feelings and needs.

[navibanfield]

This one hit me like a truck. My home was either uncomfortable silence or overwhelming chaos and neither felt good

[OnlyLoveIsWelcome]

It's just as painful to be ignored as it is to be screamed at

[heylookits]

This is why I apologize for everything and always think people are mad at me, talking about me negativly, or dont like me.. I also always feel like im in trouble

[ke]

When I was young, I envied “quiet homes” because I came from a large black family and we get loud and we yell and we communicate in a way that is not very quiet so as a kid, I just always thought like it was better to come from a home where there was no yelling, and there was no raising your voice or anything like that as I’ve gotten older I realize that there are issues with both kind of upbringings because trust me I got my problems, but I had no idea. This is how the avoidant is formed.

[ChaiTogether]

Trauma ruins lives, not everyone heals.

[ketzalzin]

Your videos have helped me be more self aware of how I teach my 2 year old to regulate his emotions. I grew up in a disfunctional family and I wasnt taught how to regulate my emotions or any healthy coping skills. I try my best to be emotionally present with him, even though I am still healing from my own traumas and tend to dissociate. It's been hard maintaining calm and regulated during the tantrums, but I remind myself the way I speak to him now is how he will talk to himself as he's older. It's exhausting especially as a single mother, but I'm hopeful that in the process of this we are ending generational cycles of abuse.

[mimialways]

This is how I developed as a teen and adult. My dysfunctional upbringing and inability to connect in relationships. Working on mitigating bpd.

[Shannykin]

Half of my family did this the other half yelled and threw things across the room. Over the last 20 years I have been working on letting my children know they can tell me anything and that I will support them in any way they need me to. I may not always agree with their decisions but I will always love them no matter what. I try to be the calm bay in the wild sea of life. I hope when they are all grown they see me in this way.

[azazelviper]

This is why i have pretty much constant conversations with my daughter about speaking up, and knowing that she is allowed to take up space and so are her feelings

[nnorthwest]

Wow you just captured my entire childhood. I wish I saw this before it took me 35 years to figure out why I was so messed up with my family. I'm 37 now and life is much better once you understand the reasons your so fuxked up and can move past it and become the person I actually am. Your words are amazing at showing how damaging a household like this can be. My parents don't understand why my kids are allowed to cry and yell and have opinions. To us it's not an option or an allowance they are human so they get to be and act like humans.

[KaraCreates]

This is me. I moved out and had no clue how to resolve conflict as an adult, had no clue THAT I had no clue. I thought it was normal. I've learned healthy conflict resolution over the years but it still gives me a lot of anxiety.

[asbritt]

The penguin didn't want to hear this.

[ImAlicjaFrank]

Or a mum whose temper goes from 0 to 100 like a flick of a switch and starts screaming for the smallest things, so you become hypervigilant. Or when your parents talk over you when you want to tell them something exciting, making you feel like your needs are unimportant.

[Tacocat]

I hate how accurate this is it's like we lived the same childhood 😢. I struggle so much with even accepting that my problems are really worth bringing up, even then I back down so easily. Having relationships and connections is a huge struggle too. Ugh.