9 Very Subtle Signs Of Covert Narcissism

Not all narcissists are loud and brash. Dr. Carter explains how control tendencies can be revealed by all sorts of behaviors, then he identifies 9 subtle indicators of covert narcissism. If you have one or two of these signs, that can be normal, but as you notice many of them, it can indicate a form of control with the least vulnerability. And that is the essence of covert narcissism.

Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[jcnlaw]

Well-known divorce attorney here. The ability to recognize and avoid getting into a relationship with a narcissist will save you a trip to my office (and likely a therapist’s office). Get educated. Be informed. Vet a potential partner very carefully.

[kimlarsson]

They brag about their niceness and good morals. And at the same time, they are totally unaware of their dark feelings. They are scary and dangerous. They are incapable of being introspective.

[girlygal]

They talk negatively about their closest friends behind their backs.

[lisbethbird]

#10 when you anticipate interactions with them, you begin to feel anxious and/or a subtle sense of dread. It is immediate, and you may not even understand the cause. After interactions, you are drained and down. You're relieved it's over and you may feel kind of dirty or used.

[steps]

Guilt trips, blame, half truths, twisted words, answering your questions with questions, fits of unexpected rage when it comes to your feelings...they’ll suck the life right outta you, blame YOU for it and you’ll still seem like the insane one.

[A_n_y_t_i_m_e]

1. Entitlement
2. Exploitativeness
3. Insecurity
4. Emotional reactivity
5. Self doubt
Just run, run like hell.

[sheilajac]

Here are mine:

1) don't listen/interrupt you and/or walk away while you're in mid-sentence.
2) gossips
3) shames & guilt trips + constant disapproval and complaining
4) passive aggressive - backhanded compliments or backhanded sympathy - backstabbing
5) SHALLOW
6) only cries if being held accountable/called out - never out of genuine compassion or empathy
7) STINGY with everything - money, genuine compliments, kindness, affection
8) MANIPULATIVE even when honesty and assertiveness would work just fine
9) CRITICAL - of everyone but themselves and negative/ungrateful - never happy

[birthesdatter]

There is plausible deniability, so you can't find evidence that it's done to hurt you:
1) Silent treatment
2) No eye contact
3) Withholds praise, attention, love and sex
4) Talks to everybody else but ignores you
5) Super kind to everybody else outside the home but ice cold toward you at home
6) Never interested to hear what you have to say
7) Calls you addicted to drama and pretends to be the victim when you want to solve a situation between you
8) Stares at other women/men but accuses you of being jealous or downright deny it when you point it out
9) "Forgets" to hold the self closing door for you, so that it slams right in your face

[andrearush]

This information makes me want to be a better person. Thick patterns of narcissism run through my family. No doubt even though I'm definitely the odd man out, I recognise elements of them rubbed off on me. Ewww. Going to work on that! I get to decide who I want to be, and it's not that! Thank you.

[MrHappyNappy]

Narcissist epidemic at the times we're living in. Full of insecure, jealous and envious people in the world, it's crazy!

[hopinandbeliefin]

“They overlook you.” That is a great statement. Once I notice someone who starts designing a friendship or relationship with me without ever inquiring on my perspective or personal philosophy I know I’m in a bad spot. Someone having a sweeping assumption about me without asking many questions is a serious red flag.

[howiedunbar]

When you tell them a sad, funny, crazy or astonishing story and you get NO reaction. Not a wow, omigod, really, you're kidding, that's nuts, or even a simple laugh at the appropriate places in the story.

[piapadmore]

My ex would do things like: text me “I’m not ignoring you, I’m at Home Depot.” Me receiving a text, scratching my head, because I am perfectly content; and, no feelings at all of being ignored. I text back something like, “no worries”...but wonder why he is a Home Depot. I text again, asking why is he there, and he responds he is working on a project. Two hours of back and forth and a zillion questions, I finally find out he is at Home Depot buying lumber to make benches for his farm table. Now, a standard person would say that from the get go; but the covert narcissist, intentionally dribbles out unsatisfactory answers, trapping me into asking more questions, which makes me appear needy, and obsessive. Trapping me into a dialogue I didn’t seek, want or need. To make it worse, one last text from me, asking how he got all of that lumber in his car. His answer is: he and “his friend” used his friend’s SUV. Again, setting me up...what friend? Like, who doesn’t just say: “Going to Home Depot with Bill...” So, not only do I get accused of being jealous; but, because the ex was talk texting, “Bill” listens to a one sided conversation, draws conclusion that I’m needy and smothering, and my ex narc setting me up to look bad all along. What is that called other than lying? Manipulation? Gaslighting? Does anyone know? Has anyone experienced this from a covert narc?

