The Challenges of Anxious-Avoidant Relationships

Some of the most difficult relationships are those between people who can be categorised as 'avoidant' and others who are labelled 'anxious.' Learn to know which of these two you might be - and how better to handle the tensions that arise in a pairing with your counterpart.

FURTHER READING

“There are so many ways to be unhappy in love, but one kind which modern psychology has given particular attention to are relationships, very high in number, in which one of the parties is defined as avoidant in their attachment patterns – and the other as anxious.

Attachment Theory is the term given to a set of ideas about how we love and the role of childhood therein originally developed by the English psychologist John Bowlby in the 50s and 60s. It divides up humanity into three categories according to our varying capacity to behave with confidence and trust in relationships.”

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CREDITS

Produced in collaboration with:

Amanda Eliasson

[ronnieariannatecson]

My mom told me it’s never you versus your partner, it’s you and your partner versus the problem. Work it out together.

[jahdequartz]

“Tragically the avoidant party triggers every insecurity known by their anxious lover” wow 😮

[ekah]

Well... that summed up my marriage.
To bad we don’t learn such basic emotional health in school.
Who used fractions?

[osiris]

Anxious attachment is the kid who had to cry loud and long for their needs to be met. They fear that without constant displays of affection and love in both directions they are not being seen and heard. Avoidant attachment is the kid who cried loud and long... and nobody came. So they learned to make do for themselves, and while the might want love and affection at their cores, they don't see it as something they can expect, and when they get it they view it with suspicion and doubt.

[misshillie]

At the beginning i am avoidant and when i realise i have something i can loose i get anxious. To deal with that i become avoidant. Never a dull moment in my life 😂

[moilwalk]

I laughed so hard at the opening line, "there are so many ways to be unhappy in love" ...[we're going to focus on just the one].

[sebastianelytron]

Bold of you to assume I'm in a relationship.

[stephs]

I'm in this very exact relationship, and it really wears me down. I find it hard for my partner to always want his distance, while I pour my soul and emotion into the relationship. It feels rather lonely and makes me feel depressed. I try to ignore it day by day, some days are just harder than others. :, /

[cherahsBroll]

I was the anxious one in this relationship. He was the avoidant. I walked away. Now, I'm the secure one in this relationship I have with myself and others. I'm ready for people to depend on me and I'm ready to depend on them. I now understand that I am complete in and of myself, and that I do not need anyone to be happy or provided for. I am enough, and I always have been. It took my avoidant ex-boyfriend to help me realize this. Life is far too precious to be wasted in misery. Do what you need to for your happiness.

[JohnDaniels]

It's like a dysfunctional tug of war. When the Anxious one goes toward the avoidant they move away, when the Anxious one moves away then the Avoidant moves towards them, push and pull relationship. BOTH people have to work on overcoming their attachment styles. The anxious one has put more time into themselves and the avoidant has to put more into the relationship.

[bravepart]

If you find yourself in this situation, pull back a bit, put that anxious energy you've invested in them and the relationship into yourself, and remember to be a friend first and a partner 2nd. That's what drew you together in the first place.

[LexBrown]

I think the avoidant type can get easily vilified. I’m avoidant and tried to introduce my anxious partner to attachment theory. He wasn’t having any of it... just saw it as another way I was being “cold” and “distant” instead of trying to find a healthy solution to our painful cycle. I don’t think anxious people understand how overwhelming their emotions can be for avoidants. Also, because anxious types push and push and push for immediate answers from avoidants, it does not always feel safe to share feelings. Sometimes avoidants get judged hastily by anxious partners. Or because anxious partners are so much more “mature” in their ability to express love, they can criticize you for needing more time. Or anxious partners can also swing back and forth very quickly from loving and nurturing to angry and stonewalling because they don’t know how to be secure in their own feelings. For avoidants who move slower, perhaps more cautiously, this level of passion is confusing and sometimes just scary. Even if you’re an avoidant who is super aware of your tendencies, doesn’t mean that you’re going to be able to fix them right away, especially in a moment of discomfort. I think even recognizing what emotions you’re feeling as an avoidant takes time because often you are brought up in a household where family do not build language and awareness over emotions. And it’s really hard for the avoidant too! You feel like you never measure up in the anxious person’s eyes, so eventually you just stop trying. Just wanted to add this I comment because I see a lot of anxious-types dissing avoidants and it’s not totally fair. It takes two to tango. That’s what I always told my partner.

[JohnDaniels]

For all the Anxious people, DON'T ABANDON YOURSELF
it just makes the whole dysfunction dynamic worse.

[shilohmorris]

I have a secure attachment style and I am in a relationship with an avoidant. I've noticed that I tend to always fall for avoidants and I think that it's because I feel sad for them. But it does tend to work because I am confident enough to understand that they love me and that they just aren't very good at expressing it. Sometimes it can be a tiny bit unfulfilling for me, but its always rewarding to watch them slowly open up and learn to trust with adequate space, reassurance, and patience.

[Joshuani]

“There are few things more romantic, in a true sense, than a couple who have learned to tell one another, with wit and composure, that they have been triggered in an avoidant or anxious direction, but are doing everything they can to get on top of things, and hope to be normal again in a little while” such wonderful words

[lenniesmith]

I can consider myself quite confident and content with being who I am. But when I found myself in a relationship with an avoidant, I started to seriously doubt myself and acted needy and angry. It was so out of character because I am considered calm by most of my friends.

[ChessMasteryOfficial]

*It's only after we've lost everything that we're free to do anything.*

[DisneyFanatic]

I use videos like these to psychoanalyze the characters I write in stories.
This definitely describes my current main couple.

[Ben]

WOW this is so relevant
I'm mostly an anxious type, and my girlfriend is mostly avoidant. However, I think our relationship works very well because we are allowed to be completely honest and vulnerable with each other. I am allowed to tell her when I'm feeling isolated (without attacking her). There are days when I can be especially down, and days when she can as well; but we support each other and hold no reservations when our times come. The least we can do is be there for each other and help each other grow, and I absolutely love that about our relationship.

[ethanjake]

As an avoidant, I can personally say I don't think ever of doing anything dirty with someone else while in a relationship, so if that happened to make anyone anxious, most of us won't be thinking about hooking up with someone else just because we've had an argument.