You Can't MAKE People Respect Your Boundaries. Try This Instead.

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For people who grew up with abuse and neglect, it SEEMS like triggers are caused by other people, and that respecting your boundaries is their job. It’s totally normal and appropriate to want that kind of support and respect. But I’m going to say something very tough love here: You can ASK a person to understand you and your needs, and you can even ask them to help you avoid getting triggered. But they are not obliged to do any of it. In this video I'll tell you why.
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[elizabethcameron]

Oh, my. You graciously share strongly grounded ideas for those of us with CPTSD. Growth comes one step at a time, and it is up to us to learn the steps, to impliment the tools. What love! Thank you. Thank you!

[xjasonxbx]

When people are used to you not having boundaries they sometimes get very defensive or use shaming or gaslighting to get you to "fall back into line".

[pavla]

I went with the ' the only person you can change is yourself ' and went NO CONTACT with my bullying narcissistic family members . I had to leave the whole back biting back stabbing lot out of my life . More peace for sure but lonely - a good kind of lonely .

[jodiburnett]

The amount of deleting and blocking I’ve done since healing is legendary. It’s amazing how peaceful life can be after saying NO to abuse.

[redwoods]

In my experience, I get criticized and rejected harshly when I set the most basic of boundaries because I am malleable and a serious people pleaser/appeaser. Then I cave out of fear. This channel is helping me to face the fear of setting basic boundaries. I know I can heal and I know I can do this. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!

[marypettersen]

I agree you can’t force people not to be triggering. What is also true is no one should have to take shit from anyone.

[Abe-rznm]

I think it's harder for someone with CPTSD to IDENTIFY their boundaries, than to enforce them. I think it's easier once you actually identify them, and then you will naturally enforce them with others. People treat you as well as you expect them to. I used to be mocked and picked on growing up, but now nobody has done that for years. I know that if they did they would regret it and that's the energy I give out.

[auburnandgrey]

I will Never understand why a person ignores a flat out NO. I say no six ways to Sunday and it's constantly ignored or dismissed. Retreat and isolation is the only way to consistent peace and quiet. Without peace and quiet I don't have a hope in Hell to focus on healing.

[shewho]

The whole mindset of my mother and my ex (basically the same creature in different bodies) was “Boundaries were made to be stomped on”.
Took me 45 years to learn to walk away.

[raiderlove]

When it comes to cutting off people who are narcissistic or controlling is when I am going to set boundaries with them. I've been through this before. And the person didn't accept the boundaries I set. So I ended the friendship and cut them off.

[darthfiende]

Yes! Boundaries are promises you make to yourself and are only as strong as your ability to keep them. Too many people think the no trespassing sign on their fence is their boundary when, in reality, it's the consequence they deliver when someone jumps their fence.

[PinkYellowGreen]

I have found that people who repeatedly violate boundaries are likely to commit abuse! They start off by violating small boundaries like privacy, like knowing personal information and escalate! They start by intentionally disrespecting others and just keep the disrespect going.

[annamaria]

It took me literally years to know what a boundary even was. When I finally got it, I realized that if it was a boundary of mine, I had to be prepared to follow through if my boundaries weren't being respected.
It was extremely difficult to do but when I followed through, my life changed dramatically!
It of course meant I lost some people from my life but that was the gain I'd been missing.

[jilljohnson]

People who "care" about you is the key. Verbally abusing you, harassing you, and screaming at you and you didn't do anything wrong proves they are abusive, controlling, and unhealthy.

[maryri]

Mine are now going to respect my "going no contact now boundary" because some people with high narcissistic traits know no boundaries. This after dealing with over 45 yrs abuse.

[jnagarya]

They have the "right" to be themselves within LIMITS. They have no right to be bullies. Or to ignore your boundaries.

[lalaacosta]

I just wanted to say that my favorite strategy for establishing and implementing boundaries is the rule of "no". I love saying "no" to people and NOT offering up an explanation as to why I said it. The real people who love you will still be there. The explanation is a privilege, and you do not need to explain anything to anyone. I felt like this strategy was a REALLY great step 1. It felt amazing

[rebeccacheney]

My 10 year old son is extremely sensitive and can seem like a “victim” of his feelings and experiences a lot if the time. It’s enormously frustrating for me to deal with. This video just cracked that whole thing open! I have spent years saying to my husband, “why did you?” “ why don’t you?” “how could you?” “how could you not?”. I have been modeling this victimhood to my son! It’s my job to hold my boundaries, not my husbands job to respect them (necessarily). Wow.

[marylouleeman]

I just knew it!! I knew it when I was six and nobody liked me, so I thought maybe if I help them... Again at 26 I just knew this misery was not my real life though I was surrounded by family, husband, three children who did love me...in their way. Now I am going to be eighty!!! 80 this next month and I AM HERE!! my real life. Me. Four decades of recovery was worth it all. We have to pass it on to others now.

[milletmongoose]

I started the process of removing people from my life. I was always afraid that I was blocking people I love out of pettiness. I learned it is quite the opposite of petty — it is powerful. The more I have come to understand my worth and my needs, the less difficult it has been to drop people that wouldn’t give me the same consideration that I give them.

They most certainly have the right to be who they are. I learned that I have the right to push them off and clear their old space for people who will love me as I love them.