How To Identify A Covert Malignant Narcissist

Malignant narcissists who are also covert can be especially difficult in relationships since they are expert at hiding their real motives. Dr. Les Carter offers 10 ways to identify a covert malignant narcissists. Knowledge is power, so as you know what to watch for, you can be positioned to make necessary self-preserving adjustments.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Twitter: Surviving Narcissism @SNarcissism101
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[HeeersEllery]

Sometimes even when you agree with them, they still approach the topic in a combative manner.

[michelepascoe]

1. They do not want to be known. No vulnerability
2. Profoundly intolerant and contemptuous of different beliefs
3. Zero give and take in discussion - strong rigidity
4. No regard whatsoever for your needs or feelings - no interest in you except for data to use against you
5. Anger is managed with passivity - stonewalling, mean silent treatment, harsh passive-aggressive, no co-operation
6. Openly aggressive; anger is cruel - words of hatred, condescension and contempt (to your face or behind your back so you find out through someone else's contempt)
7. Collect people whom they deem to be weaker - flying monkeys, "yes" people
8. Truth is expedient - secretive, lying, changing stories, you never get the whole story
9. No conception of love - may want sex, adoration/admiration, conformity, submission, compliance. Their "love" is conditional
10. Their hardened feelings deepen over time - commitment to dominance
They are unimpressed with all your efforts to connect heart to heart
They've lost any appreciation for your humanity.

[AlwaysStampinVideos]

-they’re best friend to everyone (except you)

-they always have a “good reason” for everything they do (and it usually sounds like a very convincingly “good” reason even though it’s really just a lame excuse to play the victim role or avoid real accountability)

-they’re very “forgetful”
(supposedly)

-they always have something “important” to tend to (but never the important things you ask them to do)

-they walk away from you while you’re talking (while saying they’re listening as they walk away)

-they tell you you’re wrong (about everything) without saying the words “you’re wrong”

-if they start a conversation with their victim (and that’s a big IF, ) the conversation ends when the other person has anything to say (regardless of the content)

-they REALLY enjoy sex

-they’re masters of gaslighting

-they either had the worst childhood (so they’re the perpetual victim reliving they’re past) or the best childhood possible (so they AND they’re family are golden)

-they greet with agenda driven compliments (“You look amazing” only comes in close proximity to the possibility of sex, for example)

-they give fake humility compliments (“You’re so much better with your words than i am” is an example of this… which is really just a lame attempt to not have to talk to you when they should)

-unlike most narcissists, many of them go to therapy (they’re the ones snowing the therapists… it’s just an alternative avenue of finding a fix)

-they “soothingly” dismiss your problems in life by “sweetly” telling you things like “i wouldn’t let it bother me” or “i would just move on” (key word of red flag “I”)

-when asked to do something, they (might) do it but it will always come with a price of silent punishment (either the silent treatment later OR the immediate sigh of disgust right away)

-when you ask them NOT to do something, they ALWAYS find a way to do it anyway (just because you asked them not to do it)

-if they are Christian, they attend church regularly but rarely participate in faith practices behind closed doors (especially if you’re the one initiating said practices)

-they can but you can’t (fill in the blank… you can’t say the “f” word but they can say every other curse word imaginable, for example… but fill in the blank can be anything)

-they live by their habits, even if those habits are bad habits (if it’s something they’ve always done and gotten away with, they see it as “acceptable” and therefore YOU should accept it… that’s how they think)

Edited to say… in a relationship with a CMN, you feel like you’re going insane (literally) because you see things (literally) the CMN will convince you you didn’t see. And you will feel things the CMN will convince you you “shouldn’t” feel. When you are at the breaking point, the CMN is right there by your side to either agree with you about your insanity OR (or and) they are right there by your side to “help” you through it. The savior/Satan complex is deep with the CMN.

I could continue. I had the wool sweetly pulled over my eyes for thirty years. The biggest red flag is if someone seems too good to be true- they are. The second biggest red flag is if something seems “off, ” it is.

Separated 4-1/2 yrs now, i don’t share to complain or boohoo about my situation but to relate and hopefully encourage someone else to know it’s a big boat in which we journey. You’re not alone in this (even though it definitely feels like you are and even though it might “seem” like you are. Things aren’t always as they seem… hence the number one lesson learned from the covert malignant narcissist in my life.) You can move forward. It might not look like what you thought or hoped it would. But you can do it!

