10 Signs You Might Have An Avoidant Attachment Style

[NSEasternShoreChemist]

Summary of points:
1. When I have a problem in life, I have to deal with it, especially if it's an emotional problem. I hate people who are playing the victim and can't stand being a burden on others.
2. When I'm in an intimate relationship, I feel suffocated by the demands, especially if the other person asks me how I'm feeling.
3. I feel most comfortable making major life decisions by myself. My interests, career, and hobbies are much more important to me than my relationships.
4. I am happy to meet the practical needs of my loved ones, but I'm uncomfortable when these same people need emotional support.
5. I'm okay with asking others to meet my wants (i.e. friendships, sex life, intimacy), but not my needs (practical, financial, survival). I can only rely on myself.
6. When my feelings are hurt, I retreat and process instead of reaching out to whoever hurt me.
7. I'm open to romantic relationships, but I find it hard to find someone who meets my standards for independence and self-sufficiency. When I find such a person I don't know how to get close to them.
8. I am very protective over my time and physical space. I need a predicable environment that's under my control.
9. I don't know what opening up means. I'm fine 900% of the time, and, when I'm not, I deal with it myself.
10. When I love someone, that means I don't put my needs on them or burden them in any way.

[toddedwards]

You summarized my 53 years in 20 min. I had no idea who I even was. Thank you

[howabouthat]

I saw my whole life play out while you were speaking. I didn't start out being avoidant - no child does - it just became the safest space for me so thank you for saying we're not villains.

[DallaS.]

It's difficult to have an avoidant attachment style along with depression. It's having all of the personal expectation and responsibilty on a self individual basis but not having the motivation to take action and an unwillingness to seek help from others. It's a vicious cycle

[tentimes]

So many shots fired at me, and every single one hit.

I was aware I was a dismissive avoidant, but listening to this brought me a whole new level of understanding... and comfort.

Someone understands we are not villains.

[ZiliaVing]

Signs:
1. You take radical responsibility for your life.
2. You often feel intense pressure in intimate relationships
3. You feel most comfortable making major decisions alone
4. You'd rather meet practical needs than emotional ones
5. You can outsource your "wants" but not your needs
6. When feeling hurt you tend to retreat to process rather than reach out to repair
7. You struggle to find adequately independent partners
8. You are highly protective of your time and space
9. You rarely feel emotionally vulnerable
10. You show love by not putting your needs on others

[CatAtomic]

I'm a fifty year old man I feel like I've just listened to someone summarize my life, point by point. I've always just considered all of these things the default way of being a person. It's kind of a revelation to me that, apparently, they are not.

[pl]

The best video I've every seen about Avoidant Attachment. Thank you!

[pureharmonybeats]

This literally is me, I’ve always been this way but realized a couple years ago how damaging some of my behaviors were to my relationships so i started working on myself and promised to not repeat certain patterns in my next relationship.. i stuck to my word BUT I ended up dating another avoidant and it was pure hell for me!! Dose of my own medicine.. finally deeply understood how some of my actions made others feel.. I’m still actively working on myself and growing everyday 🤞🏽

[Monicalia]

''When you're feeling hurt you tend to withdraw rather than reach-out to others for repair''
Yesterday I talked to my therapist about it and I realized that ever since I was a kid, if I was hurt, I'd never talk about it because I was too afraid to ''ruin the mood''. I was scared of making people uncomfortable, angry, I was afraid they'd accuse me of ''ruining the mood'' or ''killing the vibe'', because everyone was in such good moods and I ruined everything with my stupid problems. It's exhausting because it's such a strong, solid mental block that I can't get through it.

[nardbagel]

This woman is putting words to things I've felt forever. It's wild.

[barb]

This all makes so much sense to me & sounds like me throughout. I can better understand now why my adult kids get angry with me when they've needed EMOTIONAL support from me but instead just got my "just fix-it" attitude. I have had to take care of my emotional needs (or just bury them) since I was a very young child. My kids have actually said to each othet, "well look at how Mom was raised." I am 71, have problems with my adult kids & see how this is contributing...and has contributed in past relationships. I want to learn to do better before my life is over! 😲

[srobearl]

She definitely nailed me. I definitely self regulate and resist being a burden or vulnerable to others. I like to help people practically. I don't favor getting into messy emotional details. I was coded from early on that crying and complaining is shameful.

[cgc]

I have an avoidant attachment style. This is the only video I've found that accurately expresses what we think and feel. Thank you for your compassion in this video.

[trishna_]

You are honestly by far the best person on this topic. So clear, concise, understanding, and giving actually realistic practical help and advice.
Thank you so much!

[sherileyva]

Literally have all 10. I have been obsessively trying to figure out what is wrong with me and how to be happy for the past 5 yrs since I got sober. I'm 49 and sadly I have zero idea of what happiness is. I had never even heard of attachment styles until I found one of your videos today. I believe this is a huge piece of my puzzle and I'm looking forward to learning more..

[beckyoconnor]

I can’t remember the last time a YouTube video made me laugh so much. Albeit, not “ha ha comedic laughing” but the “uncomfortable dammit” type of laughing. 😂 The accuracy of these 10 points is uncanny. How can a YouTuber know more about me than I do? lol Apparently I’m not as mysterious as my friends accuse me of being. Seriously though, incredible video, far more accurate and comprehensive than anything else I’ve ever heard. Risking sounding too emotional 😊, Heidi’s videos are life changing.

[andreeadobre]

It's so spot on it hurts. Today I reached out for repair for the first time in my life after initially running away to hide back in my fortress and it really worked out great, I'm extremely grateful for this second chance, especially so early on in dating. It was a huge wake up call to find out how my running away affected him, usually I just assume the other person is relieved I'm not bothering them anymore.

[AnotherAverageAsian]

Wow....I feel extremely called out.

I have a single mom and I was an only child. My mom worked a lot so I had no one but myself to rely on. I knew how hard and stressed my mom was, so as a child with so little power, I always try to avoid being a burden to her and to the people around me. Now that I'm an adult, it's great that I'm more self-reliant, but I have some serious emotional blind spots. I'm incredibly logical and solving problems is my bread and butter at work, but not everyone thinks so logically like I do, so when I think I'm just being straight forward and to the point, it's not coming out that way to other people. I can see people are mad at me and taking it personally, but it's not registering why. You nailed it with the relationship. I would love to be in a relationship, but yeah I have standards for self-sufficiency and independence. I want someone who can keep up with me, but even if I found someone I wouldn't have the emotional skills to get closer because I never had the practice.

[jasonandrus]

You just described me to a tee. The performing acts of service rather than meeting someones emotional needs is something i do all the time. Its cost me relationships, most recently one with someone i cared very deeply for but wasn't able to properly express my feelings and meet theirs deeper needs. Thank you so much for posting. I'm trying to change and be better an this is so helpful.