Unveiling the Secrets: Dealing with Partner Splitting on You

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

In this video, we're going to talk about how to deal with the tough situation where your partner splits on you. If you're feeling like your relationship is in trouble, then this video is for you. I'll discuss the common causes of splitting on partners, and offer some tools to help you through the tough times. We'll also discuss how to deal with black and white thinking, and how to increase your resilience in tough times.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:



Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

In this video, we're going to discuss what to do when your partner splits on you. If you're struggling with all or nothing thinking, or black and white thinking, then this video is for you! NPD NPD tea

[PONYHEAVEN]

The day when I stopped giving that splitting behaviour value, my life got way easier, more peaceful.

[milmn]

I have already learned to not fight back when this happens and wait until things calm down. What I'm in need of is some advice on how to emotionally cope with my partner splitting. Even though I know it's their condition talking and not what they actually really think and feel about me, getting pushed away hard out of the blue is still so painful and scary. I can't focus on anything until the conflict is cleaned up.

[misstricksee]

First of all I want to thank you! I feel like you have a BIG heart for those who struggle with BPD. Your content is extremely valuable. As a wife who's been married to someone with BPD for 27 years (not realizing what we were really up against until 3 years ago), this is my greatest struggle. I can't disregard the human side of me sometimes. Most times when my husband is splitting, I am able to recognize it and seperate myself. And then there are those times where the comments are just harsh and it makes me wonder if he really feels that way about me. And I throw the "How dare you say that I have NEVER try to consider how your feeling." I dedicated 27 years to considering how you're feeling. To giving you the benefit of the doubt. To holding on to the hope that someday you'll choose me and your kids over alcohol. 27 years of loving you, supporting you. Years of research in trying to understand what makes you tick and ways that I can respond better. Don't you EVER say I've never considered your feelings." This while the iron is hot and it never ends good. But here's where I feel like I add fuel to the fire in the most unseen way and I don't know how to gain the courage to do differently. When things are going well (he's in a good head space) I feeling like bringing up things like this just bring his mind back onto that negative, self shaming head space. Mentioning anything like that could have an extremely negative response, so starts the "Walking on eggshells". It's a vicious cycle. My husband has asked on multiple occasions why I stay with him. My answer "Because in between the BPD moments, is this great guy and you give me enough of him to remember that he's still in there." And I'm not referring to the love bombing side of him. I'm talking about the caring, compassionate, funny, intelligent guy that I married. I don't want to be love bombed. It's overwhelming and smothering. And if I were to be honest right now, at this point in our marriage, I feel like his mom, his therapist, and his caretaker and very rarely his wife. But I love this man. And I see my children struggling with mental health issues... and now having for the first time in my life struggled with the trauma of being in a long relationship with someone with BPD, it refuse to give up and I'm choosing a path to better understand it and not RUN from it! So I guess my question is, am I being realistic in thinking that it's possible to learn, heal, grow and keep this marriage together?

[MrGpoulin]

I was in a relationship with a partner with BPD. She could be adorable, but when she wa ssplitting she could become very destructive. Destructive of me, and of the relationship. Se would call the relationship off, and end up in the arms of some other guy in the matter of days. What Dr. Fox says makes a lot of sense, but in this case there's litteraly nothing I could do to protect myself other than part ways with her. And that's what I did. It took me years to rebuild myself. Some people with BPD are just unbearable and too destructive.

[idontknowwhatnametopick..]

Yeaahhh... i dont know. I love Dr. Fox and he is solid. After so many years of being split on, you dont want to do this anymore. You just would rather leave. Being a punching bag, while hoping for breadcrumbs of happiness is not worth all of the emotional abuse in the moment..

[Fururu]

I think it is key to work on not needing validation from the other person. When you seek that validation it feels world shattering when the other person splits and you feel misunderstood. I think it is a codependency problem.

[breakingdown]

Oh my goodness. Bless you Dr Fox. I struggle with symptoms of ptsd, now that I started to work with a therapist and unpack the burden of past aches. Not only do I experience splitting, but also does my partner. We both had heavy childhoods and not easy lifes. This video taught me a lot. I am endlessly grateful 🙏

[abc-mtus]

My wife was raised as a scapegoat by her father. She was abused mentally and physically since young. She have low self esteem, codependence, indecisive, people pleaser and also have BPD traits. She tend to splitting on me viewing me as the best husband in a world and also viewing me as the most bad husband when things don't go her way. It's tiring to deal with. I'm trying to help her for healing journey as I'm as well already on healing journey from my golden child syndrome trauma caused by my narcs father. The point is,
it is hard to go on healing journey when my wife did not go at the same pace of healing like me. For example, she still addicted to a toxic man figure in her life, while I was actually try to quit from being toxic.

[tinaarmstrong]

I am so thankful for your channel I’ve been struggling to help my partner understand what’s happening and that he is probably borderline as well and seeing some of these comments it’s both of us, we both have different reactions and the the trauma trigger from childhood. I have been working in my mental health and have been in the hospital a few times and have learned to know when I’m heading towards being reactive but it’s so hard when you’re being out through the verbal torment and then have to be loving. I made it 8 years before finally getting so provoked I decided to show him I win when it comes to insulting your weaknesses . I remember what it was like when I had my self image shattered to bite and I promised myself I would never to there. I’m hating myself pretty hard right now

[bisquit_cream]

Just found your channel and it makes me almost cry. I was just diagnosed with borderline after years of wrong diagnoses. It is still hard, and often I feel hopeless. But your channel gives me new hope and teaches me so much ❤️ you are doing a great and important work🙏

[TerryGuzmanMartinez]

Thanks a lot. Sometimes I prefer not to continue speaking with him until some hours later or the next day.

[amynaddra]

This happened just today where we both were splitting. “Never and always” words used. After journaling my thoughts out, I left my daughter a voice mail that was honest about what were some underlying stressors we are both dealing with. It made sense. I just wish I would have reacted better but I was triggered for sure. Working out more in the DBT workbook. I kept hearing that term maladaptive behavior in my head and I chose not to let that temptation in. Yay Thank you!!!

[dreaa]

I appreciate you Dr. Fox for taking time to make these videos available for us. I've made it a rountine to listen to your videos on my way to work and home. I'm learning how to regulate my emotions to go on to live a better life. All thanks to you!❤

[lordofthstrings]

This is a great video! My struggle is with how to disengage when iron gets hot (and it gets hot fast). Would love to see a video about that as well

[jabbaj]

What if bringing up the topic when all is calm re triggers them and creates another split?

[rosenfaden]

It was super cute when you said they'd be worried about being poked in the eye. Very good way to remember that. Thank you! 💞

[MediaMonsterJ]

Fantastic advice for me and my partner!

Im excited to try this out so we can both grow and communicate our feelings without fear of hurting one a other.

Cheers Dr Fox, this is invaluable information!

[Nobody-Nowhere]

They don't split on you, they are always living in a split. The splitting is constant.

[KtotheGful]

I've scoured youtube for a video like this, I finally feel validated and given an explanation for what I've been experiencing. Thank you!

[tymo]

I'm going through this right now with a friend. Thanks for the good timing Dr!