[Nancy-ywrr]

When you finally accept that they are impenetrable and uninterested in people beyond what usefulness they can derive from them, there really is nothing left to say. They are beyond redemption and trying to help them restore their humanity is not only a waste of time, it will seriously damage anyone who tries.

[browniesbyte]

"The covert malignant narcissist is a human in name only" is such a perfect description.

[myutube]

As I always say, malignant narcissists HAVE to be covert, otherwise their game is up before it even begins.

[notthatvashti]

"A human in name only, they have lost all their humanity." This is an excellent quote! It is nothing but truth! They possess no genuine care for anyone, or anything except themselves. If you are not supply, you are not worthy of discussion! Thank you, Dr. C!

[antoinette]

I married a covert malignant narcissist who pretended to be the most gentle, loving, supportive guy prior to the marriage. Our son who is now an adult (41 years old) is a carbon copy of his abusive father and he was diagnosed as a covert malignant narcissist by a military psychologist in 2012. I divorced the father and yet I was abused by our son for 30 years until one year ago when he discarded me like he has done many times prior and this last time I decided to honor the no contact that he initiated and I walked away. I am very slowly recovering from the decades of abuse at the hands of my covert malignant narcissist son. You video is spot on Dr. C. Thank you.

[sandys]

One very important point you made was the fact that this escalates over time. Most of us come in and continue to believe we can change it or that it will somehow get better. This is an emotionally fatal mistake. Instead, we MUST see the ebbs and flows of abuse for what they truly are, just an escalating cycle.

[edgreen]

Have to hide who they are because they are always on guard of being found out. So not gonna be a deep mutually reciprocal relationship as a friend, spouse, parent ect. .

[izawaniek]

I want to be a person of dignity, respect, civility and I want to live in peace and bring peace to other people’s lives. Thank you dr Carter.

[vickielewallen]

Has your narc ever taken your ideas or statements, and used them as if they were their own ideas? My narc (a sibling) does that, she's even quoted me *to me.* Someone (Andrew) on another channel said "they see the light in you and they want it, want to steal it." I think he's right. Narcs don't necessarily hate their empath, they actually love/want something we have. But they don't want to share it together, they want to make it *their own.* I think they're trying to "absorb" us, if thats the word. Maybe thats part of "owning" us, rather than simply sharing a life together as two separate individuals.

[rudyy]

This man understanding of NPD is truly the best and the way he explains it makes it easy.
Thank you for everything you do!

[shelley]

You hit this one out of the park, Dr. C. They are sneaky bastards that will steamroll their family members and anyone else who gets in their way to get what they want. They truly are soulless.

[MommyDawn]

“A human in name only”. Wow! This really nails it. My husband decided he needed to go to work the morning day of my father’s funeral. Not only had my dad passed away, it was a very traumatic circumstance (suicide) that left us all reeling. My husband owned his own business snd was in total control of his schedule. Yet, He felt he “needed to make the money” and that I was strong enough to take care of myself. Very cruel, without an ounce of empathy. This incident barely scratches the surface of the list of unbelievable behaviors I have experience in our marriage! 😢😢

[kirabarsmith]

It's important for us empaths to see the world as it is, thank you for empowering us, Dr. Carter.

[terriwalker]

The cruelty and callousness is breath-taking. When you wake up and gain a clear view it’s astounding. Their actions take place in front of others who don’t see behind the mask. As a Child with such a parent, reality is only a concept. As you grow up you are convinced to believe the problems are your fault.

[nancyk]

Once I began to hear, listen and learn what a narcissistic personality was all about my life began to make so much sense. That's the good part. The bad part is that these horrid people are everywhere. Bosses, people you thought were friends, teachers, personal relationships, The good news is, not everyone is a narcissist. Treasure them, let them know they're appreciated just for being who they are.

[fifilafleur]

“I’ll squash you like a bug if I have to!” LOL! That’s them, Dr. C!

[KoyomiMojo]

This sounds like my mom and subsequent significant "love" interest later on. It's crazy when you realize that they just don't care.