A beginners guide to setting boundaries

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[CherylMuir]

To the person reading this, repeat after me:

Boundaries teach people how to love and care for me. It deepens intimacy and love. It's safe to set boundaries.

[Natalie-tuic]

I grew up in an extremely dysfunctional family that had next to no boundaries. We always knew how my parents didn’t get along & I’d usually hear about the fights they had, sometimes in detail from my mom. When I got married I knew I didn’t want to be like my parents at any & all costs. One day my mom told me about one of the fights she had with my dad & I broke down (my dad and I have a strained relationship and I get kind of panicky when I’m forced to remember the fights and hostility in the environment from my childhood) I told my mom I didn’t wanna hear about her issues with my dad anymore and she started crying and said “she thought we could be friends and she could confide in me” I immediately felt terrible & told okay fine she can tell me about the things going on. I felt bad I had hurt my moms feelings & felt like a terrible daughter. My family sometimes tells me I’m “mean” and “moody” but they don’t understand how deeply their dysfunction and lack of boundaries has affected me as a person. I live several states away and I find that I am at peace living away from them because I’m only 22 & finally beginning my journey where all my hurt makes sense and I understand why I had been the way I was as a teenager. I don’t believe my family knows me anymore- they only know the hurt, angry teenager who had so much turmoil inside it’s insane. I’m so happy i found this YouTube channel & I look forward to more f your videos as I progress in my journey. And mostly, thank you for the reassurance that doing things that resonate with ME isn’t a crime & im not a terrible person. Much love ❤️

[britvent]

My biggest struggle is staying consistent and being firm.

[coniccinoc]

I often gave my abusive family money when I didn't have much to give. One day I told them to not contact me if all they want is cash. Haven't heard from them in about 18 wonderful years.

[justkeepbreathing]

My biggest struggle with boundaries is voicing them..I am scared of abandonment/shame/rejection in the face of voicing my needs and wants. My mom always did and said things since i was a baby to destroy any sense of autonomy within myself. If i spoke up against her/voiced my needs or wants (and even when i wouldnt ) i was punished, so i learned to keep my mouth shut. After a while of not being able to speak your truth, you begin to forget what it even is... so then its like a cycle. I get scared to speak, the pain of holding it in becomes too much, and my brain makes me numb and depressed as a survival skill to help me not feel the pain. Something has to give, and ive always been taught and reinforced by abusive people in my life that that something is always me. Right now im really stuck.. but this year more than ever before i have been using my voice. Ive been trying so hard. Even when enforcing my boundaries in itself can be triggering for me. Ill try to remember to be proud of myself for the small steps..and not be hard on myself when i feel lost sometimes. Keep reminding yourself of your truth.. so that you dont choose fear over it and lose yourself. If you keep you truth in your ears, it will be much harder to give up on yourself. You deserve someone that will honor your being, and that is you, first and foremost.

[bealivebefree]

"Separate yourself from whatever the reaction is..."

Yes! This is so important.

[RoseThePhoenix]

I grew up thinking that if I was always there for someone, they would always be there for me. And yeah, I thought it would be selfish to not support someone in that way, and thought it was extremely selfish that someone I was there for would never answer when I was the one who needed them. Finally realized I just ended up pouring away all my energy and not getting any back. It's been hard for me to re-think boundaries. 😔

[leox]

A recent ex reached out wanting to video chat soon. My gut instinct was no. I came on YouTube to procrastinate answering them, and this was the second recommendation. The universe has my back!! I watched for 2 minutes, started journaling my why, then wrote them back with my boundary. I feel so good about it! Thank you Dr Nicole!

[curllymocha]

Every morning I practice in my car saying "No! I don't like that"
I had a hard time identifying my emotions during the moment someone violated important not-yet set boundaries and my initial reaction would be to shut down. Doing this would make me the "villain" once I brought up how wrong whatever they did/said was when it was already too late. When I practice this phrase it helps me to remember to set "confident boundaries now" throughout my day when coworkers, friends, family, boyfriend, or random ppl at walmart etc try to treat me bad. It's hard because everyone is already used to me being a pushover but I need to honor myself and my emotions by speaking my truth! It feels so good! Practice is key 🔑 to breaking bad habits that existed my whole life until now! 💜

[LisaAllenmakeupaddict]

Boundaries are hard in most situations I think, people tend to feel like they are being attacked or put aside when we implement them. As hard as that can be I believe that generally they are aware of why we are implementing them and rather than see their own issues they want to make them ours. Beginning to implement boundaries has been difficult but so important to my self growth and self care. What I’ve found is that I feel better and more whole and that’s what the plan was to begin with. If people can’t understand or accept the boundaries we need then it’s my opinion that sadly they weren’t really meant to be a part of our lives. It’s painful to let people go but in the long run the pain is shorter than a lifetime of pain that person or people can cause us.

