The #1 Obstacle to Setting Healthy Boundaries: Relationship Skills #5

Healthy boundaries are essential for healthy relationships and for our mental health. In this video, I describe what stops many people from setting healthy boundaries and outline one essential key to setting good boundaries.
If you want to know how to improve your relationships, be able to say no, or take back your life and relationships, then learning how to set healthy boundaries is an essential skill for parents, lovers, friends, and workers.

Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[andreas]

Excellent concepts that make sense! Thank you Emma🤗

[helenpaul-smith]

I’ve been conditioned from childhood to put my mothers needs before my own. I wasn’t allowed to have needs because it caused her stress. She has to have complete control of me in our relationship. Now I am setting boundaries with her and the shame and guilt is overwhelming.

[bygracethroughfaith]

It's not about "feeling better" it's about "getting better at feeling". Wow!!!

[gracesanity]

I WAS a walking MAYBE, people could read my lack of self hood and keep pressuring me until l was so anxiety riddled l gave in. Manipulation was all around me. Then l would attack myself by overeating to self sooth my rage. Learn to roar, stay away from anyone you feel unsafe with until you build your self esteem and permission to be real, and NO is integrated into you. We are not responsible for others, your in charge of you only. Never put you second ever. That is sanity.

[gmalecastro]

7:24 onwards: “If someone’s mistreating you, is it really in their best interest that you don’t put your foot down? No. In general, the reason people don’t set boundaries is because they’re afraid of being mean, they’re afraid of feeling guilty, or they’re afraid of feeling scared. So the reason they’re not setting that boundary is not for the other person — they’re not trying to be kind to the other person. They’re trying to prevent themselves from feeling uncomfortable. It’s — it’s selfish.” An intriguing insight, Emma, which I’ve often missed in the past. Thank you for that!

[heatherlynn]

I was raised to think and feel that way. Shame was the tool. You find out who your real friends are! The FIRST time I said no to everyone of these Narcissistic people they were gone!!

[AcPh-ncvz]

The next step is how to keep the boundaries once they are set. Certain people don’t respect boundaries. This is a particularly difficult thing to manage when the trespasser is someone you need to deal with ie: parent, sibling, spouse rather than a colleague, friend or dating partner.

[give_peas_a_chance]

Long story short, co-dependent parents, boundaryless all my life. I'm 60 and have been diagnosed with a chronic condition (fibromyalgia) last year. That's what not setting boundaries gets you.- burnt out, worn out, resentful and as confused as ever. Better to start now whatever your age than end up like me, however uncomfortable and scary it is. I wish I had had the courage to set boundaries 40 year ago and not been so much of a people-pleaser. Now I have no choice but to say no, as my health prevents me from making commitments. I sound bitter, but finally I do have peace now, it's just a shame it's taken so long with such consequences. As some wise commenter here said - be your own gatekeeper, be careful who you let in and also know who to let out. Peace and courage to all Xx

[ChosenOne]

The biggest issue is boundaries but as always toxic people will conflate, confuse, and victimize.

[anitacarter]

Remember this, ✨we are the gatekeepers of our lives… We should put some serious consideration into who can come in… And who needs to be let out. 😉😊👍🏻

[danigolightly]

My struggle is setting boundaries when I carry resentment and anger towards that person. It’s really difficult to be kind about it and I know that just creates more tension.

[jennw]

I'm a massage therapist and in the beginning, I used to feel hesitant to tell people my cancellation policy when they set their first appointment -- like you said, it felt "mean" or harsh. Then I realized, the first appointment is the one that they are most likely to cancel or no-show! And that telling them my policy AFTER they cancelled or didn't show, was actually the mean thing to do. How were they supposed to respect my policy if I hadn't told them what it was? So that's how I got over that boundary feeling "mean." I just was giving them all the information they needed, right up front.

[mirelladlima]

Most people take advantage of our kindness so we must have boundaries. 🙏

[yelitzagallimore]

I disagree. Its not usually selfish to avoid setting a needed boundary. Its more often fearful. Thats not the same thing as selfish. But I get ur point. Its actually better for everyone to uphold healthy boundaries. Its not simply a little bit of discomfort that the boundary avoider is up against. Its often deep trauma. I want survivors to understand this and not give them more ammunition to shoot themselves down for doing something else wrong.

[anitacarter]

You must set boundaries with toxic people… 😳 The word NO...Can be very empowering to you.💪🏻

[MsYolost]

It finally makes sense why my narcissistic mother was nice from time to time. It's because she wasn't, she just was soft-selfish, which I misinterpreted as being nice. What a revelation

[actsrv]

You're the mother many people don't have, but everyone deserves.

[jonkerkmann]

I have always struggled with setting good boundaries. I liked your point that where is it coming from, and not setting proper boundaries is a selfish thing.

[lindsayh.]

WOW! This video gave me a colossal “aha moment”! I love how she lays it all out in such a concise & apparent way. I guess I always brushed off setting good boundaries as just part of my people pleasing behaviors. That I’m just too nice to everyone & thus easily taken advantage of. But wow, when explained in this context it really opens your eyes to the root cause of why we do what we do. It definitely gives me more incentive to be upfront & authentic regardless of the discomfort it will cause.

[lisaariottiart]

I love straight shooting people- direct communication of ones needs and wants - and a willingness to learn, grow and compromise.