How to Stop Obsessing Over Someone You Want

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Have you ever created an entire relationship in your head before going on a date with someone? Perhaps you’ve been texting with them for weeks and have already deduced they could be “The One,” or maybe you live for the two minutes of conversation you have with them before spin class.

Unfortunately, living in our heads in this way can turn into obsessing, and render us incapable of feeling excited about anything other than seeing or hearing from that person. In other words, they occupy a space in our minds they’ve not yet earned!

In this week’s new video, I share with you the mindsets that can both help and hurt you in dating, as well as the best way to determine if you and this person could really work out. Tell me what you think in the comments.

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[soniavejar]

“The more you build up in your head the greater the collision with reality.” Lol omg. Yes!

[glj]

I'm so embarrassed to admit how crazy I was when he doesn't even like me... I'm so so embarrassed...

[wlchen]

Heartbroken can heal, but wasted time won't come true! Thank you Matthew!

[verPar]

What kills me is when they are super involved and you fall for that person. The they pull away and play games but still give just enough to keep it going. If you call the change out you're needy, if you say nothing you suffer in silence and overthink.

[GodHelpMe]

The people you attract
are mirroring you inside.
They bring emotions up which you locked away
at some point in your life...

That which hurts
has actually not much to do
with that particular guy,
he just made you feel
what you already had:
inside of you...

Pain is just an emotion that wants to be seen.

When people say '‘you hurt me'‘,
in a way, they actually also say...
"I don’t want to feel what I feel".

They reject a part of themselves.

What happens next?
God sends you the people you need...
To let go, to release, to heal, to evolve, to ascend,
to transmute, to alchemize,
to get this final realization,
to get to the next level...

[VIDEOHEREBOB]

"Willing to discard the wrong people quicker." That is so profoundly true. Awesome Matt!

[Kevti]

I think it’s important to note where this behavioral pattern comes from and heal it at the core. I believe this is the result of abandonment trauma. We are unconsciously attracted to people who are likely to reject us (or act so obsessively they will even if it wasn’t their intention). This is because by making someone avoidant commit to us, we heal ourselves by re-writing the memory of our own abandonment that happened long time go. And if you get intense feelings of attraction for someone early on, it’s often not a divine sign but a sign trauma bond. It’s a sign that this person is going to mirror our trauma back to us so we can finally realize the pattern and break it. And it’s always someone we perceive as a amazing and rare and that’s why it hurts so much when they reject us. However it has to be like this, someone who we’re not that attracted to can never make us evaluate our behavior and decisions. I am sure everyone who can relate to the story in the video has had a pattern of obsessing and very few, if not any normal relationships. And even if you get into one, it’s a constant fear of them leaving or finding you’re not good enough (again the abandonment trauma). That’s why the fantasy is good, no one can hurt or leave you there. And I bet the moment you find another love interest, you completely forget about the previous one, which only confirms you were in love with your imagination. So how to stop this? Heal the abandonment trauma. How? Apparently with meditation and shadow work which can’t say if they’re working, recently started. And create a life that makes you proud of yourself. The more lonely and boring we feel, the more importance we put on people who can bring us even little bits of excitement and we go full circle again. Wish healing to everyone ❤

[Shelsal]

So embarrassed right now but I’m glad this is a thing and I’m not alone. Time to end this obsession 😅

[rebeccaconn]

This behavior is called “limerence” … it often happens when someone is going thru loss, pain or has not had their emotional needs met in past or present relationships … it’s a sign that this person needs healing and needs to learn ways to feel happy “now” and needs to address the wounds that are driving this behavior. I understand … I have been there ❤

[Autumn-jzbw]

That sounds so much like what my therapist told me about living the relationships in my head cause it's safer and I can idealize them

[roboliver]

Just give them enough time to show themselves up for how little they value you and eventually both your head and hear will see it. Then you get enough closure to move on knowing you loved and they didn’t.

[frenchtons]

This video is perfect timing. I’m the biggest obsessor

[dingdong.]

Go find out, stop fantasizing, participate in real world… A great message! Thank you very much Matthew!!❤❤

[EFLDebate]

I can relate to that woman. I’ve been in situations where actually having the conversation is so daunting you feel like you’ve got to strategise it.

[tatjy]

This video couldn't come up at a better time. I've realized pretty late and after a lot of hurt that I get emotionally invested very easily. What has helped me is really focusing on improving myself; life skills, self actualization, even journalling, and eventually I started paying less attention to the guy. Naturally when they see u distancing yourself, they try to come around but the best advise i ever got was to mirror whatever energy and effort they give you.

[mystica_viventem]

''The heart can repair, the thing they never get back is their time.'' - i really needed this. Thank you.

[behnazb]

I love this episode. Fantasizing is dangerous. We don't talk enough about limerence and rejection sensitivity. I find the real struggle may actually be rooted in allowing someone's NO to derail us from our authentic truth. It's authentic to express our truths. We gotta build our courage muscle just as we would build any other habit. This is an important one. It's vulnerable and courageous to take aligned action. But even then we could hear other's NOs. There's a possibility for both. And it's important to remember that is not failing at relationships. It's doing relationships justice and courageously moving on together or apart. But moving on anyway.

[buda]

“We are the Person we take to every is so powerful

[blueberrycream]

Oh wow.. Yeah I totally understand this person from your story..
5 years ago I was working at a coffee shop and one morning a gorgeous marine police officer came to drink a coffee. I never was interested in our clients but the looks he was giving me and smiles were a little different from other client's usual polite ones. Haven't thought about it much but next day he came again even tho there were a lot of other coffee shops much more near the beach he worked on. He kept coming every single morning for a week so even my colleagues started gossiping that he's coming because of me. One day I was doing a night shift and he even asked my colleague about me, if it's my day off cause i'm not there.

In my mind I had already all this love story cause the stares we shared felt so "intense" (can't even explain it) even tho me and my colleagues were kinda "why the hell he's not asking for your number or something like this, he couldn't be more obvious about being interested in you. I was a little shy to ask it myself so I was waiting while fantasizing with this man who's coming every morning all the way here.

Well one morning he came even before the shop was officially open but I said that he can come in and made him coffee while sitting on a table preparing things for the day. He sat on my table drinking his coffee and talking to me. Then even tho I was pretty sure he was single because of all this little "signs" or his strange behavior compared to other clients during the week, I still asked- So, are you single? - to what he responded that he was not, that he has a girlfriend that's in another part of the country. . . . Well, I can't explain how stupid I felt for all this love fantasy scenarios in my head all this days and going along with my colleague's gossips about us. Omg I felt so embarrassed but well, who to blame about it if not my vivid imagination. And yeah, not that it was only my imagination because he actually asked for my number that day and guess he was taking this long while thinking if it's a right thing to do or not while in relationship.. -.-

Anyway, I just learnt that next time something like this happen that I should just take a risk, go for it quicker and sooner ask if the person is single or not to don't waste my time fantasizing about thing that can't even happen cause men in relationships are not something i'm interested in..

But it was a little bit insane to realize that I was feeling all this "passion" and made this "love story" JUST because of the way we looked at each other. Good to know that i'm not the only one who had this crazy feeling out of nothing.. 🥲

[eclipsechen]

Love this one: stop guessing, stop assuming, stop fantasizing, stop future projecting. GO FIND OUT.