[st]

I had zero boundaries and suffered a lot because of it. I always believed those attacks that I was selfish for attempting boundaries. I could not break away from abusers who belittled me for my attempts to grow for many years up until more recently and now through healing an immense amount of trauma I have found that I had to completely cut off nearly everyone from my past. I had to start listening to what my therapist was saying and not what my instinct was, because my instinct was so wrong. These were people who also had ZERO boundaries and who would never accept my attempts to create them either because they were so foreign to them or because they destroyed their ability to manipulate me and use me. I found myself isolated after this, but also healing so much, only allowing people in my life who can maintain a distance that for me is still really difficult to do with those who push.
I love your video and you. Thank you for sharing.

[sagenosnibor]

If you set "self" respect as a standard for yourself (you only need it from yourself).

Naturally, anyone who does not respect you WILL disrespect you.

💝 God Bless your beautiful souls :)

[luluthetomato]

Omg I needed to hear this this morning. My partner just left me after 8 long and amazing years together. I found out they were having intimate relations with someone else and it wasn’t until I confronted them that they decided to leave me. Fast forward a month later and they want to still be my “best friend” and ask that I still be emotionally available to them. I knew for me that would be horrible but I felt guilty and selfish for thinking I shouldn’t have to do that. After all they were the love of my life and best friend for over 8yrs. After watching this it affirmed that it’s okay to set boundaries for my own emotional well being. Thank you for sharing this. Thank you for coming out of your own comfort zone and being on camera to help anyone and everyone who will listen! 🖤🖤

[ZacandDora]

This is absolutely alienating (& I do try to consider other people’s feelings when communicating) but I just freakin tell people & try to explain. I have been surrounded by people who are either utterly clueless, or entirely disrespectful of my boundaries, so now I just have to speak and say it. You cannot expect people to guess who you are. Articulate it!

I’m not a people pleaser anymore. They can walk if they want. Doormat is not on my radar. Love the vid! Merci😘

[robynkurdek]

I’ve never been good at setting boundaries. I’m a people pleaser and I let people stomp all over me. As a result I’m angry and resentful a lot of the time because I feel like I’m always doing whatever everyone else wants and never what I want.

I’ve had a friend and her son living with me for over a year and a half. I offered to help her when she was getting out of a bad marriage, and I never anticipated she’d be living with me this long. I want her out. She has no intentions of leaving and I’m too afraid to tell her because she and her son have nowhere else to go and she can’t afford to live on her own. I’m afraid of ruining the friendship, but having her in my space is ruining my and my kids’ lives. How do I make a boundary so I can get my life and my space back?

[jessical]

I’m more of an introvert so I have to set a time/energy boundary where I like to spend time in my room to recharge. Every time I do this it bothers my roommate. She thinks I’m being rude because I am less talkative with her and physically removed from her during this time. Even though I have explained to her why I do this. she always thinks that I’m upset with her. I’m now trying to move out because this has happened so many times that I no longer feel comfortable living together.

[ericagad]

Maintaining is my biggest struggle. I feel like a nag when I keep bringing up when the boundary is crossed. But that is more of a reflection of them, huh? If they keep crossing the boundary. But I need to be consistent in the maintaining so It can be a firm boundary.

[Icewing]

Thank you for this video, this made it finally clear for me. I come from a codependent family too. I am learning I am allowed to say no to people especially friends if I don't like something. I have been quiet for all of my life afraid of rejection. Now I am finding my voice at forty.

[adiroots]

I have a hard time saying no and end up people pleasing constantly. As a result I struggle to create boundaries and consider my own needs and feelings. This is helpful, thanks.

[JuwonJimvon]

Hello! My biggest struggle with boundaries is an intercultural issue. I was brought up initially by an English family when my birth parents were students in London. My natural inclination is to set boundaries based on what I first learned. In an African setting, this way of interacting is regarded as cold and I was guilt tripped by my birth parents through my adolescence into adulthood. Obviously, this issue has affected many choices I've made so far. I've found most peace in detaching myself from too much involvement in other people's lives.