A Covert Narcissist's Gaslighting Strategy

Covert narcissism and chronic gaslighting go hand in hand. Dr. Les Carter describes how a covert narcissist has the goal of maintaining control by causing you to doubt the legitimacy of your own initiatives. And make no mistake, this is a planned strategy.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, TX. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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[druchampion-payne]

My mother-in-law NEVER took responsibility for her mean remarks & criticism because she always felt entitled to say whatever she wanted--didn't matter how rude or inappropriate it was. And for 35 years I put up with her criticism and never confronted her. But last March that changed and I *finally* stood up to her and told her that I'm tired of her criticism. She then acted completely surprised as if she didn't know what I was talking about and then she asked me to explain how she criticized me, as if completely 'mystified' by my statement. So I told her and that's when she gaslit me by saying ...."Oh my you're the only person in the world who would find that offensive" ....oh please, really, the "only person", eh? gosh there's obviously something wrong with *me* lol ....and then she added ...."You are just too sensitive" ...and she was laughing when she said that. So not only is she gaslighting me but she's laughing at me too. Never once apologized or even acknowledged that she was criticizing me. It was after that last conversation in March that I realized it was *time* to go no contact with her, so my husband decided to call his mother and told her not to call me anymore, to only call him. I finally have some peace. Never going back :)

[justice]

This is called benevolent abuse. Their fake kindness comes at a hefty price, they demand that you owe them for doing something you never asked for, or wanted, and then accused you of being selfish and hateful because you turned it down.

[ddean]

I was totally unprepared for the sinister levels of behavior, and am still amazed at how similar the stories are regarding these people. I initially wanted to be supportive of someone who had experienced multiple childhood traumas, and only later realized that l had played right into their little scheme. They were counting on it.

[mythologic]

Evil does not pay, but a narcissist thinks it does. All the narcissists I’ve met think evil is a tool instead of something unthinkable and wrong.

[tbunnyshy]

I took my son to a themed restaurant and we received a free brand new, boxed drinking glass. Its a big deal because we never go anywhere. We get home and my dad says, “HA! That’s probably a used glass!” Narcs NEVER let you enjoy anything. 😢

[tbunnyshy]

They are silent but deadly….like a spider waiting for the kill. It’s that bad unfortunately. It is what it is.

[unsolicitedadvice]

They're always so "Concerned" about your well being. Watch out for the word "Concern", it usually implies a desire to control you.

[TC-gxqn]

Yes, the fake persona is very real. I had one narcissist in my life pretend to be an upbeat, friendly, talkative, happy-go-lucky person for hours a day, every day, for three straight months. Found out later that their true personality was gloomy, depressed, irritable, and sulky. You are so right, Dr. C, time is our best friend when avoiding narcissists-and lots of it!

[Lightbodied]

My mother is a covert narcissist who was raised by an abusive narcissist. It took me a long time to realize this and recognize how being raised by people like this impacted me. I am so happy that you share these videos because they're life changing for some of us. I am breaking the cycle with my own children and in my personal relationships thanks to the help of people like you. Thank you

[fonkfiend]

looking at Gus napping on the couch helps lower my anxiety & blood pressure

[unsolicitedadvice]

And they almost ALWAYS discard from a victim/ martyr stance. You've done them wrong just like everyone else in their life.

[bkatyul]

Careful of those covert narcissists. it took me decades to figure out that i not only had a narcissistic parent/ but a covert narcissistic sibling as well. 
family may gang up on a member that does not toe the line and gaslighting may be rampant /tantamount to character assassination.
when a family gangs up and gaslights one family member the line may be: look, everybody thinks badly of you, so you may come to believe it and lose faith in yourself. 
LOOK ELSEWHERE. Such families are absolutely toxic.
You deserve better. You deserve to be yourself. You deserve to be appreciated.

[angelacadieux]

I finally broke free from my narsassist ex 💔. 6 years of this. He knew I loved him 💔😢. I am a co-dependent with low self-esteem. Perfect narcissistic supply. His fiance contacted me last week. He's been living a double life. Completely devastated and humiliated. I decided to pack up my family and leave this area. 💔😢😭

[rwdchannel]

The narcissist will say you're at fault for the problems in the relationship but when you mention the good things you're doing they'll say "Why is it always about you?"

[sleeperno]

I experienced this just now. I asked my wife if she’d seen my glasses and was met with silence. I repeated my question louder and my wife looked at me and said “WE told you that we haven’t seen them.” My daughter then spoke up and said “No you didn’t. He asked if you had seen his glasses and you ignored him.” If they are willing to gaslight on something innocuous, imagine what they will do on something important. The gaslighting is a habitual response to almost anything regardless of importance.

[christinestewart]

They always always ask.
Babe are you ok?
Out of the blue.
And I get it now. Questioning to see what mood I'm in as a starter conversion to get me to open up on my feelings and then questioning a question? Sick and evil 🤢

[vandolmatzis]

The more I learn about the people in my life, the more I wish I was Gus.Thank you Doc, that was really helpful.

[goldalevin]

My mother not only molested me and exposed herself to me but was a narcissist through and through. Now that she's dead, I've had time to think about and review the relationship and am not only happy that she's gone but thrilled and elated. Had I known how little I'd miss her, I would never have tried to keep having a healthy relationship with her because she wasn't capable of that. The best thing to do with them is to either gray rock or completely distance yourself from them.

[phildibello]

I have only recently extricated myself from the covert narcissist in my life. And for the first time in 5 years, I have begun to feel joy again. But, this is going to take some time to recover fully.

[janetwhitten]

I have been married to a narcissist for 22 years. I finally have my own bedroom where I spend most of my down time. It's the only way it works where I can have peace. I began learning how to take care of myself through therapy and videos like yours. I wanted a happy marriage so badly. Went to counseling for years and things never got better. One day I read the traits of a narcissist and I about fell over. My husband had just about every one of them. So much for a happy marriage. I am true to myself, and I love God. I am doing well.