Why The Anxious Attachment Style Fears Intimacy

[Jeff_D-Kemper]

This video shook me to my core. Thank you. You nailed it. I 100% thought I’ve been such a good person by never intentionally hurting anyone, yet not taking responsibility for my emotions and being able to regulate myself has created so much harm. Thank you for the awareness your created in me.

[moorhexe]

i have never felt so called out in my entire life

[Black_pearl_adrift]

Describing why anxiously attached people seek out aboidantly attached people because they seem to have no needs…. WOW. My mouth actually dropped open

[neilmorbs]

Brilliant again! my summary: People who compulsively eat thing they love food. Addiction is not love. Anxious parts are compulsively drawn to intimacy as a form of desperation that leads to enmeshment.

Intimacy is where you can draw your boundaries clearly and then you can see each other. True intimacy requires both people owning their own inner vulnerabilities (inner children) and showing up as their adult self. This requires self-regulation and not seeking to be fixed by another.

Unconscious anxious beliefs don't like boundaries because they are afraid of detachment. Anxious parts are actually seeking a saviour or parent figure who doesn't have messy needs (buy the needs that the anxious person can easily meet are ok). They crave being looked after because in their deep heart they see themselves as 'innocent'.

On the surface of it someone with avoidant behaviours look like someone with no needs, so anxious parts are drawn to them! Then, over time, as the fantasy is burst they see the avoidance behaviours as 'bad' and return to their own childish sad state of innocence, unloved.

As we become emotionally intimate, as adults, it requires we share our messy emotional feelings, longing, needs and, crucially, flaws. It means admitting the way we hurt others, accidently. We are not as innocent as we thought and we are not a child and the other will not be our saviour. We have to be careful here not to fall into a shame spiral of depression, but instead to reach out from a place of self-awareness and connect and giving and receiving care from this adult way.

The anxious person must really build up the inner security as part of this journey. Fostering a secure base, internally. This can be encouraged and supported by a partner ONLY when you can show up as an adult and OWNING your feelings, longings, needs and flaws.

[yobroh]

“True intimacy requires two people who are responsible for patching up their own wounds and healing their own pain and their own trauma and simply supporting each other in the process in a parallel way. Moving side by side, giving support to each other.“

[tess]

Instead of saying “As an anxious avoidant… “ you say: “As someone who uses the anxious avoidant style… “
Thank you. I think that is useful and optimistic language! It gives me hope that I can change. This was the most powerful video I have seen so far from any content creator.

[AMBELLINA]

"We are using these things to forget ourselves."
Truer words...
I need to remember myself.

[Mardevscience]

This is absolutely what I need to hear. I parentalized my spouse for 17 years. Im going through a divorce. I’m codependent and in recovery. I expect others to set my boundaries. “I am innocent” is the background narrative in my head.

[rob-bd]

As a recovering AA myself, it seems like the AA people I've talked to who are doing the work are much more likely to understand their failures and be willing to change. I personally believe this is because we experience a higher level of conscious distress and therefore want or need to find healing. Of course I understand that my viewpoint is limited and subject to error.

[dbuck]

I am always astonished and how fluid and concise you are with your understanding of the subject matter. Bravo Heidi! 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[summero-myin]

Lol the part about responsibility makes sense for why avoidants are the ones constantly villainized online and the anxious partner is usually seen as the victim

[francas]

I've been with my avoidant partner for a while... It was actually a situationship that took ages to turn serious because of how completely effed our dynamic was. I've set strong boundaries, we had a healing period and I've just started acting a lot more secure in a fake it til you make it kind of way. Now he's opening up more and more and progressing the relationship in quite a few ways and now I am the one who is freaking out and overwhelmed. I will face my fears for him because he just feels like home and is a great man but boy is it hard. Now I'm realizing that under the avoidant that I so desperately felt like chasing there's a whole man who can be hurt by me and is sad when I'm gone and would be hurt if I fucked up. That kinda scares me. I'll do my best to grow up and not let him down because I do love him even after the chasing dynamic has worn off

[anzelaiv]

Such a great analogy! I remember that feeling of being with an AP and giving them the intensity they desire only for them to zone out the moment they get what they wanted, it's like they are not present with you anymore, stop seeing you, take you for granted, but as soon as you pull away because you feel like your efforts are not appreciated, they panic and blame you for not loving them enough. You think they love you but then it really does feel like you are there only as an emotional crutch.

[KasiaPolakKicia]

So incredibly insightful. I don’t want to be like this anymore. I realize how many things I’ve done wrong.

[davidbowman]

I am slowly healing from a somewhat traumatic childhood and i can see i was looking for a parent figure. Ive always been single but self-awareness is a good step.

[USAnne]

I have been on a "self-help" road for years, and am going through a painful break-up at the moment. What you have just explained, so clearly, is immensely helpful and eye-opening. Although I have "known" this information about myself for years, I feel like you have turned on a light in me, to understand and help myself. Thank you !

[Achlles]

I swear I had to pause this several times and cringe at how accurately this described me. I watched your video on limerence a year or two ago and it changed my life i wish I had also seen this at the same time. I’ve sabotaged so many potential relationships looking back at things.


Thank you so much. Literally tearing up while writing this because it feels like a puzzle piece thats been missing my entire life just fell into place.

[terryvolbrecht]

Thank you so much, Heidi. Important insights into what it means to have a wounded inner child who creates self-defeating anxious attachment strategies. Terry Real makes the invaluable point that it is not enough to hold and console the inner child; that the inner child needs to be kindly but firmly guided away from his or her habitual but maladaptive strategies which were understandable and even necessary at the time of wounding, but that need to be let go of if we are to be capable of adult intimacy.

[jadenc]

Wow heidi the first 5 minutes of this video alone were like a smack in the face as to ubderstanding why my relationships keep failing, and going down in a massive ball of flames when they are especially intensely serious relationships. In learning to understand what eincere emotional intimacy really means and reflecting on the past i can see that i am deeply craving that boundry dissolution and deep emeshment that when boundaries are reintroduced, usually by my partner, i dont understand why they want those silly things and things devolve in a brutal downward spiral that leaves both myself and my partners feeling emotionally broken.
I just want to say that im so so sorry to everyone ive ever hurt this way by not seeing myself more clearly sooner and being clear and up front about my needs in a relationship. I believe i can heal this but this is the hardest lesson ive ever had to learn, i was just divorced by my wife of nearly 5 years and now i know why.
Thank you for doing this work from the bottom of my heart, i never want to hurt another, or hurt myself this way again.

[slimmdrey]

When I get mad at what you’re saying, I know that’s what I need to work on. I get mad a lot… thank you for your videos ❤