How To Set Boundaries with Difficult People

When you start setting boundaries, you're going to get pushback and your boundaries are going to bring out the emotional maturity of those closest to you. But that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong or that you should stop setting boundaries. In fact, it usually means you're doing something right. Here's the kind of pushback you'll likely get when you set a boundary with family, and what to do about it when you do.

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[carlanorris]

My personal unfavorite: "You've *changed. You *used to be so nice.*" "I thought I could count on you" is another.

[JennB]

My family has never valued me as an actual human being. Cutting them off a few years ago was one of the best decision I’ve ever made. Excruciatingly painful, but so good for me. I’m free to be me and work hard on becoming a new healthy person who is worthy of genuine love.

[WildFire]

I started realizing what boundaries are when I started dating my boyfriend. He's been extremely encouraging of healthy boundaries and emotional maturity.
Since I started dating him, my mother has said to me "You're not nice anymore." Cause I'm more confident and now stand up for myself and my boyfriend.

[ang_ro]

Dealing with emotionally illiterate ppl really is like dealing with toddlers. Thank you for these videos. There isn't enough talk about boundaries and rejecting enmeshment.

[elisadaluz]

People get mad when we try to set boundaries.

[arlilienkamp]

Do they value me only for my “yes” is so insightful. Awesome talk!

[loa]

Toxic codependency is a horrible state to live in! As I began setting my boundaries, there was so much opposition! It was like everyone else believed they had the right to do as they pleased without regard for others and their choices.

It took a while to realize the true nature of boundary setting for me. It wasn’t for everyone else, but for me only. I am not responsible for the choices of others, but only for myself. If I were to say a boundary was for someone else, then I’d be just as guilty of manipulation as the one that offends me! I’m not here to teach them a lesson! I’m living my life with choices I’ve made with my boundaries to protect my mind, heart, and soul.

My abusive ex-spouse is the classic narcissist. I actually love him more than he’ll ever be able to fathom. I grieve for his state, but am not compelled to live in misery for the rest of my life.

[lo]

Yesterday, I was called selfish and disrespectful... I'm so glad I found this video

[Mike-xtlh]

Thought my family would be happy or proud of me for trying to take better care of myself but I was wrong . They wanted me to be fat and unhealthy so they can make fun of me . Bunch of effing immature bullies . Thanks for this video Julia !

[marion]

"You're not nice" - people want you to be nice and that means not hurt their feelings. Honesty often hurts others' feelings.

[magiandthedevilshandtool]

Yes, my mom said to me a couple times over these last few months,
" What happened you used to be so nice?"
I'm a 44 year old grown woman working on knowing and practicing healthy boundaries with my mom and my 3 young adult children.

[jessxo]

I gave up on trying to set healthy boundaries with my family a long time ago. The non-stop guilt trips and push-backs were mentally exhausting. I finally just gave up on communication all together. It was hard at first because I never realized just how used to the dysfunction I was. But it's been the best thing I've ever done for myself both mentally and physically.

[Swallowtails-wced]

Setting boundaries is like dealing with a toddler. Very true.

[arielselenaruiz]

When I moved out of state my sister in law thought it was funny to taunt me about the baseball team I like, I was 26 weeks pregnant and i let the taunting and teasing go on for months until I spoke up because I was terrified to speak up and ask them to please stop! 5 months it took for me to finally say something to her and even then I feel I was way too nice about it. I still get angry about it. Trying to heal. Til I found Julia I didn’t even know wtf a boundary was but now that I’ve learned I’ve looked back and realized how many times I should have set one but I had no idea how. I thought speaking up for myself made me annoying and then people wouldn’t like me and I needed to be liked by everyone. Now I see that’s a PRISON to live in

[Mandrake]

Chances are, if you're here, you know in your heart who is healthy, and who is not. Toxic people are to be avoided. They always try to bring you down. Stay strong!

[mireillelebeau]

In the guilt category my sister said; You should be so grateful!

[maureenadams]

You really struck a chord when you talked about the things they are going to say. "you are so selfish". Yes!

[fly]

You’re punishing me
You’re sensitive
You’re going to regret it and you don’t want to live a life with regret
I’m wiser

[Silly-Little-Mama]

I had to cut off my sister because she is an alcoholic and abuses the people around her. I tried to set boundaries with her for years and she just didn't care. My parents were the ones who couldn't handle the separation between us. They've come around more as they've witnessed more of her behavior, but they still keep holding on to the idea of the perfect family and I occasionally get guilt trips for it. I have to remind them that I have a family too that needs protection from her. My oldest son and my sisters youngest are close and I often have to keep them apart. I hate to have to be a wall between them but alcoholics don't raise healthy children. I am often denying them interaction due to the circumstances of what is going on. For example, I will not let my son go to my sister's house or to a relatives house where the adults (a.k.a. my parents) will take off and leave them alone. They can be together in places where there is appropriate adult supervision and rules.

[daveguthrie]

Julia, I operate an outreach clinic for mental health care and substance abuse recovery in Anchorage. Alaska. I’ve used your videos for our Healthy Boundaries group and for our Relapse Prevention class for nearly 2 years. Thank you for every good thing you are doing.
People are getting well.