Anxious/Avoidant Relationships: Why They Only Heal Through Shadow Work

[MRW]

My husband & I have tried conventional approaches through 3 different marriages counselors over the course of our 28 year marriage. We were introduced to your work (several weeks after announcing to our family we were mutually separating and planning divorce.) We both have gained so much insight and are now working to repair our marriage in a way that we never have before. Something that seemed so broken has been given new hope and new life thanks to your attachment theory work and your videos. We are indebted to you, Heidi ❤️

[josephinejones]

What I basically get from this is "do not wait on others to change, just change yourself".

[JaradDeLorenzo]

This is the most thoroughly well-balanced, non-blaming, well-structured, masterfully delivered, least triggering, profoundly insightful, exceptionally clear, remarkably nuanced, deeply empathetic, highly accessible, wonderfully inclusive, incredibly empowering, and astonishingly transformative guide to navigating the complexities of anxious-avoidant relationship dynamics I have ever encountered. I now have a true path forward and have never been so hopeful <3

[RayPryor]

5 Questions: (Timestamp 21:10)
1 Am I ready for the relationship’s power dynamic to drastically change?
2 How am I going to deal with the insecurity that will arise when I finally start looking at my partner as my true equal?
3 How can I proactively work to stop triggering my own shadow traits in my partner?
4 Am I willing to take a sober look at this relationship and be realistic about the ways that we are and are not compatible?
5 Am I willing to focus at least 5x harder on my own change and growth than on my partner's?

[jessicalinger]

I just told someone the other day that I came to the realization that I was always holding onto hope subconsciously that prince charming was coming for me and that he would make everything ok. But I realized he isn't a real person, it's me. I am the person I have been waiting for to step up and do the hard things and have confidence, etc. then I found your videos and I am learning so much!! I am the anxious person and my husband is avoidant. I am excited to work on my own emotional regulation and self reliance and see what happens between us! Pretty nervous too ...

[kwbaby]

I just wish EVERYONE in this comment section luck with these types of relationships. I hope everyone finds their happiness whether it’s with your partners, or whether you decide to walk away. It sucks loving a person so deeply, and knowing that they cannot express these feelings back to you, whether it are secure or anxious. Every one has something to work on, and I hope that everyone will succeed in their journeys. ❤

[jdprettynails]

PERFECT TIMING.
I’m anxious and he’s avoidant. We both love each other, but we’re constantly accidentally hurting each other

[vvvvaaaacccc]

4:15 "those who err more anxious on the attachment spectrum learned and internalized from a young age, if I don't make my needs very loudly and consistently known, I will be abandoned." another gem, true to my life and well put.

[KayFlowidity]

1:35 👌👌👌
3:00 The Shadow
5:15 Secure Relationships
9:00 Blame Game 😮
10:30 Change 🤔
11:35 Over Function Avoidant
13:30 Over Function Anxious
15:55 💯
17:25 Healed Attachments
18:35 Frame & Fantasies
20:35 Dynamics🔥
21:10 Five Questions 😮
24:00 Traits & Triggers
26:15 Embodiment
27:10 Secure Couples
28:55 Mutual Growth
29:50 Deep Focus!

[iranatalukha]

This is so true. As an anxiously attached partner I remember having experienced thoughts like "I'm gonna be so happy and pleased when they allow themselves to need me" and then proceed to feeling disgust when they actually do, and it has been one of the greatest misteries and sources of confusion and shame for me in those relationships

[CremeBrulee]

HOLY FRIJOLES!!! REVELATION!!! This is me and my husband. All these years I’ve been wondering why I’m the one who provides all the emotion in the relationship. Phew, I can take a break and need to work on my shadow. So grateful to know this. I look forward to my honey’s eventual awkward emotional proximity seeking behaviors. I’ll be prepared to respond with maturity.

[tylerwells]

I swear, your videos keep getting better and better. You go in-depth into relationship dynamics and healing from trauma in such an eloquent, detailed but easily digestible way for those that may not have access to the same educational resources, that not many content creators in this space can pull off. Thank you so much for everything you do! Keep it up!

[maritxuhh]

After my fearful avoidant partner and I (anxious) had our first fight she went into full avoidant, told me to live my life more and leave her alone. I said "you're right" and did exactly that, and her shocked reaction was priceless. And as you said, it forced her to do the work, realise her own issues and start therapy.

[vvvvaaaacccc]

1:55 "it might get you a relationship where you're not triggering each other as actively. that's not the same thing as healing the relational dynamic." another gem, true to my life and well put. I've been desperately trying to avoid triggering my partner in hopes that this would help our relationship to heal.

