Anxious and Avoidant Attachment in Relationships Explained

If you want to learn to build a fulfilling lifelong relationship with the man you love and help him understand and cherish you in return, pick up your copy right now.

Welcome to my channel! I'm Adam Lane Smith, The Attachment Specialist with over 15 years of experience in psychology and relationships. In today's video, I will reveal the key reason why 98% of dating relationships fail and how you can ensure your relationship is among the successful 2%. With my extensive background as a couples therapist and relationship coach, I've developed a proven system to address and fix relationship issues.

In this video, we dive into one of the most common and destructive relationship dynamics: the pairing of anxious attachment styles with avoidant attachment styles. You'll learn:

What is Attachment Theory?

The foundation of how we connect with caregivers as children and how it impacts our adult relationships.
Anxious Attachment Style:

Characteristics, behaviors, and the underlying fear of abandonment.
The spectrum from nurturing to toxic anxious attachment.
Benefits and risks they bring into relationships.
Avoidant Attachment Style:

Characteristics, behaviors, and the underlying belief in the unreliability of others.
The spectrum from ethical to manipulative avoidant attachment.
Benefits and risks they bring into relationships.
The Anxious-Avoidant Trap:

The painful cycle of chasing and running that characterizes these relationships.
The impact on both partners and potential long-term consequences.
Path to Healing:

How both anxious and avoidant partners can become securely attached.
The steps to building a fulfilling and secure relationship together.
Importance of willingness and mutual desire for change.
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Next Steps
Be sure to watch the follow-up video, "Can Anxious Avoidant Relationships Actually Work?" where I go even deeper into the dynamics and provide actionable steps to improve your relationship.

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Chapters:
00:00:00 - The Number One Reason Relationships Fail
00:02:25 - Breakdown of Attachment Relationships
00:04:45 - Anxiously Attached People: Needs and Risks
00:06:52 - Lone Wolf Syndrome and Ethical Avoidance
00:09:10 - The Risks of Avoidant Attachment Styles in Relationships
00:11:27 - The Anxious-Avoidant Cycle
00:13:43 - The Ineffectiveness of Traditional Couples Therapy
00:16:02 - Healing Anxious-Avoidant Relationships
00:18:28 - Willingness to Make Changes in Relationships
00:20:54 - See You There

[asilsdaydream]

This was 100% our relationship. How sad. I wish I could turn back the clock with this information.

[cecilang]

I don’t want to hurt you. I can’t give you what you need. Translation: I will hurt you by refusing to give you what you need. I will stop responding, ghost you and then come back, because I know your anxiety seeks my attention. I keep you captive, I don’t end things, keep you dangling, caring for me, anxious about how I’m doing, all the while I know I’m hurting you, leading you along. There’s a fine line between these people and narcissists. Both are very selfish as well as toxic, to those who have a caring heart. The difference being, the avoidant who loves you may eventually trust you enough to want to change, to keep from losing you forever. The narcissist doesn’t care if you leave. Not really. You have to be careful. That’s why making your needs and boundaries clear is so important. It will sort things out and show you who is who.

[rachelpalmer]

I am crazy about an avoidant and I am an anxious trying to recover to be a better partner because I am aware I am my own worst enemy! Now! This man has so much potential! He’s everything I have prayed for! He’s a good man and he’s done loving things for me BUT he pulls back from time to time and it freaks me out but I know better then to Chase..now

[rachelpalmer]

I’ve gotten better at not chasing and allowing him to
Have space to sort everything out. We aren’t in a relationship but man we have a lot in common and have good communication and fun! He’s just fun! When he’s not running away that is..😉and in recent past I have been guilty of chasing him so I think it’s trust we are trying to build. I have been using the conversation methods advised by Adam and he responds! It’s been awesome!

[trinabaker]

This is the best ... the best ... exolanation of what is going on in my life and in the lives of many people I know.
Thank you for recognizing all of this and trying to help resolve these problems that take lives from so many people. Thank you!

[omnieyasherif]

I can’t even describe how I was waiting for this episode to drop!!!

