The Easiest Way To Detect Covert Narcissism

Narcissism consists of several primary traits, and some narcissists are so overt in displaying them that they leave little doubt about their leanings. But, as Dr. Les Carter points out, many narcissists are quite covert in their patterns. You may not see it right away. So to assist you in determining the potential for covert narcissism, he clarifies one major pattern that is always present.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who has semi-retired to Waco, Tx. In the past 40+ years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Twitter: Surviving Narcissism @SNarcissism101
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[twentyelectronics]

Some are almost impossible to detect. If you criticize them, they don’t go into a rage outwardly, but instead plot passive aggressive forms of revenge. They can feign empathy and even pretend to be listening to you when they are actually ignoring you. They can be extremely generous and use money to control the victim. The first thing you will notice is that they don’t really seem listen when you speak. They will act tired or distracted and only perk up when the topic relates to them. Second, they don’t cheer when you win. If you have an accomplishment, they will try to minimize it and change the subject. Any qualities that makes you special or unique will be ignored. You will feel you must keep positive aspects of yourself hidden to maintain the relationship.

[angellacanfora]

It's almost like narcissists are underdeveloped, emotionally stunted, "arrested toddlers." A lot of their behavior is so childish - throwing tantrums, picking fights, bullying, etc. Interacting with them leaves me feeling like I've just dealt with an entirely different species, one that has a completely different perception of reality.

[cfcub]

Not cheering or being genuinely happy for you when you succeed is a huge sign of narcissism.

[alextomlinson]

The one GIANT thing I overlooked is:
When you are down, they are up.
When you are up, they are down.
YOUR HAPPINESS IS TRIGGERING TO THEM.

It's so subtle and unnoticeable at first because you just try and cheer them up, or stop being as happy/lively around them, because if you are they start avoiding you and giving you the cold shoulder. Before you know it, you're taking on their misery and they all of a sudden are happy as Larry.
They feel entitled to be happy so if you are happy they will ENVY you for it and covertly bring you down to get a boost

[shemaisrael]

Anyone else feel like there’s an over abundance of people with these traits? Sure makes me want to continue on in my own healing journey and set healthy boundaries. Seriously, I’m praying for people who find themselves here, listening to these key pieces of insightful information. 💝

[AJRich-pwzm]

It's always someone else's fault. Pass the blame. No accountability. This is their game.

[wisconsinfarmer]

One big hint for your detection radar: They don't share meaningful experiences, unless it is how they have been victimized or beat someone.

[megramos]

I can't afford a therapist. You're doing God's work for my mind and soul. Coming from a mama of 4.

[douaa]

There is a hidden agenda behind their sympathetic seeking facade. Self-serving is their only goal

[lorinotarius]

Can you imagine how lonely it is being one of these creatures? They have to lie to and to keep secrets from even their closest friends, a spouse, children, everyone, in order to feel powerful and that they 'won'. That means they are not truly connected to anyone, ever. What a horrible, unbearable existence. No wonder they're the most miserable people on earth.

[chelseaj]

End the ASAP. You can’t fix them because they don’t want to be fixed. Only hurt and turmoil is guaranteed. Covert narcs are the absolute worst.

[seajayart]

Narcissists don't do nice things for people altruistically, they do it for the adoration they need for themselves. Altruism requires no such adoration.

[Stolat]

People tell you who they are, believe them the first time. Trust your gut.

[krisztina]

Just say NO to them and express your own opinion and you will immediately know... They can't leave it at that. Their rage is just one thing but they show you the whole arsenal: rediscussing your boundaries, trying to convince you, making you feel guilty, scapegoating, punishing, etc.
And then you know that! There's no doubt!
'NO' is a complete sentence, even if it's a short one and my boundaries are non-negotiable. That's the lesson I've learnt.

[annebodee]

You have described my husband (of 40 years) to a "T." Everyone thinks he's such a wonderful guy. A strong Christian. A family man. Meanwhile I spent decades so confused because he talks the talk, but with me he absolutely didn't walk the walk. We have 4 children and I often felt like I was raising them alone because he was never around. Off doing the things he enjoyed doing while I was a stay at home mom trying to keep my head above water. I read all the books about how to be a good Christian wife, but it didn't matter because nothing I ever did was good enough for him. Just when I'd think maybe we'd made some headway in our relationship, he'd move the goal posts. After 25 years of being abused emotionally and mentally I withdrew and then he really doubled down and even slandered me to my kids and some friends. There's a lot more I could say, but bottom line is now I do me. I like myself and I will never, ever, again change for him. Not even one tiny bit. Of course it's driving him crazy, and being married to him is a nightmare sometimes, but I focus on my kids and grandkids and a few close friends. I truly didn't understand covert narcissism when I met and married him, but I do now.

[jamesmcallister]

When a narcissist is not getting their own way you will see their true colours, lies, manipulation, anger, quarrels, the list is endless.

[ThePancakeJedi]

When you say no and they go into rage, shaming and blaming. When they reveal themselves to be judgemental and controlling. I trust my gut and run.

[Tassie]

Also: they are always the victim. I found this shocking to watch. They never take responsability. Someone (or somewhat) else always did it. Is this your experience too?

[renko]

Another trait I’ve recognized in narcissists is that when they get angry with you, it’s a different kind of anger than you might have seen before. It’s like a curtain drops over their eyes. Their eyes become cloudy, and there is a rage that almost causes their skin to bubble. That only needs to happen once or twice before your palms begin to sweat whenever they call or come over. Because you never know what will set it off.

Alot of these videos talk about narcissistic partners, but there are narcissistic adult children, narcissistic stepchildren, narcissistic in-laws—people that you can’t just walk away from. To me that’s the real difficulty. Having a narcissist in your life that you can’t just dump.

[Lisah]

“No” is a complete sentence. I learned that one recently. I started to immediately reject anyone I was dating that wasn’t kind. And I practiced rejecting anything that wasn’t loving. After a short time, a true sweet man walked into my life. Ladies, if you have a propensity of attracting a narcissist or addict, go ahead and trying being a little selfish. Just try it. For us over-givers what feels selfish to us is really (probably) just strong boundaries.