Breaking free from the anxious-avoidant trap

#avoidantattachment #selfcompassion #toxicrelationships #adultattachmentstyles
#attachmentstyles #attachmenttrauma #selfcompassion #drruthannharpur #avoidantattachmentstyle #anxiousattachmentstyle #secureattachment #couplestherapist #couplestherapy

Perhaps the most common conflict in a relationship is between a parter who fears losing the relationship and a partner who fears losing themselves. This is the perennial conflict between partners with a more anxious attachment style and those who have a more avoidant attachment style. In these relationships each partner tends to provoke in the other the behaviour they don't want to see. The anxious partner drives the withdrawal of the avoidant partner and the withdrawal of the avoidant partner, drives the anxious partner's attempts to get closer.

Adult attachment styles are not set in stone and it is possible to change this relational conflict.

If you'd like to learn more about attachment styles after abusive relationship then check out these videos:

The truth about your attachment style after abuse:

Hope for people with an ANXIOUS attachment style:

Avoidant attachment: how to get close without losing your freedom

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FREE EXERCISE TO HELP YOU BUILD SELF COMPASSION AFTER ABUSE

If you'd like my help to start building self compassion after abuse click here:

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[Moonchildstargazer]

One key element here is that both partners want to fix it together. My experience is that the avoidant just avoids it all and lets it blow over then just go back to the same behaviors.

[topzozzle]

Avoidants usually aren't interested in fixing anything, they would rather just run away. Break the cycle, let them run, dont let them back in. Take yourself seriously.

[InvisibleBorderline]

Anxious most of the time. When resentment builds because of my overwhelming anxiety, I become dismissive and avoidant.

[Ailendir]

Thank you for the video. To summarize - anxious types are expected to work on relationships, caring about avoidants needs for autonomy, while avoidants can have their cake and eat it too - having a personal freedom, and having a security of relationships, all at the minimal cost of their effort. Got it!

[matt-g-recovers]

I watched this and discussed the key points with my avoidant partner and we both have been doing so much better to show up for and understand each other's needs.
Thank you for making this concise, giving hope and practical advice.

[GodHelpMe]

Avoidants are so focused on testing their love interest
to make sure he/she will be a good partner
that they don’t even notice that in the process...
THEY have become a terrible partner!

We have to let people walk away. That creates a space for the right person.

I will not hide what I feel.
I will NEVER sugarcoat what I say.
Radical honesty is my highest calling and my greatest value.

I only accept consistency. I deserve it. I accept nothing less than being treated as the queen I AM.

[shawnawagner]

The gift of being an anxious person married to an avoidant is that it heals the anxiousness as we become more and more clear that our bids will rarely be answered and that it has nothing to do with us.

[PrettyOmnificent]

You give them space and the don't come back, depending on another person to make you feel better is the worst, you can do your part and they don't, the avoidants can leave at any time really and you will never know when it's really over if you depend on them they only care when they see you don't care to loose them.

[johnkarl]

So many people have insecure attachment. Attachment is also about your attachment to yourself so a dismissive avoidant type probably has poor self identity needing validation from outside so codependant ties play out. Only truthful communication can bring understanding about each others needs, behaviours and fears. Without communication there's always doubts, suspicions and insecurities. Feeling unsafe in unsafe circumstances is healthy and sometimes life saving. People can heal from insecure attachment
only if the other partner is willing to work on their issues, if not it's best to leave and focus on your attachment to yourself, learning to be whole with self understanding, Compassion. I never understood that old term " My other half " We need to be a whole self to offer another, not a half self.Thanks for your video❤

[CH-mrhz]

I’m an anxious attachment, but it seems only brought out by my current dismissive avoidant partner. In my previous relationship, I never needed reassurance, affirmation, endless affection, nothing. I was able to function quite fine with my independence and my ex-husband did his own thing as well. We weren’t intimately or financially compatible and that’s why the relationship ended. In my current relationship, the silent treatment, avoidant behavior sparked a monster alive in me. I wasn’t used to having a partner who avoided communication and resolution. It’s turned me into someone I don’t like. And I don’t have a fear of abandonment or losing him. In fact, some days I wish he’d walk away so I can keep our kids and move on in peace. I think I fear more-so that if he left, it’s going to confirm the fears I have about myself not being good enough. I would be much better off without this man’s emotional coldness.

[colbylacy]

This video helped me so much. I am so anxious!! But I get so frustrated with myself because I know it’s so important that she gets the space she needs, but sometimes it’s just so hard to keep myself from getting anxious.

[matildastanford]

The more ground l give the further away he gets and the less any of my needs, basic needs, are met. l have nothing less to sacrifice and beginning to mirror avoidant behaviours myself.
l'm done with following the breadcrumbs to nowhere and what feelings l had developed l'm suppressing and he's removing.
Thought we had something good, maybe what we want but not what we need.
My heart has been broken for a while and the scar tissue already formed, l'm done with carrying all the burden and giving but not receiving.
Avoid the avoidant, because if they were truly willing to heal themselves they would've already met you halfway and not choose distance.

[matildasackey]

This was really insightful! You have a gift for summarizing things nicely and explaining in such an easy to understand manner. I definitely had an eye opening moment listening to you.

[stephaniesantiago]

Finally a video which focuses on working things out

[EnglishwithEase-qsjq]

I really appreciate how concise this analysis is - I've never seen this dynamic pared down to the basics so clearly. I had an "a-ha" moment similar to being a geometry classes and understanding that "a squared plus b squared = c squared." And I appreciated the concise descriptions of "steps in the right direction." Thank you!

[SuperMaz]

My god, looks like I've been doing every single thing right and he, as fearful avoidant, is extremely immune to everything I do and say. Love is a losing game.

[xopexindustries]

I’m pretty anxious. I get avoidant when resentment builds up. My wife is avoidant. She doesn’t seem to want to acknowledge it or work on the relationship. I can’t imagine it being the best thing to leave because of this…

[AmeilaStar]

I’m anxious and my soon to be ex husband is avoidant. He never reassure me. I always felt alone in my relationship. I wish we had this information because our relationship got terrible. Thank you for the info

[moonstar]

i think i’m done with relationships and just buy a goldfish 😂

[johnkarl]

It really comes down to compatibility/attachment styles. Sadly anxiously attached individuals will tend to hang onto DAs too long as initial meetings probably find the DA in a more emotionally receptive place and once you ' fall in love' FALL is what you'll do!
Relationships are about relating, sometimes the DA may have traits of covert narcissism too which fuels a codependant trauma bond. Trying to push your needs onto a DA only makes it worse. I truly believe it's best to get out of such relationships sooner than wait till you're emotionally damaged.
Trust is paramount in a relationship and how can you have trust in anyone who wants lots of space? Best to give it to them along with lots and lots of endless time.❤