[nomathembadzinotyiwei]

1. Humble-bragging Make themselves seem important without being boastful
2. Over-virtuous - lots of advice, overlook your feelings, no empathy
3. friendly with little real follow-through. When they leave you never hear from them again
4. Eager to hear about your problems but won’t talk about theirs, collect data to feel superior
5. They’re unable to engage deeply with people that are different from them, control mentality,
6. No Curiosity about others’ beliefs, hidden judgement
7. Time management of their own nature, procrastinate or are late everywhere, lack of coordination with others
8. Constantly wondering how they come across with others, have to have extra pats on the back
9. They don’t want to receive feedback from you even if it’s valid.

I recognize this behaviour, thank you.

[Miss_Wonderful]

1) Treat you as if you were the person they'd been waiting for since they were born 2) Propose after a month or so. Once you're in their net 3)Never stand up for you 4)Make hurtful jokes 5)Belittle you 6)Barge in a conversation when it's not about them 7)Give the silent treatment 8)Lie about everything 9)Never take accountability, not even when they're caught red-handed.

[wendiewise]

My ex liked to praise me and the kids to other people but invalidated our accomplishments in private

[tomobedlam]

One year with my Covert Narcissist/Dismissive Avoidant:
MONTH one : Great
MONTH two : Greater
MONTH three : Fabulous (heavy love bombing starts/mirroring.)
MONTH four : Heaven (I love you.)
MONTH five : Seventh heaven.
MONTH six : Mask starts to come off (devaluing starts.) Love bombing abruptly stopped.
MONTH seven : full devalue/dismissive behavior, refusal to talk about issues by ignoring, silent treatment, she would just look away and it seemed I magically disappeared, aloofness, very strange behavior that you would not believe until it happens to you. It's like they want you in the same house, but in different rooms.
MONTH eight : discard phase begins, distancing/lying begins (tons of gaslighting also), begins sabotaging relationship by no longer putting in ANY effort. One sided relationships are not fun at all, so yes, you can be in a relationship and still feel lonely.
MONTH nine : VERY passive/aggressive in nature, not a care in the world, lying clearly shows.
MONTH ten : Doesn't even call anymore.
MONTH eleven : Everything is my fault.
MONTH twelve : I left her for good, NO contact at all, PERIOD. She did want to remain friends on social media. I blocked her.
MONTH thirteen : I sought therapy and learned words about the Covert Narcissist I never even knew before.
MONTH fourteen :
Her; closure letter mailed to me, but, she'd like me to respond (Hoovering)
Me; NO contact. I'm done with the mind games.

Can anybody else relate to this mind boggling behavior?

[myutube]

They also put themselves down hoping you will contradict them - a subtle "humble" way of fishing for compliments - false humility.

[meera]

From my perspective...
1. They always want to be seen as the victim/ martyr/ hero. They'll be full of stories to impress this image on whomsoever will listen.
2. They always need rescuing, create problems which need solving, create tension, drama and chaos over everything
3. They pretend to be humble and benevolent
4. They manipulate people using the other's sense of sympathy and pity, criticism and intimidation
5. They're highly passive aggressive
6. They're subtly sabotaging
7. They have short tempers and can get overtly aggressive and even violent if their covert operations aren't working
8. They coerce and control by disapproval, disappointment, discouragement, devaluation
9. They do what they can to prevent their children from picking up life skills
10. They're never happy with anything their scapegoats/ victims do.
11. They can find the bad in the good. Even if they won the lottery they could find reasons why that is a terrible thing. Nothing will ever be good enough.
12. They will do subtle things to show disrespect, like spoiling posed for photographs (important to the victims) by making faces etc.
13. They will always lament about the perceived bad stuff in their lives, and never be grateful or show true happiness for anything good.
14. If you buy a new appliance or change something around the house they will mentally say "challenge accepted", to destroy/ undo that and other items and changes over time and sometimes quite directly.
15. They'll constantly withdraw support for family/ couple activities, won't support the victims in their endeavours, never compliment, never praise, praise only if in order to triangulate and put down a 3rd party.
16. They put their toxic guilt and shame onto the victims.
17. Very scheming and deceptive. Always looking for their benefit.
18. Always make excuses as to why they can't listen to you or resolve something.
19. Always have illogical justifications for their actions.
20. Are very hypocritical.
Of course some of these overlap with overt narcs.

[cannedangel]

Blame shifting, zero empathy, and yes! Collecting data to feel superior