The 'ABC method' of setting boundaries with narcissists

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.

THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[ralphmaver]

The best boundary to have with a narcissist is no contact.

[JoelC]

As a Physician who spent 30 years in a relationship w a Narc (for my own reasons), I assure you the Narc will NEVER respect your boundaries. The best “boundary” is to GET OUT when you are able. Do use Professional help, even if you must stay, ESPECIALLY if you must stay in this toxic environment. You will still be damaged, but at least you will have a reality “check” that will not continually “bounce” when you negotiate it…

[richardlandis]

A. Ignore them. B. Walk/Run away. C. Never return. 😊😊😊

[NarcSurvivor]

When you set a boundary, the narcissist will test you by crossing it. That is when you must force consequences immediately, or else they will never learn how to treat you.

[youngblood]

Making a hundred friends is not a miracle. The miracle is to make a single friend who will stand by your side even when hundreds are against you.
Someone is mad at you right now, because you picked distance over disrespect!

[joshuaanzalone]

I actually didn't mind at all walking away from family and past narcs in my life. I feel amazing for cutting them off and taking my power back.

[katarina]

I learned (from my family) that discernment is selfish. Having boundaries is selfish. Doing self care is selfish. That kind of upbringing did me no favors and unprepared me for adult life. It will take the rest of my life to learn what is normal and healthy in so many areas of life.

[mlebrooks]

I think what she said boils down to: you are a good judge of character and you know instinctively who to trust and consciously who to trust but social norms pressure you to inflate the grades of people in your tribe whether or not they deserve it. Resist peer pressure and trust your own perceptions.

[Leoo]

In other words, if they cross your boundaries, they get the gift of missing you. They don't get your time unless they treat you properly. Your time is the most valuable resource you can give anyone.

You don't have to walk away forever, but you definitely should get some distance for a while when they treat you bad, and let them know the reason for your exit.

[rubberbiscuit]

After a lifetime of not being allowed to have any boundaries, discernment is going to take me the rest of my life to learn.

[Youvegotredonyou-BeckyChase]

My sister is an F. She, just a week ago, after not speaking for years, sent me a message using my niece as a ploy to get back into her life. This was so hard for me as I would do anything for my nieces, and she knows that. I took about a week to respond. I told her I would be more than happy to be an active aunt to my niece, however I know that comes as a package deal with her. And I know that for my own mental health I can not have my sister in my life. If I have to wait until my niece is an adult, like I did with her second child, that's what I will do. For once in my life I don't even feel bad about my decision. I know her tactics and she no longer has any hold on me.

[catherineangel]

"We often don't mindfully approach our relationships." That's gold! We need to pay attention to our internal beliefs and identify reasonable wants and needs. This is a balanced scale.

[JJ-mhxd]

Wow Dr Ramani you literally said what I needed to hear. I was in a severely abusive relationship with my ex boyfriend for years.
I can't tell you how much you have helped me understand what was going on. You saved my life! Thank you for helping me! All the work that you do please know that you are helping people. I know you don't see how much you have changed my life for the better. But you have, it has been 2 years since I left and I don't regret it at all. Even my friends make comments about how much calmer i am. I have a long way to go still. But the 13 years of ABUSE is hard to deal with still.

[JoelC]

There are NO boundaries the Narc will respect on a continual basis. Forget that!!!

[jds]

Discernment is the nutritious food that makes my nervous system thrive. It enables me to move thru a world loaded with complex people. I get to control where I put my energy and who I actively maintain relationships with. Discernment is a superpower.

[paulajames]

This was such an important video for me personally. I was abused as a child and refuse to be abused as an adult. I don’t have much tolerance for someone who hurts me. It is difficult for me to keep C and lower people around. To me, it is just a waste of my time. I tend to rate my relationships in terms of give and take. Do they only take from me? Do I feel like they give something to me? Do they have an interest in me? I require reciprocation in my relationships. I see relationships as an investment. I just cannot invest in people that do not care about me. I will keep this video in mind.

[sarahumlaut]

no exaggeration: this video just changed my entire worldview

[susanparker]

A long-time friend did something to me a few months ago that made my skin crawl. After dealing with lots of narcissism elsewhere, I saw her behavior for the cold, kick-her-when-she's-down maneuver it was. Although she's apologized, she doesn't remember what she did. To me that's the worst gaslighting. This person is DELIBERATE in her actions and words, and is not someone to do something 'off the cuff' and not remember it. My guts refuse to ignore her deed. I am creeped out by her now. She went from an A to an F, and there she will stay.

[ardent]

I've been through something similar to what you described here Dr. Ramani, and I did choose to bring the friendship to a close. I like this method of grading the relationships that you have, but I will keep in mind that narcisstic people don't care what grade you give the relationship with them, they simply feel entitled to whatever benefits the relationships brings them. It's wonderful when it's a D or an F friend and you can simply bring the relationship to a close, but family... Fs all day and they still demand your compliance.

[tokyomurillo]

My ex narcissist gets an F and got kicked out of the program! 😂