[FFCayn]

Never saw any video like this in all the years going through videos about this dynamics topic. It's so much to the point and real that I just have to thank for it and hope for more to come and be accessible to everyone to be able to progress in their life.

[joshuazastrow]

Probably the hardest hitting video yet. Thank you for your work. I owe you so much.

[execbot]

Thank you so much for your videos. Not only do I watch many of them over and over, I also take notes. It's amazing how much I've learned not just about myself but others in these past 6 months I've been following you. Two minutes in, you explained exactly what was suggested to myself and ex when we went to counseling. It made things worse, it just felt like our differences were further magnified.

I regularly make my teenage daughters watch your videos because I do not want them to make the same mistakes I made for most of my adult life. Your explanations are so well organized and delivered in a simple, clear way that anyone can understand. I wish these sort of topics were taught in high school.

Once again, thank you so much.

[amandawitman]

Thank you so much, Heidi. I don’t know a better way to share a question for you other than in the comments, and you always ask whether we have questions, so…here goes…I have some questions about self-regulation (apologies as I know this is tangential to this video):

I had no concept of emotional self-regulation or co-regulation before you introduced them. I am now at the point where I can sometimes recognize unhealthy self-regulation and shift gears, but often I'm stuck with, okay, what do I do instead?

Some questions that come up for me are:

- What are the signs that you need regulation? What are the signs that say "Hey, stop what you are doing right now and self-regulate or co-regulate" vs. the signs that say "um, no emergency at the moment, but it looks like you need some self-regulation or co-regulation on a more regular basis, like, this weekend"?

- How do you know when you are regulated? What are the signs that you are regulated and can say "good job, self!" Or for the anxious among us, so you can say, "It's okay to relax; you don't need to take action right now”?

- What are some of the classic useful tools for healthy self-regulation and what does that look like for an insecurely attached person who is trying them out as tools for the first time? Would you share with us a list of possible things, or at least a list of what things tell you that something is working as a good tool for self-regulation?

- Would you tell us more about some of the common tools for self-regulation? It's especially hard to reach for new tools when you're triggered. So being able to recognize the less healthy tools and look instead to a list of healthier options could be helpful in those moments. I would appreciate help building that awareness.

- When we're a little ways into this journey and have a few healthy self-regulation tools in our toolkit, what happens when one or more of them is suddenly unavailable to us? Encouragement for developing new self-regulation tools, a bullet list of tools to try, and a reminder of why it's worth persisting to find new tools for this would be helpful. I wish there was a video from you that I could replay to remind myself of other tools and how to switch gears and and continue self-regulating when the old tool isn't working or isn't available. A sort of menu of possible healthy options could be helpful.

- Why do we need to co-regulate, not just self-regulate? What does co-regulation give us that we can't give ourselves? Or does it? What does co-regulation offer us that is better than self-reliance? What are the psychology and biology behind it?

- What are the things to look for to identify a person who will be a healthy co-regulator (or co-regulation partner?) Especially when we know nobody is perfect, what are the big clues that someone is or isn't a good person to co-regulate with?

- And what about co-regulation with pets or nature or other non-humans? Not sure if that fits into your philosophy, but it might be helpful to hear if it is.

I want to be sure you know the world is waiting eagerly for this one! Maybe you've already thought of it or made it. I hope so. If I'm ready for (and, truth be told, hungry) for it, I'm betting I'm one of many.

Thank you again for all you do. I know it's a pretty loud chorus saying this already, but I'll add my voice: Your work has changed my life, and my relationship with myself and others. I will always pay it forward, and if you need anything, let us know how we can give back.

[llbmbuk]

I lean anxious and have been on a healing journey for about two years now. Lately, I have been experiencing confusion around my desire to drag my feet in finalizing my divorce. When I am thinking clearly, I am proud of myself for the success I have had in separating from my husband and learning to take care of and defend myself. So, I didn't understand if there was maybe something I was missing that was causing this gut feeling that I should wait longer. Watching this video today finally drove home what I have been hanging on to - the comfort and safety I found in my avoidant partner that fulfilled my childhood savior complex. It also drove home that what I am/was seeking isn't real, but just a signal to continue the deep work of healing. It really was the missing piece for me. Thank you so much for making this video.

[DeeDeexo]

I've come to realize that I have never been emotionally attached or available in any of my romantic relationships or friendships. I've always been there for them emotionally but never let them in. It's no wonder that break ups are a breeze.
I never realized that I was deliberately seeking partners I never loved due to intimacy issues. Intuitively I knew I didn't have a strong connection with them or love them.
Now I know the areas I need to focus on. Thank you for the video, information, and advice. It has been profound. ❤