How to Fix an Anxious-Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave)

//How to Fix an Anxious Avoidant Relationship (And When to Leave)// Want to know how to fix an anxious-avoidant relationship? Today, you’ll learn how to navigate an avoidant and anxious relationship.How compatible are you and your partner? Here’s what it takes to make an anxious-avoidant relationship a success. Our attachment styles form us and our relationships. Especially the anxious attachment style and the avoidant attachment style can have a big impact on your relationship. Today, I share my best anxious-avoidant relationship tips to overcome anxious-avoidant attachment in relationships.

Watch the full video to learn more.

Chapters
00:00 Intro
02:12 A DEFINITION for the anxious-avoidant trap
06:41 WHY anxious and avoidant partners are drawn to each other
10:25 How they get caught in THE VALIDATION TRAP
13:06 HOW THEY ATTRACT AND REPEL EACH OTHER through activating and deactivating strategies
14:47 HOW TO KNOW if the relationship has a chance
19:05 Common TRIGGERS AND TIPS FOR COMMUNICATING in the anxious avoidant trap
19:48 Anxious Open Hearts
21: 08 Avoidant Rolling Stones
23:56 Disorganized (Fearful Avoidant) Spice of Lifer
25:43 Overall Summary
26:46 Final Thoughts

#fixananxiousavoidantrelationship #anxiousavoidantrelationship #brianamacwilliam

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[brianamacwilliam.attachment]

What was your biggest take away from this video? I'd love to hear in the comments below!

[sarahjay]

Dismissing an anxious partner’s feelings is a sure fire way to cause more and more emotions and pain

[BarryWeirdBastard]

The avoidant part of me wants to run away and be single forever because I hate that in relationships the anxious part of me is awakened. I feel I'm in a constant battle with myself...push them away...no pull them closer...work on the relationship...no give up....let them in...regret it and then feel resentful that they aren't letting me in. I feel less crazy when I'm single. Less broken. Less traumatised and triggered and yet I know deep down that only in relationships can I begin to heal 🤯 Add in the fact I only seem to be attracted to other avoidants?! 💥😢

[CaulkMongler]

“I’m terrified that if someone got close enough, they’d realize they don’t like what they find” wow… just to hear that there are people out there who felt *exactly* the way I feel, it both hurts and is a little comforting.

[kudaeratravels]

It seems that we need to tolerate an avoidant's behaviour and not expect them to change nor understand us. So this means we have to bear all their dismissive attitude and be fine disrespecting us. Life is short to be miserable. 🙄

[darlingnikki]

"I know you better than you know yourself." As a psychologist who briefly dated a (hardcore) DA, it was difficult and even stressful to resist the urge to tell him what was going on. Tried to talk about myself, tried to bring the topic of attachment styles in the most casual ways, but... This can only work if a DA recognises his patterns, the similarities between the relationships they had, AND are willing to work on their core wounds.

[travanavanover]

One thing I don’t agree with is when people say you pushed them away. I think they push themselves away.

[TheJoshyCee]

You fix it by ending it and working in yourself and accepting someone who’s secure!

[angelinasamson]

I’m definitely the anxious attachment, when ever I feel the anxiety come up, I dive into YouTube and find something that helps me become more aware and I do recognise this
I still get the feeling of anxiety though

[inanutshell]

As a therapist and someone who has personally experienced this cycle, you did a perfect job of explaining this dynamic. I appreciate that you didn’t vilify the avoidant but explained the deep rooted insecurities that tend to drive them. I imagine many watched trying to understand their partner and only realizing at the end that they may be with someone struggling with a personality disorder.. in which case, like you said, they will need individual treatment for in order to be in a healthy relationship. Hard pill to swallow for anxious types hoping they can “fix” them. Thank you for this video.

[sylvie__mey]

I first watched this video half a year ago and saw myself as anxious attached and my ex-partner as avoidant attached. This video gave me really great input and insight to understanding my own feelings and patterns, which I worked on in my therapy from that point on and learned a lot about myself. He was not in a place to put the same work into the relationship so a few months back I decided to end the relationship. In my eyes he will forever be a kind and warm human, but being outside that relationship and now dating someone who is very similar to myself when it comes to needs, closeness and love languages, made me realize how much I suffered in that relationship and how little I received.

I am sure there are who can build up a beautiful relationship on the fundament of why they attracted each other in the first place. "Anxious people are actually acting avoidant and avoidant people are actually anxious" really stuck to me and described our relationship perfectly. I really believe that a deep fear of being rejected by someone who I 100 % open up to, made me go into that relationship where I could always say "but he isn't there enough". I am glad for the both of us that this is over and better things are coming.

[gwendolynn]

I believe we're unconsciously picking our partners, because we need them to grow into a secure person. I am grateful for my relationship, because I am now secure.

[amiyaramlall]

"never to to surrender to the act of receiving?" I JUST LEARNT SOMETHING ABOUT MYSELF 💀💀💀

[blacklionesssa]

These are so insightful and triggering at the same time. I’m glad one person on the internet hasn’t labelled avoidants as villains that should be left to die alone.

[Bmoby]

As a fearful Avoidant here, this is the best well balanced take on the subject that I have found. Usually anxious individuals are painted as the ones that can do "no wrong and don't need to grow/evolve", and Avoidants are the villains of the story that need all the work.

[elianap]

Ah, I'm crying. This might be the first video I found that explains what goes on with both anxious and avoidants. I can see myself in some of the anxious behavior, but anxiety gets to me pretty quickly once the avoidant disappears, so after I voice my concerns or dissatisfaction a couple of times, I tend to leave the relationship alone. Then I go through months of sadness and confusion by myself. I have no idea what that would be called, but it's really confusing and I've always felt like it's the other person's fault for changing so suddenly.

[AFTALonzo]

“open hearts” “Rolling Stones” “spice-of-lifers” I love the non-judgmental names haha

[Gundog]

Wow….you nailed it. After 28 years in a tumultuous marriage to a woman that is distant she says she wants a divorce. She has always had a wall up. Sometimes a foot high sometimes ten feet high. I found that I was always trying to scale it but then told her (after she declared she wanted the divorce) “I’m tired of trying to scale the wall, you need to figure out why you have one and let me know what you want.” It was then I realized that I chose her because she was “safe”. Maybe it was I who had the fear of letting her in. I think that we all come from the “island of broken toys” but tend to think it’s the other person’s fault. “When you point your finger at someone look at your hand, there are three pointing back at you.” I’m working at fixing my own shit and not my wife’s. She has her childhood issues but I’ve decided to lead by example by working on mine and being open about it.

[kkwalte]

I was in a relationship with a fearful avoidant and he withdrew and shutdown and totally pushed me out of his life - three times. I'm the anxious avoidant type. We were seeing each other for 8 years, and it was definitely a push pull relationship. I finally realized what it all was and had to leave it.

[pampj]

It would be so nice to see a comment where the Attachments are generalized and other blaming.

If you are perfectly showing up in the relationship in the ways suggested, and your partner still responds in a negative manner, then you are dealing with a person whom has not done or is not willing to do the work. That is specific to that person.

Not all people with Avoidant attachments run “ for no reason“ just as not all People with Anxious attachment “ smother just to smother “.


These things will work if BOTH parties are doing their individual work.

People are watching these videos looking for ways to change the other’s behavior without considering their own contribution to the madness.

Do your own personal work to become more secure. Learn to set boundaries and recognize whether or not your partner is doing the work and if they are show more patience and compassion and if they aren’t then maybe it is time to find someone who is.