How Splitting is Killing Your Relationship

Splitting can destroy love, and it's one of the quickest ways to get your relationship in trouble. In this video, I'm going to teach you how to identify when you're splitting, and how to deal with it. By understanding splitting, you'll be able to prevent it from destroying your love relationship!

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.
00:00 Introduction
00:24 Identify your splitting
02:09 Splitting builds resentment
03:15 What do to when partners split
03:40 Talking about splitting
04:15 Calm state of mind
05:23 Resolving the split
05:41 Your relationship without splitting

[katieg]

Thank you for normalizing splitting. It’s a human response to threat. Maybe in the present it’s an overblown response but your emotional brain remembers a time when abandonment and rejection were existentially threatening. Knowing your triggers is super helpful, but also being able to soothe yourself and understand that now you are safe, that you will be okay even if you are rejected or abandoned now you can still be there for yourself and keep going.

[paige]

i hate hate hate splitting. it’s my absolute worst symptom. i feel like two people in one body. thanks for making this video

[Amused_Comfort_Inc]

When my partner assumes im splitting when im bringing up a real issue that keeps happening, is the most frustrating. Its really hard to convince someone your mental disorder doesnt run your entire life anymore, when they watched it destroy you for years.

[Lisa-swrt]

I can't thank you enough for the hope you give me. I just committed to myself to watching at least one of your videos everyday and this was today's I don't know I can only hope that when I share this with my partner it will help the relationship but if not it's helping me. I'm struggling so incredibly bad to stabilize and I'm determined I know one of the things I must change is not only my self talk but my wording in boundaries and the things that must change I cannot continue to say something like I really need my environment to not be so chaotic. To my environment will be less chaotic and this is how I'm going have it happen if people in my life don't agree it's going to be ok they just won't be able to be in that environment it's their choice not because I'm mean but because I'm determined to live myself again to not allow BPD to be so prevalent in my life and your videos help me so much I can't wait until I can order your stuff thank you again

[thereisnosanctuary]

We were headed for Splitsville, anyway.

[juliejarrett]

Excellent video Dr. Fox……my ex husband did this. I never understood it but knew it was a personality thing and not good! Thank you!

[KattyNat]

Wasn't expecting this to highlight splitting from *both* partners at once so much. My partner hasn't split on me, to my knowledge, but since she's an empath I realise it's still a possibility she could end up taking my own splitting and replicating it in herself one day, so thank you for helping ensure that if that day comes we can work through it even better; communication is the lifeblood of a relationship!

[NADN.]

You're awesome 👌 You're right about one or both people getting exhausted from the cycles until you do something about it. My partner and I started counseling because of the ups and downs and especially the push and pull - he didn't understand that part nor neither did I. Until the therapist pointed out BPD symptoms during the 4th or 5th session. It was a hard hit for me but also the insight i needed to get better and not sabotage a safe and actually great relationship I have right now. The naming it definitely helped a lot and my partner and I both see separate therapist because keep in mind (to the people who experience BPD), not everything is you! most times your partner also has their history of trauma or developmental struggles that is also affecting their reactions and which may trigger you unknowingly- we're all trying to survive in a safe environment logically but not logic to the body/mind. Awareness allows us to heal. Dr. Daniel, you're definitely my youtube therapist - you educate us on such core truths and understanding of what's actually going on underneath the surface. 🙏 Thankful!

[waelbaheg]

I was just looking for this issue .thank you❤❤

[rodrigokk]

Hey Daniel how can I support your channel ? Thank you very much for all you do.

[marg]

Thank you....very very well explained! 💐wow, really great! 👌 It's helpful for You are really doing an excellent work . I cannot say that often enough. Thank you 🙏

[RAMomofTD]

When my husband splits nothing I can say gets through to him. Even me staying calm and level toned makes the split worse. His splits can last for 2-3 days. Suggestions to cool off, do our own thing does not work. How do you heal if this behavior has gone on for a decade? Your spouse has made poor financial or parenting decisions on a split?

[kareninman]

My partner has explosive bpd! He splits and he also projects what he does and the very behavior that he has been doing for the last 9 years. He has very very distorted ways that he looks and says things. He seriously needs help! And will not do it. And unfortunately he has been doing the same thing for many years as he is 62 and 5 marriage relationships into his bpd and no grasp of the manipulating damage he is facing and has done. Can u please do a series on projecting their manipulating ways of what they are doing and then reverse it telling the other person that's what they are doing.seems like it's a pattern and a program of vile manipulation to where they never have to face or be accountable for their damagi, g unhealthy thinking! The stuff that comes out of their mind !!!😢

[paulcoyle]

If only it was just 15 minutes that I was split on. 18 months now and counting. Yin and Yang is not a good metaphor for splitting, as it is about the union of opposites. There is always yin within the yang and yang within the yin and neither do they represent good and bad. We need both to be a whole person. It's better as a metaphor for unsplitting.

[KTKaute]

I have to deal with so much neglect and coldness in my relationship with an aspie man that im constantly splitting and disappearing. Aspies and BPD are the worst match ever

[oceanetrole]

Hello ☺️ I wanted to know if you did online meeting ?

[Misunderstood_]

Many of today's employers who offer a livable wage and insurance are no longer 9 to 5 gigs. Some employers may require 24/7 availability. How would you suggest individuals living with BPD handle this? Unfortunately, everyone doesn't have the option to have a controlled schedule. Could this be why most people living with these disorders remain unemployed.

[surfreadjumpsleep]

so if my ex split on me 4 months ago when I had to leave town & i did not contact her as she asked me not to.. then when I got back I asked if she'd like to see me & she said no.. she had not changed her mind. And now it's 4 months... is there any way to come back together? It's frustrating because really the only problem between us was that I had to leave town.

[critter_paws]

I suggested my partner write out some "known" things about us/me when regulated. Things change and evolve of course but not in a moment, so there would be a logical chain that happens more slowly and then the "knowns" can change. Not all at once.
He isn't really doing any treatment so idk if that would be helpful but it sounds like it to me, anyone have thoughts on that? (Not about my relationship or partner, just the idea/tactic)

[robbytheartist]

I split

I split on wife, no contact... She refused to get treatment. Diagnosed while married. Marriage is supposed to be working on each other to makes ourselves better for our spouse and ourselves. When she decided she Didn’t want to do that. It was over in my mind. Cuz even if its was a defense mechanism that I might not even be necessary responsible for, I still had to deal with the abuser.

Also, it made me out to look like the villian.

Im not a villain! I'm a vigilante. #JusticeWasServerd #InCourt 😂😂😂