Why Splitting on Your Partner Is Actually More Painful Than You Think

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Order The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook by Dr. Fox:

If you're struggling in your relationship, this video is for you. I'll share with you the why and the how of splitting, and explain the concepts of BPD and Dr. Fox. I hope that by the end of this video, you'll have a better understanding of why splitting can be so difficult and painful.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

[Ms-Genie]

For the people in the comments, we may have different symptoms, experiences and reasons for why we developed BPD. But the fact that you are here trying to work on yourself and become a better person for yourself and others speaks volume. I wish you all the best on your journey, know that you're not alone even when things are at its darkest and that you are valuable. I believe we all can beat this!

[Snap]

I was in a seven month relationship with someone with BPD and it was definitely a roller coaster ride. Being in the helping field myself, I felt guilty about reacting to things “I should know better” (here I go with should statements) about when it was clearly her splitting. Having some time apart made me realize that dating someone with mental health concerns, it is not solely up to me to make it work as she didn’t seek help when she knew what was wrong.

I don’t wish anything but good her direction because when things were good, she was probably the most loving person I’ve ever dated. People with this condition aren’t monsters and most definitely aren’t having fun treating people the way they do.

[kdttlrm]

What’s hard is knowing you are splitting, having the ability recognize it and the reasons behind it but not being able to stop the emotion. I hate having all the tools available to comprehend myself but being able to totally separate the logic from the feeling. I wish I was able to make the feeling go away.

[aldebaranredstar]

I split when people don’t appreciate when I make an effort—then I feel defeated like there’s no use in trying.

[ArcticAirUltraPro]

I do love how you always remind us BPD is the most treatable personality disorder, and we are here because we care

[zrcioct]

I never realised how painful it was to have a person split on you until I met another person with BPD I got close with. It really hurt having the same things done to me that I had done to others. I'm a lot more understanding when people ultimately say that they can't be with me anymore. I've spent years working on my splitting and still even now I realise I'm very black and white. I just wish I could see the truth in the situation and not feel so strongly.

[CatsArePeopleToo]

I've done this all my life and never knew there was a name for it or that it wasn't something everybody did. I've learned so much.

[GhANeC]

It’s been for sure the worst relationship in my life. Being this someone’s fp. And that’s a horribly sad thing to say. Because it’s been with an otherwise beautiful person. But it’s been horribly prolonged, traumatising and damaging. And there’s no resolve in sight, only probable worsening or further trauma. I struggle to remember good times or have joy contemplating on possibility of further good times. Or contemplate any future with them, without dread or anxiety. I think the fact that i was born to parents having that kind of relationship, if not both having high undiagnosed levels of bpd/bipolar/adhd, broke and distorted me in ways i never fully realised, and made me much more vulnerable, susceptible and sensitive to relationships like this. Because now that I’m discovering all of this I’m also discovering I’ve had these relationships before. And i must change things, one way or another, better or worse, can’t do this anymore.

[FriskyTendervittles]

Going through a breakup because he thinks I’m hateful
All I’ve done over the years is bring up concerns and express issues or times he’s hurt me
He thinks I’m the worst and he’s the worst
I’m devastated and extremely heartbroken
He can’t fathom that a person can have wonderful qualities and still make mistakes

[keylzuk]

Thank you, I get frustrated with myself for getting emotional, but I feel intensely. I struggle to trust but know why. Your videos content, approach, tone and considerate articulation is therapy in itself.

[DanielleBaylor]

I wish my partner would come across these videos. I want to share them with her, but I've learned the hard way not to point out things. We're stuck in this cycle. She's in therapy, but that seems to be starting even more problems. Her therapist doesn't see the things I see, only what she lets her see in those short sessions.

[bladudemovies]

I read the title as “Why *spitting* on your partner is more painful than you’d think”

[KTKaute]

Splitting happens for me when someone hurts me (such as cheating on me). When I was untreated, my fear of abandonment was so severe that I would stay and split on someone rather than be healthy and walk away. I would stay in abusive situations because I didn't want to leave them or them leave me. I did 15 years in therapy, now I have healthy boundaries and because of that I split alot less because I walk away instead now if someone does something to betray me or abuse me

[thelovely]

I do this a lot with everyone in my life and it's hard to manage sometimes. I've learnt how to talk myself out of it at times because splitting teamed with impulsivity leads to me blocking and unblocking or feeling like my friends don't really like me and I should distance myself.

[porknbeans]

I just have to say thank you so much for saying BPD is easily treated! I was told most therapists see us as hopeless incurable patients and that most refuse to treat us! I thought this was a life sentence to live in pain. You have given me hope, thank you so much!

[Reborn_Enthusist]

I appreciate the time you take to help us/others

[mystrose]

This will be perfect for sharing in the BPD subreddit. So many people ask why they are so on and off with their partners. Thanks!

[edgreen]

I wasn't sure if you were gonna talk re: ghosting or the defense mechanism. Splitting involves a narrative which needs to be checked out. Those who use splitting and the degree you use it can cause a decrease in reality testing.Reduction in judgment ; negative views of self, other, the world. Situations in which you split is very important. Not it's horrible ; it's difficult and won't last forever. Also if your prone to splitting in situations focus on the environment say red or colorful thing around you and count them.
Recognize it's a trauma response and your not terrible; the world isn't terrible but difficult. Use techniques you have learned like dbt. It's the belief that causes the story you tell yourself and there could be other reasons for someone acting a certain way. Action- belief- consequence to quote Ellis.

[KatBlack]

Thank you Dr Fox. Could you do a video on strategies for getting our loved ones with bpd, to get help. I am 100% all in helping but, if he doesnt think he needs help, its frustrating. He knows something is wrong, and I honestly think he is extremely anxious about what he will hear.

[askew]

Thank you for this doc. Newly diagnosed…this is exactly what I was experiencing that led me to be evaluated for a diagnosis. I was sent on my way, by my favorite person, they wouldn’t tolerate this behavior any longer. I’m in therapy and making changes to become a better version of myself.