Covert Narcissists: The Ultimate Gaslighters

Unlike their grandiose counterparts, covert narcissists are more subdued and subtle in their self-absorbed control. Dr. Les Carter explains that their covert, subtle manner is the perfect cover for gaslighting. He gives multiple illustrations about how they operate in ways to undermine your good plans. But if you are onto their schemes, you can stay out of their games successfully.

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 65,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[stevenstanley]

They keep everything off balance! Remember when you go no contact that you will miss them at first but remember you’re missing who you wish they were!

[AlexFurlong]

Not only does the covert narcissist diminish your strengths and successes, they also exaggerate your weaknesses and failures.

[JHixon-biok]

Your unhappiness, your self-doubt, your self-blame, your misplaced sense of guilt about the narcissist…..is joy for the narcissist! They enjoy making you miserable.

[DavidGiragosian]

There is always an air of contempt from the narcissist as they look down their nose at you.

[AmethystDreaming]

When a parent has done this to you all your life, it fucks you up massively.

[judysangregorio]

Oh yes!!!! They have NO gratitude...and they EXPECT you do continue to be nice to them! They are monsters, and the Board of Education should offer courses in how to recognize gaslighting in grade school!

[danieller]

It’s such a confusing relationship to be in! You never really know where you stand with them. They are always searching for the “next best thing” instead of appreciating what they have in front of them. You’ll forever question your significance in their life! It’s a NEVER ending up hill battle until you decide, enough is enough!

[mariaawake]

The covert narcissist I know deserves an Oscar for being a great actor.

[AnupmaJ]

A typical trait of every narcissist, whether they are covert or grandiose type, is that they will invalidate you, your perception and feelings. They make you feel unheard, unseen, unimportant and even immature. It feels like being in a dark deep hole where no one can hear even if you screamed. It made me feel very lonely and anytime I tried to reach out to others for help, the narcissist at my workplace who had hacked my phone, contacted my acquaintances and sabotaged my connections by spreading lies and negativity.
I never doubted my feelings and perceptions and never stopped believing that I am human enough to be treated with respect and dignity, that my privacy has to be respected and I am not willing to accept abuse from anyone.
Narcissists are dirty, disgusting, inauspicious entities.

[ruebensfilms]

Intuition is your guide when dealing with covert narcissists.

[emilyszatko]

My soon to be ex husband is a covert narcissist. I never thought I’d be married and getting divorced by 28, but I’m SO happy that I don’t have to deal with this person anymore.

[LinYouToo]

Sometimes you have to unfriend people in real life.

[daringgreatly]

It’s hard dealing with these people because their lack of interest and connection ruins families. It would be nice if their behavior only ruined their own lives.

[LyndieLouWho]

They don't have time for anyone who doesn't serve them in some way. Be mindful of when they're hitting you up.

[sheryl]

“They can’t lean into your happiness.” So true! My ex narc lived to be miserable and the constant victim. Ugh, so glad he is in my past. I’m now married to an amazing, kind and loving man who doesn’t have a manipulative or deceitful bone in his body. Total man of my dreams.

[sharonbolton]

Oh yeah, the cynicism is exhausting. I bring something good, and he manages to find something nasty about it. It is depressing and tiring, and they don't understand that it is their behavior makes people draw back from them.

[midk]

These people need to be involuntarily committed as a matter of public safety or required to register someplace at a minimum!

[robinette]

One thing I noticed early on with my CN husband: when the weather was bad and I had to drive, or I was out after dark, etc, he was never the least bit concerned. If I mentioned an encounter with a man that made me uncomfortable, he would just shrug it off rather than worry about me or try to defend me. I couldn’t understand why he had so little regard for my safety.

[raccuia]

The covert narcissist is grandiose but their grandiosity (unlike the overt narcissist) is hidden.

[laurarandolph]

They're not in it for a relationship-- they want to win the game.