How to Identify a Covert Narcissist

Ross Rosenberg, M.Ed., LCPC, CADC, explains the best way to identify a covert narcissist.

[rebeccagutierrez]

They'll get angry or emotional and pretend cry in front of people and turn around the blame. Make you look like a horrible person.

[normastone]

One thing I've noticed is that they LOVE for you to pity them. It seems like most, if not all of the coverts have a slew of stories about how they were victimized, treated badly, etc. and practically demand your sympathy. They'll tell you these stories upon first acquaintance and dominate the conversation, steering it back to themselves until it's virtually a monologue. Their need for an audience is exhausting.

[alkebabish]

Yep, one small criticism and suddenly you are attacked, gaslight, ghosted of all the above.

[markblaze]

Very true. Best signifiers
1. They never apologize or it’s a bit real like “I’m sorry you feel they way”
2. They don’t take criticism at all
3. They want to be in control of everything and act like they deserve to be
4. They talk about themselves and not only that but never ask you anything about you or if they do it’s not genuine at all or only to get something for themselves

Those are the best starters if anyone hits those watch out they might be very dangerous. Narcisssits are extremely abusive and manipulative in ways that are not currently illegal and can wreck you. Usually they harm family and friends so be really careful. The best course of action is to get as far away as you can from them asap.

[jamiecaldwell]

Rage. Pure rage if you say anything remotely critical.

[ratedg]

These types of people are absolutely THE WORST. If you uncover one, PLEASE run away and NEVER let them in your life. They WILL try to destroy you, and with a SMILE on their face as they do it.

[mabelheinzle]

In my experience- they don’t want to understand and cannot see your point of view or pain

[tanyabyfaith]

So True! Just went through this recently..a guy that I just met was constantly future faking love bombing and making nonstop sexually comments- so One day I casually asked him his definition of love he immediately got defensive refused to answer and ended the call… he stopped contacting me after that. And I’m so grateful! 😂

[imnotdoriannakamoto]

Yes! This is how my relationship began to crumble…then became violent.

[lakeashacolemon]

This is so true. After coming out of a 3 year long relationship with a covert narcissist and going through therapy, I decided to start dating again. I was able to use this same technique after going on one date with a man and after I told him my opinion about something he was doing wrong, he got defensive, started posting subliminal messages about me on fb and when I confronted him about the messages he started calling me names and telling me I broke his heart after 1 date. I immediately blocked him

[jacquelinefroehle]

If you are around them, and don't treat them as if they ARE BETTER than you are....this angers them badly. Now you have no idea what they think or what they will do....suddenly they are angry and decide you must be punished.

[KrishnaWearsPrana-ztbh]

True. They won't take accountability for the sake of bettering the relationship. They would rather leave the relationship before ever saying sorry or saying that they did wrong. It's fucked up.

[mariapyrc]

Even if you leave they don't let go of you because they have already picked you as a soft target for their evil.

[sk.n.]

After years of dealing & trying to avoid narcissist, this is right on point, give them any negative feedback & you see their true self, even if it's fleeting.

[NalaMahal]

Oooh yes! My former lover, who is now a general surgeon, thought his stethoscope was broken during med school. I told him that it needed to be recalibrated. I then demonstrated that it wasn’t broken. Rather than saying _thank you_ or _oh okay, _ he tried to insult me by saying “…well I’m not going to need to know how to do that, that’ll be your job.” I was studying to be a nurse but changed majors after that interaction.

[BL-rbjm]

They can never admit that they do anything wrong. It's like they have to admit to doing wrong. And when you point it out to them anger sets in. How dare you say that about me!!

[Roger-tvsf]

He's not lying it's all in the eyes

[amandlakhumalo]

Another way is to tell them “no”. Especially after they’ve just done something nice for you. If a person seems too good to be true try it. Narcissists don’t believe in boundaries and therefore will take your “no” personally. They don’t care enough to wonder about the reasons that could have led you to say no and that if you don’t want to, you have a right to say no without explaining yourself

[SACULV]

Yep!
Coverts do not care if you or people call them out on their BS. They do not care who they psychologically or physically hurt.

[marymitchell]

I seen exactly what you are saying every/any time he was told he has a problem. It was always projected back on me.
Needless to say, the conversations never went anywhere.