How to Heal Your Attachment Wounds | Being Well Podcast, Dr. Diane Poole Heller

Dr. @RickHanson and I focus on two of our most important subjects, attachment wounds and traumatic experiences, with a longtime therapist, trainer of therapists, and world-class expert on attachment theory: Dr. Diane Poole Heller.

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Key Topics:
0:00 Introduction
2:30 What is attachment, and why should we care?
4:45 Secure attachment.
7:50 Avoidant attachment.
12:30 The potential for movement toward secure attachment.
16:00 Ambivalent (or anxious) attachment.
20:45 Disorganized attachment.
24:15 Somatic approaches to attachment wounds.
29:50 Allowing the body to move out of threat.
34:10 Secure attachment skills.
38:55 Repatterning ourselves.
47:20 Becoming more secure in connection.
50:30 Three questions to help calm relational activation.
55:45 A message to your younger self.
56:45 Recap

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[baiyi]

I just stumbled on this randomly. After watching the whole episode, I feel so deeply moved that I have to leave a comment to express my gratitude and say a big thank you to you the host, your dad and Dr. Diane Poole Heller.

[LorraineVirginie]

Hearing her talk about the full body hugs made me tear up. I’ve never had a relationship with anyone but my grandma (who passed three years ago) where I could hug them like that and know that it wouldn’t make them uncomfortable.

[Alphacentauri]

Please consider Dr Gabor Mate's trauma definition.
To not have emotional needs met is trauma too.
For example, if a patient needed a blood transfusion, pain meds, a treatment of some sort...while not giving them what they need, wouldn't be directly "harming" them, our inaction is harmful.
Emotional neglect is often experienced as trauma (as per Dr Gabor Mate's work). Please consider this, expand your narrative of "trauma".

[aragoncez]

I'm sitting now, watching the moon, the sky and the clouds, simply listening to this. Just feeling my heart pour tears. Thank you 💟

[Bassynater]

This was a gorgeous video encapsulating so many things I could improve for myself and for my partner to give us a better life.
Thank you❤

[coppersense]

Avoidant here, and HSP. I think it's worth noting that it's not only how we're treated but how we perceive or receive our treatment that highly impacts us. For example my extroverted sister naturally let things roll off her back that were traumatic to me. Not to blame me but just to get myself out of the habit of saying I was a victim of my parents' neglect. Sadly it's so often others' mistreatment that they're not even aware of that's going to really stick with us right? They might be oblivious to their devastating one-off comment, so what do we do with that? It isn't my "fault" for being too sensitive, and I'm not going to sit around waiting for a former child bully or adult teacher to come through and apologize or restore was lost; that's impossible anyway. It's more just that my style of personality interacted differently with their style of parenting, or their own wounds that we understand to be hurting people, hurting people. At that point I shift away from blame in order to deal with facts. And yes factually, objectively there was abuse and neglect. But also I have control over my stories that I tell based on my highly intuitive, introverted interactions with the world. It"s very liberating and empowering, as others who have explored the Victim versus Overcomer mentality have noted.
What is actually particularly painful and difficult here is these experiences are not filtered through adult awareness, as some parents seem to forget, but rather during those crucial, malleable formative years. Children don't come with stories or the tools to manage those types of trauma. They're just downloading bad software.
Thank God reboot is possible, or factory reset, whatever it would be called with that analogy.

[jujudiamond]

i love Diane. she’s very compassionate. this interview is much preferred than another interviewee, Jennie Rosier, you had on another episode about attachment. I found Jennie to be incredible rude and mocking of anxiously attached folks in her tone and calling them stage 10 clingers. Diane on the other hand was extremely compassionate, non judgmental, and helpful.

[tarawiselove]

Play is severely underrated. This ya not teasing, but a genuine offer to feel good together with lots of smiling.

[budogacha]

I love how you" listen" to each other veiws. Its validating and I don t "feel " anger coming from you guys.its shows you done inner work.Its possible for me too.

[homiekeen]

We need more of this self-help advice for when we can't access a GOOD therapist at all. (Location, time, or Money) Thank you very much 🙏

[neelapatel]

This is, by far, the most helpful and comforting video on healing attachment wounds. Trust the Hansons to bring you this completely relatable, compassionate and very deep information in their gentle, caring way! Dr Diane gives hope and light and practical solutions, whereas others have made it seem that attachment wounds cannot be healed, but should simply be accepted. Thank you for sharing your light.

[lakritzeslena]

This cleared something for me.
I already knew that I have been traumatized by my unpredictable, and angry, not grown up, needy mother. And I knew that I get retraunatized by my unpredictable, mean husband.
But now I realized that I often used to fall for unavailable men that were really kind and had high ethic Standards, so I was sure I had no chance of getting in danger of a real relationship... On the other side, If someone liked me, I never felt anything for them, as soon as someone expressed interest for me, they were dull and I lost all interest.
Da-dumm

[MyTorta]

I definitely grew up with fear of abandonment. Started with my parents fighting and the fear that my mom would leave me behind to stay with my dad. I was very attached to my mom. My dad was at times verbally abusive but because he grew up that way. He grew up in a toxic family and unfortunately, all the siblings had trauma that they brought into their adult lives. I feel like I have the same fears still now where I feel I can't trust someone and if I'm in a relationship I am in constant fear that the person will leave me for someone else. It's so hard to deal with this in my mind. I constantly have to tell myself, it's your mind playing tricks. Stop thinking this way. So at the moment, I am single.

[CC-tvkg]

I’ve found what works for me is practicing Awareness, acceptance, compassion, love and understanding for myself and others.

[rivkiebrownstein]

Loved this thank you! I heard you mention your parents were busy and not emotionally nurturing and then i heard you say you didnt experience trauma. I just wanted to mention that not getting your emotional needs met and having parents that are too busy, is a form of trauma 🙏💕

[BodyMindCoaching]

Thank you for helping clarify attachment issues. Love the gentle relaxed style of this podcast.

[Theowlhawk]

This showed up on my YouTube feed, wow, just beautiful, uplifting, insightful, healing,
Thank you.
I do alot of eye gazing with my dog, she taught me, and she had been very unwell, so again her gift to me, lots of presence, present moments, gratitude for her breath, engaging, her beauty her Companionship, I love her dearly, ( I was dissociatng regularly, numbing out, in fear, anxious, ) now feeling more grounded, ease, dogs do heal us ...

[ericadams]

I watched this video about 5 months ago. It was one of the most important to me healing. I am securely attached. Take a test an online one to keep track every month or so. You'd be surprised how anxious securely attached people are lol.

Good luck you got this. Don't rush it will work out just keep on swimming.

[sherrieellen]

Your summary at the end of the interview really speaks to the elephant in the room. We all need safety and security to be our best. Thank you!

[TheJoyNinjaNZ]

Firstly, my deep gratitude to each of you for sparing the time to have this conversation in a public forum (for free!). There are some beautiful insights presented in easy to understand format. The questions you asked Dr Poole Heller at the end put me in mind of Campbell Walker's material around journalling - I often use the questions "What is the story I'm telling myself about this?" and "How would I comfort a friend if this was happening for them?" as journaling prompts to work through situations, people and things that trigger me. It would be lovely to see you interview him on your podcast - not because he has the caliber of some of the other guests, but because he has a practical, compassionate and irreverent approach. Love your work, thank you.