Splitting & Borderline Personality Disorder

When someone has BPD they tend to see people as all good or all bad. Meaning that someone who is good cannot make a mistake and someone who is bad cannot be kind or thoughtful. Relationships are black or white. All or nothing.
What I find interesting and kind of ironic, is that people who are in relationships with people who use splitting as a defense mechanism tend to see the BPD person as horrible, hurtful, and just bad. It’s almost like splitting causes a self-fulfilling prophecy or is self sabotage for the BPD person.. And that sucks.
By separating people out like this, those with BPD could think that they are protecting themselves from getting hurt or feeling abandoned because if someone shows some “bad” signs then they get rid of them, and end that relationship right away. But what this actually ends up doing is pushing everyone in our life away, and leaving us isolated and alone. It can be very hard to notice when we are doing it and even harder to stop.

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[blueberries]

I’ve destroyed every relationship through splitting. There’s only so much people can take, and regardless of the good times, the bad times are the only ones they remember

[breahgardiner]

I know when I'm splitting but I cant help it. I always feel like no one is emotionally validating me, so I let myself feel intensely. But as you said it causes more hurt.

[eloisenewman]

Also, does anyone else get more of a ‘I need to protect them from me’ or ‘thy hate me so I must stay away’ then the feeling of needing to protect yourself? I don’t know if it’s normal or not.

[marleyabbott]

yes this is exactly what i needed!! i was asking someone, "how do you know if someone likes you?" because i genuinely have no idea because i think that everyone hates me and have been thinking that for so long

[celinesulsters]

I just got diagnosed with bpd. I think the hardest thing about it is that you feel deeply alone and need other people while it's really hard to find that healthy balance in relationships and not feel rejected all the time.

[iamashape]

I didn't even know splitting was a thing, and just thought that this was how everyone saw each other. Great vid

[jessxo]

I honestly thought everyone did this. Lmao. The more research I did on BPD the more that I realized I was very, very wrong. I'm slowly learning more and more about myself and I why I do the shit that I do. I'm getting better at coping. Some days are harder than others. I found that journaling and meditation have worked really well for me. Just gotta take it one day at a time.

[hippogriffgrrl]

This is something that has been on my mind recently... I have always been that person who puts people on a pedestal and then am devastated when they disappoint me somehow and then I hate them. Thank you so much for this--it gave me a lot of helpful advice!

[evasilke]

Wow, perfect timing for me... and as a BPD person, I see splitting in myself so badly. For me splitting really is terrible

[lisasnoozy]

Splitting is hard in other diagnoses too especially ptsd. You already know people can abandon or hurt you. What then? Help!!! Love your videos Kati!

[icesyckel]

I’m a victim of this with my ex-wife, and now my kids indirectly are too. It cost her custody and most of her visitation bc she started inventing things to support her black (vs white) narrative and then went through (split from) 4 attorneys until #5 finally got her somehow to stand down. I tell you this bc if you have bpd, then splitting will hurt you and your family/kids. I pray for my ex to get help, but she won’t acknowledge she has a problem in order to address it even after losing most of her time with the kids and even in the face of clear evidence of it (recordings of her, etc.).

I pray constantly for her to seek help and recover. I’ve moved on/remarried, but I want my kids to have a healthy mom and a healthy relationship with her.

[ArtByEllice]

When I’m going through this it helps me just to take some distance. Rather than just cutting someone off completely and forever I just remember to be kind to them but to also be kind to myself and honour my feelings by giving myself some space from that person. When I split I often feel a lot of hatred towards a person and it causes me to get extremely annoyed by anything they do even if they’ve done nothing wrong and I know they haven’t, so it’s best for both of us if I just do my own thing for a bit! And we can hang out again when the moment has passed. You just need to say you’re feeling a bit down and need some alone time for a bit - any good friend will understand that!

[GeordieTASKER]

My group celebrate recovery uses H.E.A.R.T (hurt, exhausted, angry, resentful, tired) rather than halt. Both good and similar though

[jared]

Im not officially diagnosed but ive watched a lot of videos on BPD and how it affects relationships and i relate to literally every single thing 100%. What is hurtful though is when people insinuate thst im a narcisist. Ive also been accused of manipulation in the past. Now I am gaining more understanding of my symptoms and in a way im starting to see why others may have thought I was being narcissistic.

[bellaandsevy]

A new BPD video that’s amazing. I have a friend with this and I’m trying to understand them, I think my friend is going through this with me right now and I’m happy I can understand it more thank you!

Edit: thanks for all the likes and to clarify she doesn’t know what BPD really is and won’t read / watch anything I show her so I have to do most of the research but she is a good friend and I know she needs me

[marleyabbott]

i honestly have to laugh at myself for how stupid my thoughts can be surrounding splitting. like a teacher at my school literally just said to me "make sure you wash some dishes when you're done" and I started getting so upset because I thought "i always do dishes, why does she hate me???" god i hate my brain haha. thankyou for this video though this is a struggle that i go through on the daily

[lalolajimenez]

I have BPD and I split ALL THE TIME! And not just on one person. Can be a group of people or even a thing like a church or the idea of something. I wanna make a video on it but I'm still learning my triggers

[janinebean]

I don’t have bpd, but I feel like I’ve kind of done this in the past in a different way. I found it really hard to leave someone if I saw any redeeming qualities in them, but this reaction always ended up being pretty late in the game. I would give people too many chances, then when it was the final straw I would cut them off completely and have to convince myself they were completely horrible evil people to be able to do that. Now, I’ve had enough experience with toxic relationships to know that everybody has good and bad in them. I can accept the good things about them while also knowing that I have limits and I’m not willing to put up with certain things just because they’re not completely irredeemably evil. I’ve accepted that it’s not my job to fix everyone and having some good in them does not mean people are entitled to treat me like trash. I can wish someone well and hold space for their complexity without feeling responsibility for their problems.

[JordanJSparks]

Wow, I actually learned I had NO IDEA what 'Splitting' actually is!! Thank you for this video Kati!

[gingertroy]

I have BPD. This helped me thank you, I like how you said look for those absolutes, "always" "never" that helps a lot.