HOW AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT SABOTAGES INTIMACY

**ONLINE COURSES FOR HEALING AND DEALING WITH BORDERLINE/NARCISSISTIC PARENTS AND HEALING YOUR INNER CHILD BY RE-PARENTING YOURSELF (LINK BELOW)

**FREE CHECKLIST: DO I HAVE NARCISSISTIC AND/OR BORDERLINE PARENTS?

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This video is from a new series about healing our childhood and relationships called "Healing Love," and describes how those with Avoidant Attachment may feel vulnerable and engage in "deactivating strategies," in unconscious efforts to minimize intimacy and vulnerability.

Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(***This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT

Guided journal to help direct healing from childhood coming soon!

xo

*** Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

Thank you so very much - I truly and sincerely appreciate you, and the time and thoughts you share here:)

[mikyl-forh]

To love an avoidant who is not working on themselves is like trying to fill the grand canyon using an eye dropper.

[smokingcrab]

My wife is an avoidant. I got so tired of it I finally started avoiding her. I hate what this is doing to me. I want her attention but I'm soooo tired of getting ignore and rejected by her. I act calm but I'm constantly stressed. I purposefully look for things to do to occupy myself with just so I don't think about her, but nothing works because I want that bond with her. None of our intimate or loving acts feel genuine. Our relationship has no soul. I can't even text her or flirt with her because she calls me "needy". She gave me all the bonding in the world at first, made me fall head over heels for her, but then did the bait & switch. The resentment is building up and I feel so damn alone. I hate this dynamic.

[freshmintbubblegum]

The worst thing about being avoidant is that you’re kind of avoiding yourself in the first place.. I feel completely disconnected from who I am and what I want. I have no idea on how to reconnect

[DanielaRosenrot]

The core of the trauma is: I am not lovable, I don‘t deserve love (parents rejected the babys need for connection). This has many layer around it as a protection strategy (like critizising their partner to avoid them and to also avoid themselves = avoid and reject their own need for love and connection. Its actually self abandonment).

[WeLoveMeals]

This resonates so deeply for me. Grew up in a Caribbean culture where it’s ok to actually threaten children with a beating when they cry and barely telling them I love you…if at all.
Being this type makes me want to be single all the time. It’s more peaceful and predictable for me.

[anupamaraianvirai]

One of the biggest challenge is that they don’t want to realise that they have some issues.

[sage]

I dealt with this for five months with a lover. I had infinite patience and compassion to the point I had none of my needs met while I was promised this person would make time and stop breadcrumming me in the rare times I would ask if they had abandonment issues (yes) or voice any sort of needs myself. Everything was about them from the get go. I wasn't sure if it was narcissism or not until I saw they fit avoidant attachment to a T. Finally after promises unfilled and me getting nothing but crumbs, I ended up having to block them to break the cycle for myself. Now I know the red flags and personally don't think people who are present for intimacy should be involved with folks like this. It's very harmful to those of us who are in a place to give...but also deserve to receive. You will wait forever for someone who is never going to be truly present no matter how deeply you talk to them or try and understand them. It's toxic. I feel sorry for people who have this version of attachment and hope they put in the scary work needed to get to a place where they can attach to intimacy. Without them seeking therapy however it seems impossible. I know I will never go down this road again. For me it was an epic waste of emotion and pain believing I was connecting with someone who constantly needed more time and who was never going to be present.

[tall_black_man]

I think avoidant types should be avoided....it's really difficult for these types to make meaningful relationships

[walkertranger]

1) they say I’m not ready to commit even if they have been with you for years

2) They focus on imperfections of their partner

3) They long for the ex that got away

4) They flirt with others

5) They don’t say I love you

6) They pull away when things are going well

7) They form with an impossible future

8) They check out mentally

9) Keep secretes and leave things foggy

[karmadog]

In some cases, it’s paternal, not maternal. Mom is silent on the abuse, dad (aka just another child) is never called out and is allowed to be a tyrant.

[davidaikman]

Avoid a dismissive avoidant at all cost if they are not willing to find a path to secure attachment.

[edgreen]

Repression of childhood reality which is replaced with idealized version. Flaw finding In others. They magnify others minor flaws and say they don't need others. Afraid of vulnerability.

[josepablolunasanchez]

There is a distance in which everyone gets along. Avoidant people stay away but they want to be close. That kills a relationship with someone who wants to be close. No one can have a cake and eat it too.

[Sara-tjmq]

Wow. I thought I was only anxious and now I realize Im totally avoidant. I need therapy.

[chuck]

It's unfortunate for someone to be so disconnected from themselves. They had put up many defenses to wall off the trauma they had endured. Unfortunately, the true self had to be walled off. So, they a live a life of quiet desperation. How sad!

[wiktoriawegrzyn]

Avoid these people if they are not willing to go to therapy. Not only willing but actively participating. My partner (7 years together, 3 engaged) not only avoided therapy, our wedding, but also our friends, family, anything that was not connected to his comfy chair and PC. All emotions were considered as big problem and any discussion was my fault and me overreacting. People were the problem, never him xd So glad we broke up. I would end up like my 30+ year old sister with a similar guy - situationship, days without one messeage, without wedding and children, drama all the time. Destroyed and lonely. Now I cherish men who are happy to discuss any issue and find joy in time spent together. He is still alone and grumpy about world and relationships. Poor guy.

[jeffreymerson]

Being with someone (for years!) who is not only extremely introverted, socially anxious, and shy,

but who is also conflict/resolution avoidant, intimacy avoidant, super-under-sharing, mentally detached, emotionally unavailable, and generally “flat”,

the knowledge of their childhood trauma and neglect becomes all the more heartbreaking.

Though I do love what little closeness we share (which only feels “real” when we’re sexual),

I crave more soulful and thoughtful conversations of sincerity and authenticity. The craving is a real burden.

[kerrymillar]

I’ve never heard it described this way. The going to the mother for comfort and being rejected. I really felt that deeply.

[Savedbygrace]

You hit the nail on the head with the deactivation strategies..I’ve done them, still do them and I found your channel as a result of me being tired of my own sabotaging self 😅

[mosgvjs]

This is so on point. I just broke with a very lovely man in many ways because of his constant travel for work, family, self… and potentially promising that this is temporary. And holding back emotions, saying that when I had an upset, that made him feel unsafe and never being fully in. I tried for a year to bridge that, to love him, offer ways we each can grow but ultimately he just couldn’t meet me. I grew in the process and recognized a lot in myself and what I do want in a relationship. For sure emotional connection and willingness to choose me as the partner to grow with. As hard as it is, I am glad it was only a year and not several years of waiting and hoping