How to Set Boundaries That Actually Work Part 2: Relationship Skills #6

Do you ever say "You're not respecting my boundaries!" or "You can't talk to me that way"? If so, then you need to watch this video on how to set boundaries in a way that is within your realm of control.

Healthy boundaries are essential for good relationships, but most people were never taught how to do them right. If want to improve your relationships, be a better parent or boss, or just stand up for yourself, then you need to learn how to set boundaries that actually work.

Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC, and the information provided by Emma McAdam are solely intended for informational and entertainment purposes and are not a substitute for advice, diagnosis, or treatment regarding medical or mental health conditions. Although Emma McAdam is a licensed marriage and family therapist, the views expressed on this site or any related content should not be taken for medical or psychiatric advice. Always consult your physician before making any decisions related to your physical or mental health.

About Me:
I’m Emma McAdam. I’m a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, and I have worked in various settings of change and growth since 2004. My experience includes juvenile corrections, adventure therapy programs, wilderness therapy programs, an eating disorder treatment center, a residential treatment center, and I currently work in an outpatient therapy clinic.

In therapy I use a combination of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, Systems Theory, positive psychology, and a bio-psycho-social approach to treating mental illness and other challenges we all face in life. The ideas from my videos are frequently adapted from multiple sources. Many of them come from Acceptance and Commitment Therapy, especially the work of Steven Hayes, Jason Luoma, and Russ Harris. The sections on stress and the mind-body connection derive from the work of Stephen Porges (the Polyvagal theory), Peter Levine (Somatic Experiencing) Francine Shapiro (EMDR), and Bessel Van Der Kolk. I also rely heavily on the work of the Arbinger institute for my overall understanding of our ability to choose our life's direction.

Copyright Therapy in a Nutshell, LLC
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[rachelthornton]

This was awesome! Thanks for the helpful insights- really informative.

[hadleybee]

It's an uncomfortable fact that we really are powerless over others. And even managing ourselves is a big challenge.

[pavlinaambrozova]

Thank you for this video. At last I know why I have been so angry with other people all the time. I did not set my boundaries that worked. The most important thing I heard in this video was "Boundaries are what you will do."

[cicada]

i had somewhat mild to moderate depression two months ago and i cant stop being anxious tho i've "healed" that ... after watching your videos, slowly but sure, they really change how my emotions react to bad things(tho sometimes it's not actually going to be bad). i become calmer, and i couldnt thank you enough for this. thank you so much for improving my life quality! i become so happier.

[eatplantsloveanimals]

Thank you for all these videos! Very helpful. However, the example you gave -- "If you don't eat your food, then you can't have ice cream" -- sounds like punishment and it's not really saying what YOU are going to do, it's telling the child what THEY can't have. (It's also programming them to think of junk food as reward.) I think a better example is "If you don't stop yelling at me, I'm going to walk away." For children, I really like the approach that is taught in the book "How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk." For example, if you give them choices, it gives them a sense of control and agency and they soften their resistance. You could say, do you want to eat dinner now or in half hour? Or, do you want spaghetti or a sandwich? The book offers other techniques as well.

Also there's a mistake in the slide that shows the 3 types of parenting. Authoritarian is listed twice. The one that is loving but firm should be authoritaTIVE, not authoritaRIAN.

[rukawada]

I recently found your page and I am learning a lot about how to understand myself and improve myself and correct Issues in my life. Things like emotions, feeling habit that are difficult to understand. U explain everything easily with simple examples and you coincise and always go to the point. I really Appreciate what you are doing by teaching us these important lessons of life for free. U are a good person and I appreciate you immensely.

[MohamedShaarawy]

thank you really for the clarity and simplicity

[brycenwhitesides]

you're amazing! thanks for all your hard work to make these videos free for us <3

[Jocelyn_Jade]

Omg that “We can’t force food into her mouth and move her jaw up and down” made me laugh so hard

[GoodWoman]

To say we have no power over another is dependent upon power definition. Our actions do impact others….our words, tone and timing impact others. Boundaries are problematic because if they are based on emotional safety any behavior by another can be considered as a threat so now I will look for part 2

[grayautumnday]

My father’s wife is weaponizing the videos throughout your specific channel to coerce him into allowing her to get instant copies of his texts, messages, emails, and call data… I’m fairly sure that she is also recording audio in most of the rooms in the house as well.

