Splitting: A Borderline Personality Disorder Defense Mechanism

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

In psychology, "splitting" refers to a defense mechanism where individuals perceive people, situations, or events as entirely good or entirely bad, with no middle ground. It is commonly associated with borderline personality disorder (BPD) but can be observed in other psychological conditions as well.

This video will cover possible outcomes from splitting and a technique to help you manage it to gain control and empower yourself to continue to grow beyond your BPD.

Daniel J. Fox, Ph.D., is a licensed psychologist in Texas, international speaker, and a multi-award-winning author. He has been specializing in the treatment and assessment of individuals with personality disorders for over 20 years in the state and federal prison system, universities, and in private practice. His specialty areas include personality disorders, ethics, burnout prevention, and emotional intelligence.

He has published several articles in these areas and is the author of:

Complex Borderline Personality Disorder: How Coexisting Conditions Affect Your BPD and How You Can Gain Emotional Balance. Available at:

Thank you for your attention and I hope you enjoy my videos and find them helpful and subscribe. I always welcome topic suggestions and comments.

Citation: Oldham, J.M, et al. (2010). Practice Guideline for The Treatment of Patients with Borderline Personality Disorder. Washington, DC: American Psychiatric Association.
00:00 Introduction
05:20 Depression
08:38 Managing your splitting

[CRex]

The worst part about BPD is when you put someone on a pedestal and when they do something that goes against your expectations of them being "pure" and then you suddenly hate them. It's horrible. :(

[Tamsin_bear]

For me, it’s not that I feel hate for the person when I split, or that I suddenly think they are an awful person. I just feel so, so angry at them when I think they are abandoning me/letting me down and I convince myself they aren’t this amazing person I thought they were. It’s not so much hate, but hurt and anger. Then, they’ll call/text me or do something that makes me instantly idealise them again. The rollercoaster is so intense, it makes me feel like sometimes it’s not worth letting people get so close. It hurts too much.

[davtri]

"you can grow beyond splitting' how hopeful the sentence is

[MrSaltphone]

"I can't wait to find out why I'm going to eventually hate you in about three months or less." This thought goes through my mind when I first meet people who I instantly idealize.

[TheHouseOffice]

I find that its helpful when I'm idealizing someone to remind myself "They have flaws, and they make mistakes. I have dealt with their flaws. They're imperfect just like me and anyone else." And when I want to devalue them, I'm too emotional to think so I rely on old journal lists of their good qualities and the things they have done for me - I read those and it helps me get back to center.

[DeviantMotives]

I wish other therapist were like you. I’m a psych nurse and I have never heard a doctor speak in a caring manner towards a person with BPD. Wish you practiced in Virginia

[qaqoia]

I was in the middle of having a huge crisis and about to split on my partner, I had an enormous urge to hurt myself but instead I just cried it out while I searched for some practical advice and then I came across this video. I'm 10 minutes in and you have no idea how much it's helping me right now. Just thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

[Sapphirezkillahitz]

I didn’t know it was called splitting but I cut people off easily and would rather be alone

[rusty]

What I have come to notice is that when I feel ‘betrayed’, the pain is so deep and crushing.
I want the person to feel the same pain I feel and I do it by any means necessary. It sounds so malicious but I can say that it is true suffering inside of me. I feel like the person is a demon and therefore I say horrible things or ignore them, or behave in a certain way because I want them to feel what I feel.

[xiolaamapola]

When I get mad at someone or feel they've done me wrongly, I just erase myself from their life. It's easier than any kind of conflict with them.

[reallyaznokidding]

I appreciate your tone and being non-judgemental.
It helps me listen and not tune you out.

[serenewater]

This is the first professional I've found to actually breakdown USEFUL steps to manage splitting

[nadiazielinska]

Splitting doesn't feel like a habit for me, it feels like I'm out of control and it just 'happens' in my head and I'm left confused and not even sure where to start in trying to make some sense out of it or actually figuring out what the grey is. But the way you explain things and the way you re-enforce hope makes me feel a lot better about it all

[nadaadel]

Worst thing about BPD that the lack of the grey zone, you just wanna live life to extreme, love and be successful and be active, then you fall back to not getting out of your bed. you wanna hurt yourself but you are also obsessed with your body.

[lindakelehan]

Just ordered 2 of your books. I'm 67 and you are finally making me understand what is wrong with me. I instinctively felt there was something more than depression going on with me. You've given me hope that I can change and heal.❤

[olivertalks]

I never really related to the whole "I hate you I love you" aspect of BPD. but then you said "mistakes feel intentional" and I went oh! that's why I have such a hard time forgiving people even when I acknowledge their apology and know they weren't coming from a malicious POV, and that's why I hold die hard grudges against people.

my family gets annoyed that I "only listen to what I want to hear". I have the same attitude towards myself when I make mistakes, and it's soul crushing.

and when someone meets my expectations, or they're someone who I want to be like, it's hard for me to see their flaws. because as far as I'm aware: if they have a personality trait that I like then they can't be a bad person, otherwise how would they have that trait? Thanks for the video Dr Fox, happy bpd awareness month!

[bigyeticane]

Not everyone can afford competent therapy. Thanks for posting these videos, sir. The fact that they are free and you make them easy to understand is a great thing. You are helping a lot of people without a gimmick. It is hope-inspiring stuff. Thank you very much.

[mostthegames]

The splitting starts for me when my insecurities are triggered. Even just seeing someone or something on facebook will drive me to something like a splitting episode. I feel so much anger.

[jaymietalks]

I am one of those borderline patients who is trying so hard to see the gray, but still gets overwhelmed and falls back on old techniques. I just bought the workbook and I am seeing a DBT specialist. These videos give me the extra boost everyday.

[Nutmeg]

Thank you for this explanation. I was raised by a BPD mother and the constant splitting left me feeling very confused and insecure growing up. One day a friend or relative was great and the next day I was told not to trust them. Now I understand what was going on in my mother’s brain and brings me a small step closer to forgiving her.