ANXIOUS TO SECURE ATTACHMENT: HOW TO 'HEAL' ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT

*FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!**

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents (due to state licensing and insurance requirements for myself) for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

[oz]

The trick is to find someone who brings out your secure attachment style. Love yourself as you wanted someone to love you 💕

[VideoMagician]

1. Healing is a life long process. You can get better, but you can never overcome your anxious attachment style.
2. Develop mutuality and reciprocity when it comes to having your own needs, pains, and desires addressed in a relationship.
3. You learned to put your focus on other people's needs first, and you internalized the belief that any negative emotion on their part is your fault. You need to challenge these internalized beliefs and look for evidence every time they pop up in your head.
4. Learn to tolerate distressing emotions. Understand that it takes time to know what other people are feeling, and fight the urge to cling on to somebody as a way to offload the distressing emotions.
5. Identify and Honor Protest Behaviors - These behaviors stem from unmet needs in childhood. You are trying to create stability and security, and you lash out in certain ways in order to get that security (how you lash out varies from individual to individual) - Be very clear and precise with what you want, what you need, and learn to set boundaries.
6. Identify the people who are emotionally disengaged, are avoidant, and aren't willing to work on their attachment style. Avoidant people are the most triggering type of people to anxious people. - Learn to reward people who show up consistently for you.
7. Honoring the value of what a beautiful caretaker you are. Identify the parts that you want to keep, and learn which parts don't serve you.

[fringbabyross]

I’m an anxious preoccupied attached male and was seeing a fearful avoidant attached female. Closed the door forever. That shit lit me up like a Christmas tree and scrambled my brain. Now I’m doing attachment, trauma, grief, and DBT therapy. This stuff is very real. That broke my heart…devastating

[doublelayerofcheckout]

I am currently in this healing stage right now. Relearning who I am and what my motivations are. I lose myself whenever I am in a relationship and I realized that I try to control my partner to make me feel secure instead of making myself more accountable and not rely on other people for security and assurance. It's hard though but it's necessary.

[dailyinspiration]

I used to be anxiously attached but my attachment style is now secure, so it can definitely be done.

[whitebirchtarot]

The sad thing about being wired to put other people first and be a good caregiver is that when you finally do find someone who truly cares about you and wants to give to you, you can’t accept it. I’m speaking for myself, obviously, but I bet I’m not the only one. In order to accept someone else’s love, you have to feel worthy and you also have to allow yourself to feel your own needs. Mine were so stuffed down that I didn’t even realize I had them and when they came to the surface they scared me to death and I couldn’t handle them. So yeah, I can see where healing is going to take a long time and be one step at a time. Definitely a process, not just a turnaround. Thank you for this.

[chrissymullins]

An avoidant attachment style brought me here. I learned the hard way and now I am absolutely determined to achieve a secure attachment style.

[bangsi-hyukhitmanbang]

it's so weird how i was an avoidant throughout my teenage years to early 20's. like it was to the point the ppl im with left me because i was "too chill" in the relationship. and then boom, i suddenly have an anxious attachment style to my current bf. and it's so weird how i became like this, the fact i became like this because my bf is the one who's "too chill" now. it's just so weird...

[BecomeConsciousNow]

I appreciate the honesty Kim! I recently set a boundary with my brother. I tried talking to him about his behaviour and I did it in a very thoughtful and gentle way but he didn't want to talk about it. I had to cut ties with him because it would be too painful for me to go on pretending that everything was fine between us when it wasn't. It was a really scary and brave thing for me to do and I don't know if I did it right, but it 100% had to be addressed. It's so difficult to go from having no boundaries to putting up boundaries because we are so used to being walked over and dismissed and not valued. Hopefully everything will resolve itself because I believe I did what is best for me, for once!

[saydaatdre]

Im 31 and did not know this about myself until lot of these qualities that define anxious attachment i have them and i never addressed my childhood and how that has effected me today. I struggle with almost all of these and find myself overwhelmed and hyper focused on everything and it then effects my mood because i feel like i dont matter to anyone....i have a lot of work to do.

[michaellamont]

You can 💯 % go from anxious to secure attachment and it only took me thirty years! Oh I guess I just proved your point!😂All you need is a good psychologist ✅ Somatic Experiencing ✅Healthy boundaries ✅assertiveness training✅limb the friendship tree✅And go easy on yourself because it does take a lifetime to undo dysfunctional programming and heal from trauma. Your content is brilliant. Keep up the good work.Take care

[JB-mhxy]

I like how avoidants get whatever they want in this day and age, and everyone else has to cater to them. This is all because of this push by neospiritualism and psychology of "Internal validation is the only thing that matters, and external validation be damned. I love myself, and that's all that matters." Bit of a selfish mindset. It doesn't teach how to give to others, only to receive from them. That's really the best part.

[GNS_Waffles]

Going through alot... and finding new friendships and other relationships and starting to get into a cycle of dependence again.. its annoying that my emotions depend on others, im working on it. ❤

[tantaloon]

Literally welled up when you talked about the 7 points 😢 theyre all me and I'm here because I acknowledge it and want to be better. I am loving and observant all of those positive things but I am dialed up.. too much. I'm in a relationship with a super lovely secure person who occasionally needs space. It's a small trigger for me but I am learning to accept that. I have had a few hiccups, my anxious mind has caused a few snags in our relationship, I do over think but she has showed up for me and has been resilient.. to me it is so incredibly heartwarming.. im aware of what I do.. the protests, the acting out. God I hate that I do that.. feels like self sabotage. I am so focused on changing my thought processes and this was really helpful. Thank you.

[mimi-iyjv]

wowww so what we are longing for is consistency….

[antiangel]

I knew i had problems with people pleasing but the term compulsive caretaker really hits home with me.. These descriptions fit me to a T and I'm so grateful to actually understand the harm behind my behaviors.

[KKAkuoku]

So what you’re saying is, while you can retrain yourself to eventually become emotionally secure, you can still be susceptible to being re-traumatized but you now have the tools to soothe, no?

[felix_stowe]

Thank you. You speak directly to my insecure heart with your words. I've been getting so frustrated watching videos which just knock the behaviours of insecure attachment Vs secure and don't help insecure to heal.

[vanessacarlos]

I am an anxious attached female married to an avoidant attached male... Our marriage is going really bad, I now think because of our attachment styles and the extremely stressful life circumstances we have been dealing with for the past 2 years. We have a 2 year old and I don't want to get a divorce as it will also be very destabilizing for our son. I do want to try to become more secure so I can also provide my child with a healthy environment. From what you have said Kim I have the feeling nothing can be done to save our marriage... We have tried couples counsel for 3 months (5 sessions) and our therapist said she could not help us unless we break from the toxic behavioral patterns we have, specially on how we communicate with each other. At the moment (and since months) my husband has just shut down completely emotionally... this breaks me inside... The therapist said if we want to continue with her, she is open to it, but my husband has to be the one setting the appointment and making the commitment to really do the work needed. Is there any other solution besides divorce? Is my marriage really doomed?

[egosumsydney]

This is so true. Healing is a continuous process...