DISORGANIZED ATTACHMENT: HEALING YOUR CHRONIC ANXIETY AND AVOIDANCE

This video describes the common and chronic swinging from Anxious to Avoidant attachment that occurs within Disorganized/Fearful Attachment styles and steps you can take to work on your Disorganized Attachment dynamics.

Intro research quote from Brown/Elliot's "Attachment Disturbances in Adults"

******FOR MORE INFORMATION ONLINE COURSES AND FREE CHECKLIST:

ATTACHMENT COACHING PROGRAM:

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Please check out my courses (LINK ABOVE):

1. BORDERLINE AND NARCISSISTIC PARENTS: HEALING AND DEALING WITH YOUR TRAUMA

(*This course is designed specifically for you if you were raised by parents who had Narcissistic, Borderline or significantly Emotionally Immature parents.)

2. RE-MOTHERED: TRANSFORM YOUR WOUNDED INNER CHILD INTO AN INTERNALIZED, LOVING "MOTHER"

(***This course is designed to help you learn to heal your inner child AND your inner parent if you experienced a complicated childhood or challenging relational wounds).

3. IDENTIFYING CHILDHOOD EMOTIONAL ABUSE AND NEGLECT (FREE COURSE)

*****CHECKLIST IS INCLUDED IN ALL 3 COURSES!!*******

xo

* Additionally, I am only able to work with California residents for weekly therapy once available. If you are interested, please also add in a few brief details in your email including your reasons for seeking treatment, current diagnoses, concerns, etc.

VIDEO CLIP CREDITS: PEXELS.COM

[dieresis]

Deciding to make time for myself each day was a turning point for me. I developed a friendship with our associate pastor, a quiet, nerdy person like me. He invited me to attend a meditation workshop. After attending, I decided to carve out 10 minutes each day to meditate. About 6 months into the practice, a memory returned to me of myself trembling in my bed while my parents argued in the kitchen. I also had a series of dreams where I was being chased by a dark, faceless figure and I would wake up feeling terrified. In one dream, I resolved to face the figure, and when I did the night turned to day and i found myself looking into my own face as a child. The face had a big smile. I then awoke feeling peaceful. The scary dream never returned. As I thought back over my childhood, I found myself seeing that child’s face and retelling the stories of my past to him, which was a deeply healing process. My mis-wiring still causes issues at times, e.g. making me way too tolerant of inconsistent behavior in others, but in general I find myself enjoying each day no matter what life brings. Unknowingly, I probably was doing what people now call inner-child work, and if so, I highly recommend it.

[fossilresin]

Wow, as a usually too self-aware disorganized attachment girl who has spent a decade+ over-intellectualizing her childhood and endlessly researching towards self improvement, I have NEVER heard it put this way so thoroughly, honestly, compassionately, and in such a solution-minded way. I feel so seen and humanized instead of only described as broken beyond repair 💗 A huge thank you for your expertise and vulnerability!!

[wolvie_b]

It really is so hard not to feel responsible for everyone else's feelings and state of mind with this attachment style. When you can't make someone happy you feel like a failure and it can trigger your shame too. Seems like this is a big way this happens for me

[tonencento]

The part where you say 'it's ok, you're loved, you're lovable, you're not perfect and love you anyway' just made me cry. i need to say that more often to me

[Laura-etxj]

“Kids will always choose attachment.”
The amount of anger and shame I’ve felt because in my childhood and adolescence I kept (over and over, and over again) trying to resolve conflicts with my mom, opening up to her only to be shut down and further shamed/blamed? Those feelings have often felt so immense and insurmountable. But the idea that kids will always choose attachment cuts through a large amount of the shame and anger.
Thank you!

[hollyl]

One of the most helpful things I did, once I reaized I never felt heard at the dinner table as a child, was to ask God to hold little girl me and agree with me that life isn't fair. The Lord then spoke to me very gently and said, "I can't change that, but I will be with you through it all and I promise to work it for your good."

[IanuaDiaboli]

The accuracy of the childhood description gave me chills. I thought I was anxious, but realized that I feel safer when alone.

[elysegambino]

I sat with a cold pack on my swollen eyes from sobbing last night, feeling so unloved and burdensome and unwanted by my parents. I love your gentle and authentic delivery. Your wisdom and kindness awaken my inner parent. I’m here for myself, imperfections and all. I am worthy.

