Narcissism vs Avoidant Attachment

Regardless of the difference between Narcissism and someone who is Avoidantly attached, you don't deserve to be ghosted, disrespected, belittled, mocked, made fun of, yelled at, cursed at, or blamed for everything. I believe healthy relationships demand consistent intentional mutual respect, sacrifice and selflessness. If you believe you're willing to do those but your partner isn't, that relationship simply won't work. Is that sad? Of course, but it's also necessary for us to set healthy boundaries and advocate for our legitimate needs.

[cat_city]

I hate having an avoidant attachment personality type.

[jiffyb]

"Not the right people" is such a valuable addition. People who will bring warmth to your life will happily accept boundaries. They see boundaries for what they are, an invitation for someone to get closer.

[yzma]

Dealing with a narcissist is what made me avoidant lol. I was so scarred by it that I became suspicious of most people. Especially people who seemed to be laying it on very thick early in a relationship

[stacey]

My husband has Avoidant Attachment and had an extremely difficult childhood. His ACE score is like 8 or something. He never really let anyone in and was extremely guarded. We were friends online for a couple of years and had no intention of dating before we met irl and could not deny the chemistry and started dating. He had extremely low self esteem. He moved to my town, had dinner with my family every night, and saw how different my family and my parents operated. It started a process of building him up, making him feel valued and special and a part of our family. What a marriage with loving parents can look like. Now, 14 years later, I know him very well. I know that he fears rejection and is insecure. I know what topics of conversation will trigger his defensiveness. I still talk to him about them, it a gentle and mindful way. We are at the point now where he doesn't need space from me anymore. He gets angry less, he gets defensive less, he's more patient, he's an amazing father. Sometimes we still run into his walls, and his walls stay up a lot with strangers he doesn't know. But with family, he's himself, and I love him very much, and how much he's grown.

[sincrovision]

The difference is the first will Hurt you consciously and the other will Hurt you unconsciously.

[reillya]

Thanks for not demonizing avoidant people, I’m not trying to hurt anyone, it’s literally just how I feel safe.

[NekoYuki]

I can love an avoidantly attatched person. Understand one. Be with one, without judgement... But a narcissist, that's another story. There's a big difference between a person with abandonment trauma who has issues letting you in completely vs someone who wants to control you.

[Sidera]

A good friend gave me this advice:

"It doesn't matter what their attachment style is or whether they are NPD, etc.

If they choose to use manipulation on you (and each will do it in different ways) to get their needs met rather than being open, present, and communicative, they're not capable of an adult relationship, and you don't need that."

Spot-on.

[evieevaeve]

FINALLY someone who gets it! Avoidants aren't trying to punish, we're just deeply afraid and that doesn't make it right, however, the INTENT is completely different.

[TwinSimian]

"Won't that push people away?"
"Not the right people."

Thank you for that.

[HandofHolmes]

“The goal is facing fear of abandonment” That line was so heavy. I’m definitely an aloof avoidant and I need the realize the right people will understand and stay by me. It’s not my fault that my guardians and people from my past emotionally messed me up, but it’s my responsibility to not let the damage affect those I love. Thank you for posting.

[rachelmel]

Avoidants can also be rooted in an upbringing of emotional neglect, too, I believe. Not just the type that's obvious but when parents don't teach how to experience, express, or process emotions whatsoever and don't offer comfort or curiosity when you're hurting emotionally. This is the case for my dismissive-avoidant partner.

[AlastorTheNPDemon]

It's also important to note that this narcissistic need for power, admiration, and control comes from a sense of _lacking_ both. These are people with self-esteem so deep in the pits that they needed to forge an entirely new identity to dissociate from it. The problem with this is, this fake sense of self requires regular upkeep from external sources to feel real, and the true self is still a raw nerve mired in toxic shame, so any negative feedback registers as a death threat to their nervous system - something the false self is designed to stave off at all costs.

[solus]

I have the avoidant attachment style. When I was a child I never felt safe with anyone, never could show vulnerablility without being critisized. I can't open up about anything, not even my achievements, showing any part of me feels wrong. I stay away from people because I know I'd be frustrating to deal with, but it still hurts seeing people here call avoidants "selfish" or "heartless". I just want to be left alone

[mariacarlacabrera]

It is good that these types of people are recognized, not to judge, but to distance ourselves and avoid the trauma they can cause us.

[spaceunicorn]

Here's another fun trick from a narcissist; accusing you of being avoidant, on purpose, to punish them, because they've proven they can't be trusted with your feelings. And you setting those boundaries disallows them more access to you, because they feel entitled to you either way.
It's also a form of gaslighting; "I never did anything that bad. You need a therapist for withdrawing yourself emotionally from me."

[kingklk]

“NOT THE RIGHT PEOPLE”!!!! BOOM!!! Truth bomb! Uh yeah, so I’ll be saving this one and watching it on repeat!!! Pushing away the toxic and holding out for what I deserve……..indeed……thank you so very much for the knowledge and the reminders to want more for ourselves!!! Appreciate you! 🙏

[lauraanalise]

I once was an avoidant, but once I started study psychology and realised that and how it was affected me as well as the reason I was doing I started working hard on changing my pattern behaviour.
Today finally I can say I have been in a 6 years healthy and loving relationship and an able to be vunerable and love deeply as never before, it took me 35years but I am happy with my journey. Its such a blessing. Also a tip for those of you who are avoidant it helps if you choose to have a relationship with someone with a secure atttachement style.

I was so scared to fall in love because deep down I was afraid I would loose that person and suffer, the same way I lost my dad when I was 14. But when I realised that the same "protection mechanism" was preventing me from actually living life fully I made the decision to let go of my "armour" it didn't happen overnight...

[Hasankhann]

"but won't that push people away?"
"Not the right people"
Wow❤️

[TheNinjutsuAlchemist]

Grateful for this cuz I see so much hate and negativity toward avoidantly attached people (mainly from insecure attached types) and that’s just unfair. Calling them manipulative and narcissistic. Like no. Maybe the reason they avoid you so hard is because you’re judging them like this and they’re unsafe.