Avoidant Attachment: How To Work With The ‘Fear Of Commitment’

[EnigmaAbyss]

"The version of yourself that you are within the relationship that you're afraid of committing to" That's it!!

[EsseQuamVideriSeen]

If I hadn't been introduced to Attachment Theory a few months ago, and watched about 50 of your videos, my head would have literally exploded watching this video.

My not knowing why I love my wife so strongly yet finding myself doing things to pull away from her was so confusing and I definitely felt the shame you describe in this video.

Carl Jung says "Until you bring the unconscious into the conscious, it will rule your life, and you will call it fate." is so true. You do a great job helping me learn about myself in a very helpful way!

[trudojo]

I stopped consuming this kind of content a while ago because I felt like I was circling the drain and growing more resentful. It felt like getting preached at and a religion forming more than anything, and I knew the tenants. You have a unique way of encouraging the viewer to make the connections themselves while you educate them thoroughly about concepts. It's brilliant.

[Brinaweenahwoo]

Heidi, you truly have a gift and a talent for explaining complex attachment ideas to the masses in a way that is easily digestible, supportive, direct, entertaining, and inspiring. There are thousands of people in the world who feel like you "get" them on a level that no other human does. Thank you immensely for what you do. You are making the world a better place by helping so many of us heal. ❤😊

[kalilaa.]

You are like the bigger sister I never had but desperately needed.

[aron]

I think my biggest fear is losing my moments of alone time that I absolutely need. Pure, unguilted, leave me alone, ALONE TIME. I need to be clear about this boundary I think, but I feel like it's not an acceptable one :/ Saying that, I'm actually fairly confident my new partner would actually accept it and has said she would.

[jonber]

Your description of the doughy eyes partner made me make a face of disgust, before you finished the description. But honestly that is a great insight, that it might not be the fear of commitment to the partner, but it might also be a true hint of a person that is craving to be nurtured like a small and helpless child, in a way that you are not comfortable with on all occasions.

And on the subject of how we internalizse our view of certain relations. I just recently realized, that the way i think about relations is: Do i need one or can i manage without? Disregarding or minimizing the fact that i actually always long for relationships, whether i feel unassailable and independent or have an episode of confusion about me being around others. But the longing is not to have a relationship in itself, the longing is to explore the uniqueness of another character that is my equal, and to challenge the fears that may arise. Also there is a longing to express the person one has become, an finally see it being received as authentic, and not an worn mask. And i knew this, but still my internalized view was dominant, and there it was reduced to 'management'. A convenience.

A friend surprised me once by stating that if it was allowed he would visit gladiatorial games, and see people slaughter each other for amusement. We had a life long relationship. When i said that that was horrible and deeply unethical, he said, 'your always the prude one'. With rolling eyes. Imagine being around someone since childhood and have the insight, that he views you as prudent, for not lusting for strangers blood. Sometimes the separation of our relationships, when we speak up, is long overdue.

[spianny]

This is something I’ve been trying to figure out about myself for the last months. Why do I feel disgust again at someone I’m dating when logically I know they’re beautiful and intelligent and caring. I felt soo bad about that disgust. I realised I was pretending to be someone at times that I am not. I realised my reaction to blame the other is wrong and there must be something I’m doing that is causing this. This video helped me to see what it is exactly.
Thanks soo much for this amazing content!! Life saver 😊❤️

[dariennechouinard]

Dayuuuummm... what an interesting perspective on fear of commitment! Epiphany. I have shamed myself for feeling like a failure in my last serious relationship, for not responding perfectly to my partner when he was super vulnerable. I would push him away, disassociate/not be present, act coldly, etc. in response to feeling uncomfortable with being put in a parent role.

[Donutgirly]

Thank you! I could totally relate with your example of my partner behaving like a child and me disconnecting emotionally instead of communicating it, blaming myself to have these thoughts and feelings … it’s the first time I hear about this, instead of everyone saying „just be nicer, accept things, you’re the problem whatever“ and I realized on what part I will focus next - learning to allow myself to feel angry about certain things that don’t feel right to me. And then of course learning how to communicate it respectfully but authentically

[sebastianosuch]

As an avoidant, I deeply believe that in order to get into a relationship I need to hold my emotions - because how would I be accepted and loved being angry at times or having boundaries? That’s why I’m single for the last two years and working on my self because I don’t want to neglect me fears. My latest success is not getting into a relationship with a new met woman even though she’s seems okay and she wanted that. We stayed friends and I am so happy with that.

[sparkstudies]

As a fearful-avoidant, this is so so spot on and so very helpful. Thank you so much

[autumnjmo]

Heidi, forgive me if I’ve commented this already, but I think it every video. Please please please do a video for ROCD/Relationship Anxiety sufferers. Your content is invaluable. We need you!

[mpozad]

Jeeze Priebe, I can't believe you put this high caliber material out here for free.

The 'disgust response', I forgot all about having that as a kid. Yeah, major commitment issues!

Will checkout, 'Radical Honesty'.

[canvea]

This explained my fear of commitment so so so well. I recently left my loving partner of 10 years because he proposed. I'm not sure if it was the right decision, but I'm 100% sure that I did not show up as my authentic self in the relationship, and it makes so much sense to me that this would be the source of the fear! He has taken on the role as a parent and I the childlike victim, not a very nice foundation for an adult relationship. I really struggle getting out of the dynamic. There is SO much to unpack here and work on.

[mrybird]

This video brought me great peace for some reason, for the first time in my life I feel understood

[neant]

The best indicator of just how spot on this video is - is that my brain was constantly trying to zone out the whole way through it:

- C'm on, brain, we need to learn to process our emotions the right way!
- No-no-no-no-no, no, no way, nope. We're going to go make some tea and ignore this nasty feeling of the absolute relevance of this video to our predominant emotional responses. I have spoken, and now I take my leave!

Had to pause and re-watch, heh... )

[felixtownn]

I swear Heidi each of your recent videos are SO helpful for me! "How to stop being needy" and now "how to stop fearing commitment". All the problems I've faced. You're an angel in my life rn.

"A healthy relationship is when two individual take care of their own needs and meet the needs of the other person which they have explicitly agreed upon" ❤

[leyawh]

HOLY SMOKES HEIDI!!! Watching this video with the idea of showing this to my avoidant partner is you guessed it - GIVING ME SKY ROCKETING ANXIETY!!! Talk about my fear of abandonment coming straight up to the surface fearing he'll leave me once he realizes (if he realizes that is) that I'm NOT someone he actually wants to commit to LOL. Using humor to get me through this scariness, but I know this video is something that will ultimately encourage him to show up more as his authentic self, which is something under all my anxiety that I wish for him out of pure genuine love at the end of the day... Thank you for this slap in the face!

[antoniaabraham]

This perspective explains a lot tbh. It shines a light on what I refer to as the fear of commitment. It is the fear of being the parent, the fear of showing up as someone who is vulnerable forever