Spotting the Signs of a Covert Narcissist - Learn how to recognize the clues of a covert narcissist

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Do you know a covert narcissist? Learn about the condition and how to manage it.

This video is going to explore the covert narcissist and examines their self-concept, interpersonal, social, and ethical views and behaviors. I will discuss management techniques to better control relationships and lessen the hurt these individuals tend to cause.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

Citation: Wink, P. (1991). Two faces of narcissism. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 61(4), 590-597.

[realitycheck]

They mimic normal behavior to everyone except their targeted supply person. To the untrained eye they seem normal.

[nathaliedufour]

The coverts i've had to deal with weren't shy, they were quiet.

[marinaobbiettivo]

Being in this kind of relationship has nearly killed me literary, the toxicity of it has had me in fight or flights sympathetic arousal for over 3 decades.
The neglect, withholding, invalidation, devaluing, the distortion of reality, the lies, dear God, the lies to fit his version of reality, ( gaslighting) the silent treatment, the deception, the mind reading, the power and control through passive aggressive methods, the rigidity, the total inflexibility, the abysmal deficiency of empathy and compassion, the eternal self referencing, the perpetual deflection, the lack of communication, the lack of reciprocity, , the lack of accountability, the blame shifting, the projection., stonewalling, oh, oh, the pain, the torture, the crazy making behaviour. Death at times seems preferable to the complete disconnection and detachment these people have for their intimate partners.

Oh, the insufferable inhumanity of being with these people.

The suffering is profound.

[vampireslayer]

Passive aggressive behavior is very toxic. Never underestimate or dismiss it.

[doreenplischke]

Covert is in my experience becoming very overt when extremely injured or provoked/challenged. Especially by the truth.

[catherinecuff]

My greatest help in living with a covert narcissist was practicing self love. I loved myself right out of the relationship. Boundaries grew out of that, as well. As I no longer treated myself poorly, I certainly would not allow anyone else to.

[heidiroberts]

One of the ways I've learned to protect myself while talking with the covert narcissist in my life is to control what and how much I say to him. He used to thrive on getting me to spill my emotions, hurts, joys, etc. but he would never, ever tell me his (I now know it's because he doesn't have any of his own and lives off of others) but he would also use me against me. It is so freeing to keep me to myself - I do not need to give "me" away to anyone. Thank You for this video - my kids and I found it very helpful.

[knowthyself]

It really helps me when i look at them as children acting out in adults bodies. The backhand compliments really don't sting then

[ddjjb]

we are in no contact. The best choice ever. The covert has no remorse. they have no empathy.

[soja]

my mother is a covert narcissist, i’ve only recently realised this during one of my therapy sessions. now, after years of being gaslighted, manipulated and parentified, it is so hard for me to accept that MY feelings are important. that i have to look after MYSELF over anybody else.
my mom fits the description of a covert narcissist 100% and my dad just feeds into the delusional self-pitying image she has of herself. he always told me to be nice to her, that i should know what she’s been through and thus look after her and when she yells at me, not to yell back and consider how SHE’s feeling. It was always just mom mom mom; my feelings weren’t valid.
i am still living with them, so i still struggle with this everyday. i really hope i can get out of this toxic environment soon, it is hard to stay sane.

[ahamoment]

I also would like to mention the Martyr syndrome. I deal with a covert narcissist daily and I have finally Found that this is a strong feature of their behavior

[johnbergamini]

I ended a relationship with a covert narcissist recently, when a striking failure of empathy alerted me to the lie. Excellent scientific and clinical knowledge. Thank you.

[Raven]

I am sorry, but the only way that you can heal is to leave the situation, whether this is a partner,   friend, co- worker, parent... you cannot change them. You will become ill if you stay....

[pinkblossomsky]

So on point. And so, so, sooo difficult when they're family and will never recognize their problem, so you're just left with "protecting yourself" and walking away.

[yamlwoz]

Great insight. I love the gentle way you speak. After dealing with abusive people my whole life I find that so restful, comforting and healing.

[suddenlyhope]

My husband is a covert narcissist and I have learned to be quiet and grey rock when he starts in on me. There is really no way to extract myself as he won’t stop and if I walk away, he says to the kids “oh look! She’s walking away because she doesn’t have any facts to back up her side” or he will follow me into my bedroom and continue the conversation until he can get me to see things his way. 23 yrs of being worthless and trying to pour myself into someone who can’t receive my love. I am not a victim any more. I am a strong woman who is seeking a divorce. I almost forget who I am anymore. Or what I think or like. If I had a difference of opinion, I was the enemy. My children are showing signs of becoming just like him. That breaks my heart. My precious babies are now 23, 17 &12. They treat me with the same disrespect and contempt as he does, and he laughs and encourages it.

[karennaturallyartby]

I know a covert narcissist. Dealing with him is exhausting. When his subtle tactics don't work, he begins withholding and withdrawing. When that doesn't get the reaction he seeks, he then becomes passive aggressive, acting like he's very upset about something. When the bait is taken, oh hey you look upset, what's on your mind - all hell breaks loose. Other times I'm held responsible for entertainment, maybe Saturday night, we got no real plans, just sitting around watching netflix. He will become agitated. The more iignore, the more he ramps up, doors closing hard, mumbling. Something on your mind? Narc response: here we are doing nothing! I never get to have any fun! Just keep staring at the tv! [Door slam]
Doesn't matter how delicately i engage, it's always the same. It's my job to make sure he's having fun. The more beer he drinks, the more overt he becomes in his behavior. The next day it's like nothing ever happened, and if i try to bring it up, then he acts injured.

[starlingswallow]

They watch from their throne, quietly. Judge quietly for the most part. They covertly insult you and try to remind you that you're nothing. Their backhanded compliments can somewhat be written off as a joke, a joke that's not funny to anyone but them.

[charmainedoherty]

Hi Marina - I have been with my covert narcissist husband 31 years and I love how you articulate the abuse. A friend asked me why I didn't see the abuse before! But it's so subtle. What he did was mainly withold, affection, communication, intimacy, eye contact is a big one - and of course everyone loves him. It's so unfair, but I am working on getting away but it ain't easy.

Love to us all. C x

[danielmckee]

Wife narcissist has made amazing progress after 3 years of therapy! The first year was so hard. She was very resistant. But me and her therapist both talk to her her into staying and being honest. After a year progress really started . She is so much more empathetic and caring . Less self centered.
I did however give her an ultimatum… I said in sickness and in health and I meant mentally healthy too.
I said I would stay if she got help. It took a long time but it has been so worth it and I am so glad I did not give up on her. First step was creating boundaries and not letting them fluctuate. I’m only writing this that it may give someone Some hope for somebody they love or for a narcissist having some clarity. You can overcome this but it takes honesty and hard work.