Why does the Anxious partner have to sacrifice for the Avoidant?

Why does the Anxiously attached partner always have to sacrifice or accommodate for the avoidant?
#anxiousattachmentstyle #boundaries #datingadvice

[mewmixify]

As an anxious attachment style, I finally realized that I would never have my needs for intimacy met with my avoidant partner. Also, I understood my avoidant partner would never be comfortable with my desired level of intimacy. That’s when I figured out that neither of us was at fault— we just weren’t a good match. We had different needs that were innately incompatible.

[vbj]

💯% . When a person with an anxious attachment takes ownership of his/her own life and shifts to having an internal locus of control, coupled with a healthy self esteem, s/he will no longer be attracted to people with an avoidant attachment style.

[mrsks]

Set boundaries even when it's punished, be honest even when it's punished. Let Go of the outcome... You aren't in charge of how they will react and you are allowed to express your feelings.

[mysterylovescompany]

As an Avoidant person with several long-term relationships on my resume & now a 6 year happy marriage, I can say that if the Avoidant person has the courage to face their fear + keep closing the distance again after the time it takes for them to begin to feel safe once more, then they're actually doing a lot more than it might seem.

But both partners need to be accountable for trying to respect each other's needs - the Avoidant the Anxious's need for attention, + the Anxious the Avoidant's need for space - & both keep showing that good faith effort, _continuously, _ for it to work.

To the Anxiouses of the world, I would tell that no relationship should be one-sided, & to the Avoidants of the world, I would tell that there is no courage without fear + no love without sacrifice.

[MariaV]

I was dating an avoidant, he was doing everything that would make him feel good. Distance himself without communication, left me on read for days, blamed me why his behavior was like this.
The most simple thing I did was walking away. Best choice I made

[LOwens-xfyo]

Great line: I came here to complain, not self-reflect, ok?
I’ve been guilty of that myself way too often!

[TheCoffeeCat]

Yes! The work the anxiously attached person needs to do is NOT to repair the relationship, F that, F that relationship, F that avoidant. The work is internal, so as to center themselves in their own lives and stop focusing on other people. Become more self-centered. Raise boundaries and standards. Stop DOING for others. Do for yourself, live for yourself and accept no one who will subtract from that.

[Mike-sjsi]

As the anxiously attached person I also had to work on healing from what caused the anxious attachment style. Otherwise I would've walked away from every relationship. The amount that I needed from a partner was unhealthy, if that makes sense. I couldn't just always accuse people of being avoidant when not every person was avoidant, some were while others just had their own lives and couldn't always give me every single thing that my anxiety told me I needed. Having needs is perfectly acceptable of course however in my case my needs were just so high. I wasn't "a giver, " I was suffering from trauma that I needed to address.

[smollnarwhal]

When I got far enough into therapy and started to value myself, I understood I shouldn't be made to feel like I HAD to carry the whole relationship and cater to all of his childish ways. I didn't have to do shit. I didn't have to stay in a relationship that burnt me out. What a relief it was to leave that behind me.

[iwersonsch]

As someone avoidant enough to not even look for a relationship, I approve of the stance that givers should set boundaries and make demands.

[rachelgresock]

This is 100% true, but can also go the other way. As an avoidant person myself, sometimes it will feel like I’m constantly going out of my comfort zone to try and make an anxious person happy, and in certain relationships (aka unhealthy ones) the anxious attachment style will try to guilt the avoidant person for never giving “enough”. I was constantly left exhausted because it felt like I was giving and giving so much more than I was comfortable with but that effort was never acknowledged except for being told I still wasn’t good enough. Very glad that I’ve now grown and have relationships with people who meet me in the middle <3

[MrsKeane]

The accountability in this is incredible. There's so much work to do still but with love and humility with healthy boundaries I think it can work.

[alexisfuller]

Thank you for calling out me and my fiancé. I'm the avoidant one, he's the anxious one and recently we have been having long conversations about how I have to step up my gane and he's gotta stand up for himself and communicate when he's had enough. I go back into doing the bare minimum constantly and I am so fed up with myself. He deserves a giver, not a taker. I want to show my love for him the way he shows me his love constantly and unconditionally. He loves me so loud and proud, whereas I am very limited in what I express outwardly. I want us to work on our relationship before we get married so we can start our marriage off strong!

[jessewarner]

I call it “getting crumbs”. Giving so much to relationships, and then getting crumbs back, and trying to be grateful for getting any crumbs at all! How do we get conditioned like this? This is particularly apt at Christmas! OMG, doing all the shopping, cooking, decorating, wrapping, and then not even getting a gift! It can be with anyone too, friends and extended family, and not just the primary relationship. Thanks for shedding light on things!

[Healingx]

"Find other givers to give to." In my healing journey, that's the first quality I look for, but the thing is, if the person is giving to me and not to others. When I met my narc husband, I saw him giving to others, and I thought I would marry that man. No, he's only a giver outside the home.

[maikegallwitz]

My avoidant ex told me in a recent conversation that his default defense is to ALWAYS see to that his own bids for closeness are at least one step down from his partner´s. That made a lot clear to me. It did not solve anything between us when I gave less - he would just give even lesser, and the "relationship" became love-less and carel-ess to a level I had never imagined I would put up with. When I increased my energy input, he would, too - but never enough to match mine, or to allow for peace and relaxation to enter and make the relationship aatually enjoyable. A constant struggle. The way out for me was to realize this would never really change. And as I don´t enjoy this kind of struggling dynamics, the best I could do is getting out and enjoying my own life. His issues are not my problem any more and gosh it is a relief.

[thepkitty]

thank you for the validation today. I left a relationship earlier this year and the grief process has been difficult because I lost more than just the romantic partner. I still get so angry that they won't take any accountability and that they just don't care and blame me for everything, but I was seriously so tired of begging for my needs. I'm glad I finally stood up for myself for myself, if no one else.

[NeonBlue]

Also remember that if someone is a good person and an avoidant... you may be overstimulating them. Learn how to give both of you the time and space you need.

- An anxious partner with a narc mother.

[jlh]

To the anxious person...
Let go of the outcome to keep hold of yourself!
Set boundaries and stick to them.

[minim]

The number of people on relationship forums calling their partners avoidant and themselves anxious and actually they're just in abusive relationships. And probably wouldn't be half as 'anxious' if they weren't dating a scumball.