Anxious vs Avoidant Attachment Styles & Emotional Pain

[leah_esther]

I don’t suppress my emotions I just don’t show them. I feel very much like an anxious in the body of an avoidant.

[BodeRiis]

I 1000% relate to 15:40 of the anxious attachment style feeling like there is no way to stop emotional pain without co-regulating, the analogy being if you stubbed your toe it would just keep hurting at the same level of intensity until someone came along and fixed it. I feel the same with emotional pain, I can sit with emotional distress for days, weeks, sometimes even months, and if I don't have someone to co-regulate through it with, or if Im not able to "fix" it by solving the problem through actions, it just stays at the same level indefinitely. I've been trying to learn what self-regulation is, but I still don't get how to do it.

I'm 32 years old and I only learned this year that some people can go away with their feelings and "process" them and come back more regulated. I just assumed that people were going away to co-regulate with someone else, or that I just feel emotions more deeply than others but that they still sit with feelings at the same intensity for ages, the intensity just being lower.

All these resources online telling me that self-regulation is just taking a few deep breaths and removing myself from a situation until I've "processed." But what is this process? How does it work? What do I do to make it happen? I name the emotion, I feel it, I take some breaths, I tell myself that I'm safe. Then it just, stays... For ages. Until I talk to a friend or a therapist about it, and that sometimes helps.

Your content has been such an incredible resource for my healing journey this year. I feel a deep amount of gratitude towards you, Heidi, for the resources you make.

[burt]

There's a lot of very decent pop psyc stuff around but Heidi is in a league of her own. The precision and level of detail is unmatched.

[lalababayaga]

The subtle subconscious reactions caregivers have to negative emotions in children who later become mildly avoidant people… it took awhile and a lot of therapy for me to realize my emotions and needs were unintentionally treated like a “burden” or “inconvenience” by my parents (esp my mom). And I totally internalized that! I always feel like I’m bugging people and my own negative emotions feel “inconvenient” rather than useful or productive.

[Dd]

Attachment is formed in childhood because we are born with an innate knowing that our survival, both physical and emotional, depends on our caregivers. Therefore, we "adapt to the love that is available to us". Meaning, we will adapt to the attachment style of the parent or caregiver we are closest to. If our parent is avoidant or anxious, which is essentially a model for our relationship to intimacy both with other and self, we will learn how to respond to that caregiver in a way that keeps them available to care for us and ensure our survival. However, in adapting to this caregivers emotional style, we take on many other personal traits that end up forming the foundation and development of our personality. That was a little wordy, but hopefully makes sense. Read how to raise a secure child if you want an accessible, but also detailed explanation of all this stuff!

[ceciliaruns]

My father died when my mother was pregnant with me. My mother said that when he died she cried for months and I'm sure she was not coping well when I was born. She moved back into my grandma's house and was raised by my grandma mostly while my mom worked. I'm sure this had a profound effect on me as I've had attachment issues my whole life with very strong emotions especially sadness. My mother became verbally and physically abusive to myself, my sister and my step sisters when she remarried when I was 4. I am now at 50, after an abusive marriage, discovering that I need to do so much healing work.

[roycohen.]

You really have to feel bad if you get caught up in a relationship with an avoidant (and realize it after). They didn't choose to be that way, and they didn't even consciously do anything to reject you. It's not your fault, but sadly, we cannot fix people who don't even realize they have a problem in the first place.

[chrisd]

Its also important to note that neither attachment style is the equivalent of being broken or defective. Your attachment style is the natural adjustment or compensation to protect you emotionally as an infant. You should probably thank your attachment style for saving your life as a child. Because your caregivers placed you on the path of emotional harm. The problem is that these protection strategies no longer serve us as adults. But, our bodies and brains lack a natural mechanism to discard the attachment style. So, as adults, we need to take responsibility for doing that for ourselves - so we can have healthy relationships that enable our emotional growth as healthy adults.

[EsseQuamVideriSeen]

Oblivious Attachment! Wow!! That's actually what it was for me.

I was just living my life in my own domain, completely oblivious to my own pain and to the pain of others.

Now the blinders have been lifted and I'm no longer oblivious but now I need to resensitize my emotional pain receptors and accept the fact emotional pain is okay because it's a sign something is wrong.

Thanks for pointing this out!

[Ayesha_F]

You'd make a really good professor. You're extraordinarily good at this.

[bettyluvs]

I really enjoy listening to you. You have a way of describing this topic that resonates and provides a deeper understanding of why I behave the way I do.

I laughed when you revealed the "new names" for the attachment styles; Oblivious (Avoidant) & Obsessive (Anxious). It does describes them better, in my opinion. 😉

[velvetwahl]

At 11:25 I realized why my dad used to get so angry and shut down emotions immediately. This unearthed a lot of memories of him yelling, and I'm realizing why I have feared him so much. Finding this channel has truly helped me discover what I've felt my entire life but could never put into words or understand, especially with toxic shame. Thank you so much!

[joewk]

My ex was an Oblivious trait, I struggled to cope with her coldness, gosting, over sensitivity to anything and she constantly said she can never change her ways. I stayed with her for 4 years because I loved her so much but time came when I couldn't cope anymore. My ex's avoidant behaviour started very early in her life after losing her dad very young and by age 13 she began to be independent and survived almost on her own. She's a person who can't express love emotions. At somepoint she brought shirts from the store but asked me to pay for them instead of giving them to me as gift. One time I gave a nice necklace to say sorry for something bad I had done, she took it, but I did not she her wear it at all. When she got infected with COVID-19 she chose not to tell about and stayed back alone at apartment.

[jamiecash]

I just want to thank you. Your videos have helped me so much.

As an avoidant who bypasses her emotions by excessive and exhaustive learning…. I have watched literally dozens of videos on attachment and yours stand out in so many positive ways.

It’s very clear you are a natural at this and I truly appreciate you!

[Fefe]

I am anxious avoidant in a relationship with a extremely avoidant man for 5 years. I have been in a lot of pain the last few years - these videos are helping me so much. Understand myself & hopefully heal - can’t afford a therapist but doing ACA now. Thx u - u r brilliant

[DirectFireDave]

Really like how you said it’s a spectrum! My aha moment was that I feel my attachment style is currently close to secure while still displaying some occasional behaviors that I would categorize as fearful avoidant. I alternate between what I was taught as a child (avoidant, tough, etc.) and occasionally anxious attachment when I have someone that I know is sensitive and wants to spend a lot of time with me, it’s like I mirror that.

[TheHouseOffice]

Please make more like this. You explain it better than anyone else I've seen.

[kenburwood]

"Double the work, but double the reward"! Nice little mind game to play on myself to see the silver lining :D I love looking at things from new perspectives! Thanks Heidi!

[just_natii]

Ou man, i was all my life so confused und now im realize that im the fearful-avoidant style. So thanks to you for this valuable information🙏

[ZiliaVing]

You are so wise and intelligent and knowledgeable.. I'm blown Please, write a book!