Thank you! (And coco of course!)

[sarahphillips]

Omg i used to maladaptive daydream for hours as a child, but i have to say it saved me. It was too scarry to be there fully

[purplefinch]

I was also parentified. My mom told me everything about her life and I was her counselor a lot of the time

[lacydear]

I am 36 years old and I’ve always wondered what was wrong with me. I have never understood why I react the way I do to people and situations. I couldn’t explain myself to me, let alone to others. I’ve unintentionally self-sabotaged so many friendships and relationships…I never felt calm and I felt like my life was an emotional roller coaster. After watching your videos I feel like I finally understand myself and I feel at peace with myself. I know healing from disorganized attachment and having a BPD mother will be a very long journey, but I can’t tell you how much your videos have helped me. Thank you so much, please don’t stop posting your content.

[artisticagi]

13:03 actually speaking up for yourself feels like conflict
13:23 work on your nervous system
13:42 recognize when you are numbing and shutting down

[ThisMelMel]

It’s like you were explaining my life. PTSD with disorganized attachment and narcissist parents, trying to heal generational trauma without my mother to help me make sense of it all. It’s hard but I think I am now good enough. I pray that’s enough.

[LesleySASMR]

When you said that you always went to your room and Was always alone… I had to rewind because I thought you were speaking right to me. My parents STILL complain to me that I always go hide in my room. It feels safer.

[poshperfect]

This is unreal. I’ve finally found someone who understands me and what I’ve been through. It’s no wonder I’m unhappy in my life and in my relationships.

I wish I had found your content sooner! I have spent years and thousands on therapy. “Attachment styles” were never discussed with any of the “trained professionals”.

I wish that I could afford to hire you now! Thank you for making this content accessible and free on YouTube. I will continue to follow you as I know that you will help me greatly.

I’m hopeful that you will post more about your own story if you’re willing. I’m curious to know how things went with your divorce and if you have any advice on limiting the trauma we can pass onto our children.

[anointedhealthcoach]

Being a parent Is the hardest thing i have ever done in my life. I want to offer compassion to my parents despite my story because It probably wasnt easy for them either.

[danettelawrence]

On one hand this makes me cry for all of us, and our children, if we have them. On the other hand, we made it this far, and that deserves a round of applause! My mother was an undiagnosed mess. She died over 2 years ago after me going no contact for about seven years. It was hard to break free, but I just couldn't and wouldn't deal with her disproportionate anger, and general lack of interest in me anymore. Before she died, I sat bedside for a few weeks and asked forgiveness if I was a bad daughter in any way. I also extended deep forgiveness to her. It was a part of my perpetual healing path. Interestingly, about six months after her passing, I felt a freedom I had never previously known. I have taken the mantras: I am safe and I am worthy, I can handle whatever comes and it will be ok. Presence and grace. Work in progress here. Dr. Kim, I appreciate you! Thank you! Thank you!

[PJAndersson]

As soon as the video started playing I started crying. It hurts me so much to think of a child in pain or sad, not feeling loved.

[LindyWYID]

Oh how I wish I’d found this when I was 20 instead of 63 but still glad I found you. Explains so much!

[MayanPrincess]

Thank you for making this video. I have just now realized I have disorganized attachment. My mother was a very violent, unpredictable borderline mom with her own childhood trauma that my sisters and I had to always be understanding about. She was “loving” and would snuggle me but it was always too harsh snuggles, or smothering me with tight hugs after a long time of not being available. She was always working, angry or sleeping from working. I wasn’t allowed to be a child. If I was laying on the couch I would be yelled at to get up and clean something. I to this day don’t sit down or take a break for myself with my kids bc I feel like I’m being “lazy” even if I haven’t sat down all day besides to breastfeed the baby or to feed my 3 year old.

Then I get so tired that I feel like I’m going to blow up and I cry—-crying makes me angry—-the anger makes me feel incapable and the snowball effect goes wild.

I’m having such a rough time regulating my emotions bc I’m the main parent for 12-14 hours a day every day, 7 days a week.

I think I need to start working out again bc it is the only thing that helps me