[rachelpalmer]

I feel this! Gets me emotionally invested then yanks the rug out from underneath me! It hurts a lot! But he doesn’t mean too much

[rachelpalmer]

My avoidiant crush is teaching me and doesn’t even know it 😀

[ambie]

I love the sub categories for each attachment style vs one or the other being demonized. I’m an anxious preoccupied leaning towards secure and my male partner is a dismissive avoidant. I’ve seen the avoidant attachment styles demonized and anxious labeled as toxic to men in general. So I think the sub categories are GREAT!!

[taylord]

This has been a lot of eye opening information. But i would LOVE a video like this, but focusing on two avoidant people together and how we can help each other become secure, or how to get past my partners resistance while also working on my own attachment. Thank you!

[wendydaniel]

Love your honesty about the relationship between anxious and avoidant having children and the outcome of such union.. Good to hear your solutions of hope for such couples after getting therapy prior to having kids. ❤

[Braveheart]

Oh my! This is very us!! Nurturing anxious with an ethical avoidant guy😢

[chanmonymiller]

Maybe you've already done this. But I'd love to watch a video on the difference between toxic and nurturing anxious styles.

[rachelpalmer]

I believe everything you are saying. Now that I am working on getting healthy and trying to speak to him in ways he hears best it has really improved our relationship. I have caused some mistrust by chasing him in the past! It’s only the grace of God he hasn’t completely run for the hills!

[Hysagd]

If one has cptsd and a sensitive nervous system and hormone issues how does one regulate their emotions, especially woman where it's highly correlated those that have adhd have pmdd or pme. Learning about hormones one who has pmdd has estrogen dominance which lowers dopamine even more raises oxytocin which exacerbates emotional oversensitivity.

[svetikchum]

How about if things got worse through the years because avoiding partner got worse, like pulled away, more stopped with the affection and that the other partner is not anxiously attached, but anxiously reacts due to the worsening behavior of the avoidant person

[Buggzter-n-Gallade]

Day 3 trying to watch this. As a female anxious with PTSD (thanks ex-husband!), heavy ADHD.... I struggle to get past that 5 minute mark! But I'm passed it finally.

I think I'm the nurturing attachment. I'm LEARNING to communicate. My mom's parents fought and screamed for years, they all escaped WW2 in Germany so there are issues from that. My dad grew up in a foster family that was super poor and his birth mom would pop in occasion to speak evil words to him. I would cling and beg for what I needed but couldn't communicate what I needed for a LONG time. Only the last couple years have I been able to do more. I broke my own heart for a long time because I couldn't get what I needed, couldn't SAY what I needed, and no one knew how to handle me - and I felt worse than the crud on peoples' shoes and worth nothing.

And for 11:50 - YES. It SUCKS and it's why my current partner and I didn't stay together 20 years ago. Now? We're slowly seeing what might happen, and if we CAN be the person the other needs and wants. I'm learning my own fixes, and he himself has fixed a lot of his issues and is honestly open and able to communicate with me too. Because I'm communicating with him in ways he understands as an avoidant, we are able to figure out what I need and what he needs.

Now he's pushing a bit hard on a couple things.... My kids and I need to move out of our house where we have memories of evil from my ex husband. We are stagnant on that push right now, and my partner has taken it on himself to say "hey I'm going to go do this for you!" and my teen and I are deer-in-headlights anxious now but grateful for the help. My partner knows that I can't have any close interactions in this house, so I THINK he's communicating that he wants to help get me out of here so we can actually see if this is going to work for both us, our shared child, and my younger son.

One day at a time. For the rest of this month, PTSD freak outs from history issues. But after that I know I have a great shot to be the person I need to be and maybe.... just MAYBE reconnect fully with a man I've loved since I was 14.

[december]

What are conversation methods? Would love to know that. Please. Thank you all. Thank you Adam. So glad to see you talked about this. I subscribed and liked. 😅

[sherylpalmer]

How do we sugn up for the free newsletter? I have already been more educated by this site than ANY OTHER source of info, but am on a limited budget. Would love to receive your newsletter. THANK YOU, Adam, for your tremendously helpful "ministry"!

[Philosophizinginpajamas]

This spoke to me on so many levels. Thank you so much, Adam, for the clarity and guidance you keep providing!