I was the one who encouraged her to check out your videos on boundary setting and moving towards healthier (assertive instead of aggressive conflict) communication and more effective relationship behavior skills…

She tells me that your channel is what instructed her to set up all the surveillance and coercing my dad to allow spyware to avoid being forced out of the home he bought before they got married (all in responding to my dad’s mistakes).

I’ve also heard her use the videos here to justify waking my dad up from a deep sleep in the dead of night (when she gets home from a swing shift) by screaming at him and dumping all her pent up aggression on reiterating the litany of all the (admittedly very big mistakes but not the only big mistakes in the relationship) things he ever did wrong that catalyze her wounded-predator rage response… my dad had his second emergency aortic valve replacement less than a year ago, he almost died, and this waking-by-deafening-berating behavior is quite literally more and more deadly every time she does it.

Here’s the thing - I’ve gone back through your videos on relationships and communication and I can’t find even a hint of any instruction in this channel that suggests that phone and computer spyware and similar surveillance is a recommended method of her feeling safe. I’m feeling at a loss, because she keeps digging farther in saying that your channel backs her up, but can’t provide links to any specific video(s) to let others see the connections she’s making to show that is the “right” and “healthy” way to behave.

My dad is elderly, physically and emotionally fragile… he also behaves in frequently passive aggressive ways and does things that I strongly disagree with and would have left my marriage a very long time ago if my spouse did the things my dad does. But IMO no mistakes, as deeply emotionally hurtful and trust-breaking as his are, justify this response… and your channel absolutely does not condone it either.

I feel so helpless to get him out of that situation. She’s taking advantage of his remarkable conflict avoidance to make him submit to daily abuse. I’d reach out to you directly, but it’s not your fault or responsibility. I’m just so sad that my dad’s not willing to go through the conflict needed for him to leave, and he’s so determined to not lose the house and property he got long before they married that there’s a very high chance that he’ll die from yet another cardiac arrest before he can get legal help making her agree to pay rent so he can afford to rent a place somewhere else.

[btob]

A real boundary is saying what your going to do in response to their behaviours.

[MultiCappie]

"If you don't eat your meat, you can't have any pudding! How can you have any pudding, if you don't eat your meat?!"
- Pink Floyd

[cirelo]

If/ then statements always sound highly manipulative to me. Am I misunderstanding what they're about?

[luluthedoberman]

"If you don't x, then I'll y" is an ultimatum, not a boundary.

[daignat]

"If you don't eat your food, you can't have icecream later"... that's the way you put lots of value to the icecream and drastically diminish the value of food. I definitely won't recommend it at all. Usually I kind of saw this 'if...then' sentences don't really work well. Maybe I'd use them but reverted into positive and without actually verbalize at all, and only when putting value on something is desirable, like 'if you eat your food, we'll play together'. But again, that's R+ and I really don't like Behaviorism, especially Skinner's. Maybe extinction works better. Just ignore the behavior and don't reinforce or punish it. Hunger will eventually kick in. Depending on the child's age, I might try some research with them: so you don't want to eat. Let's see what happens if you don't eat, let's check with friends, people from community, teachers, specialists we don't know, the Internet. Maybe even give them a project with this title: what happens when you don't eat... let them discover themselves... anything BUT Behaviorism! Just saying... That, in terms of food... there's so much other stuff!!!

[schoolneverteach]

Is it easier for older people to set boundaries?

[cilmiboodhari]

What a sweet accent I like the way you sound

[Larry]

This is nothing short of extraordinary. I found content with a similar message, and it was breathtaking. "The Art of Saying No: Mastering Boundaries for a Fulfilling Life" by Samuel Dawn

[diannerussell]

I Stonewall and ghost. I don't care what naysayers think about this behaviour. It works like a charm for me. I had a gorgeous friend who was continually hit on all the time and she got to the point where she would tell men to F off. This is extreme, and stupid and very dangerous and also the person may attack you, people are unpredictable animals and like most animals they may harm you. You wouldn't antagonise a pit bull terrier would you, and most humans behave like one and they love to hang out in packs.⭐