5 Signs of Disorganized, Anxious or Avoidant Attachment

Dr. Dawn-Elise Snipes discusses 5 Signs of Disorganized, Anxious or Avoidant Attachment

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NOTE: ALL VIDEOS are for educational purposes only and are NOT a replacement for medical advice or counseling from a licensed professional.

Video by Dr. Dawn Elise Snipes on integrative behavioral health approaches including counseling techniques and skills for improving mental health and reducing mental illness.

00:00:00 - Signs of Disorganized Attachment
00:01:29 - Hyper vigilance to rejection
00:02:53 - Emotional Dysregulation and Impulsive Behavior
00:04:24 - Growing up in a chaotic and aggressive environment
00:05:46 - Inconsistent parent-child relationships and its impact on attachment
00:07:13 - Becoming aware of your thoughts wants and needs
00:08:40 - Developing distress tolerance skills and friendships
00:10:04 - Rejection and Reassurance
00:11:23 - Changing Disorganized Attachment
00:12:52 - Developing Emotional Awareness

[DocSnipes]

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[rosettesionne]

Disorganized attachment is the result of unpredictability and inconsistencies in relationships which is also one core element of narcissistic abuse. When the person you love or depends on seems to care one day and reject you the next, smile with you one day and insult you one moment later, says they will protect you but are the first to wear you down and attack your sanity. So naturally you end up believing that relationships are unpredictable and that it is worthless to trust others since they will eventually deceive you at the end but a part of you still crave for a committed relationship hence despite not having trust in others you still keep people at arms length due to fear of abandonment.

[Gemisnotmyname]

i used to feel shame for my attachment style but now i see it with compassion. i see it as we are abused animals just scared things will go bad again. we need time to feel safe again

[deborah]

I cannot begin to explain how challenging it is living with disorganised attachment. It makes it almost impossible to have a romantic relationship because of the terror that comes with getting close to another person. When you’ve been abused by the people who are supposed to love and protect you, it’s so hard to feel safe when in close proximity of another person. It’s so unfair that the scars continue to hurt way beyond the childhood injury. I keep trying but it’s hard not to just give up :(

[Indielizard]

This is my kind of attachment disguised as secure attachment. I’m introverted so the clingyness manifests itself internally. I had/have the mentality of do it before they do it, so I sabotaged a lot of relationships back in my day. I can be loving and stable and drop you the next day and never speak to you again.

[avataranonymous]

I put you on a pedestal when I am without you, but when I am with you, I only see you in disgust.

[moonv]

I thought I had avoidant style until I came across this video. Everything makes sense now, had a good cry looking back at my childhood memories. Thank you

[ticketforepic]

A word of advice: Resist the urge to become a recluse. It's easier in the short term, but you can absolutely forget how to socialize and connect. It's not like riding a bike.

[ddub]

12 years of being called out and publicly humiliated as a failure on a weekly basis in the public school system due to my learning disability that no one knew how to deal with back in the 70’s and 80’s, and my own parents denial of my struggles, that was the biggest contributor to my Disorganized Attachment style.

[Jen-keeh]

I am realizing it’s how I interpreted my parents own issues. They would build me up but tear me down.

[sadie]

My mother drew a line around herself and her other children. I was not allowed to cross that line. My grandmother did the same. I have spent my life on the outside looking in, longing for what others have but terrified and angry and avoiding it all.

[sawyerbass]

I think the reason this comes from chaotic households must be that, when someone else in the household flips from relatively nice to blackmail or insults, you'd have to react by doing the same, or practically begging for them to reconsider without guarantees.

I remember when I was a kid, my brother would steal my teddy bear and use it as blackmail at random times. I remember doing both multiple times. I remember my mom hand-waving away concerns when she was on the phone, screaming at my siblings for the same thing other times, and not even noticing others. This makes a lot of sense.

[ieyona]

Anxious avoidant attachment style describes me so well. I hope I can work past these challenges and develop meaningful relationships. Getting close to someone scares me and triggers so many emotions that make me want to run and hide. 😓😔🥺

[TheRockStar]

As sad as it is, this describes me to a T especially the parenting styles with my parents having a very chaotic, dysfunctional marriage. Interestingly enough, while I have a bunch of the fears you describe (fear of abandonment, intimacy, rejection) I am grateful that I have been able to make good friends that I can open up to. Now to work on processing everything properly and healing so that I can move forward and become a better man for whoever my future girlfriend/wife will be, thank you

[Chelle_Vibes]

Since healed from this variety of attachment style, yet watching this video makes me incredibly angry at my parents. I'm doing my best not to blame them, but the fact they made me feel afraid and hated in my own home can't escape me.

[JadeJaysen]

Not enough people talk about this attachment style, so I appreciate you taking the time to discuss it. Would love some info on how to deal with someone with this attachment style

[grindsaur]

Boundary setting ≠ Rejection 😮
That’s a mind blower… obvious when said out loud, but not really until then.

[phoenix_rising]

Mine was due to inconsistency...I never knew what behaviors or which times I would be loved, comforted and accepted or shamed, scolded and punished. It created a deep distrust in basically everyone I meet. The most damaging part though is the distrust in myself. I want so badly to be able to trust and be vulnerable but I don't trust my own judgement due to choosing the wrong people to let into my life.

[SPSHSP]

This was great, I’ve only heard of a few theories regarding the development of disorganized attachment, and this is the first time I heard the examples you provided, which completely resonate with my childhood, expected to excel academically, but then I remember in elementary school, having to make my science fair project, but having no help nor guidance only to come up with a project last minute and it be a complete flop. Funny enough, one of the science fairs where I didn’t get any ribbon I think my parents noted my disappointment, and then, when we walked by it again, there was an honorable mention ribbon but I’m pretty sure they coordinated that.
Report cards were always lukewarm because I would never achieve straight A’s, and I struggle with math, which my mom loves, and every time I went to her for help she would quickly get upset and say “I don’t understand how you’re not understanding, I’m so good at math!!” as expected, I stopped going to her lol

[Sunwolfy]

Thank you very much for this video. My boyfriend is of this attachment style (I know about his past and it's exactly as you've described). I have unknowingly been giving him what he needs to help in healing and he's starting to make friends and enjoy the company of others without feeling suspicious of them. Watching this is also helpful for me to know what to do if he does go into dysregulation (they are quite infrequent now and don't last long). We both have our own issues but we're able to work together and make a great team. This gives me hope that this relationship could last quite a long time.