TRAUMA BONDING Explained

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Trauma bonds are emotional bonds with an individual that arise from a recurring, cyclical pattern of abuse perpetuated by intermittent reinforcement through rewards and punishments. People with CPTSD have sometimes been conditioned by traumatic bonding during childhood; the pattern often continues in adult relationships. Here's what it looks like, and here's what to do when you find yourself trauma bonded.
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[purplefireweed]

You perfectly describe my old relationship, which I have been free of for six years, after 8 years of that constant hot/cold plus gaslighting sprinkled with ragefests. Everything you say rings true, especially about creating and maintaining connections with real friends. The isolation of trauma bond relationship creates deep wounds.

[gailroland]

Wow...I am willing to accept "crumbs" because that's the very best I got as a kid.

[shirle]

"Just like you were a kid" is the important phrase. Most ppl with trauma bonding grew up with it. It was what we know as "love". Hard to shake it off.

[elizawrobel]

I used to be so scared of romantic relationships, was single for a long time. When I finally opened up, it was a trauma bond with a narcissist. Hot and cold, breaking up and coming back together, I was always thinking there is something wrong with me, if I only behaved better, he would give me the love I want. After one break up, I decided I have enough. I deserve to be loved, drama free.
Now I'm in a happy one and a half year relationship. It's not perfect, I still have some of my CPTS patterns, but I am still learning. I am meant to receive and give love. <3

[lc]

Nobody talks about how good it feels to "make everything ok" when you're in an abuse cycle. Thank you for telling people about this.

[cecischaeffer]

I think I had a trauma bond while I was molested from age 15 through 21, when my biological father constantly threatened abandonment if I did not comply. I thought it was love. I am now 65 and I still suffer from the guilt for participating in this hell. Now I can put a name to it and understand why I stayed in this horrific abuse.

[CyborgForgael]

One thing to look out for: an abusive partner knows that they can keep you by limiting your connections to other people.

[markbaker]

A lot of my hot/cold behavior is what ruined my first marriage. If your going through this, get help. Don’t wait. I wasn’t able to have a meaningful relationship until I did.

[lorraineharvey]

I was trained by my family to accept crumbs and NEVER ask for more. My adult life has kept me hooked into relationships that trauma bonded me very quickly. I had no idea, thank you. My only focus is recovery. Thank you.

[jillainenewman]

I was ghosted two months ago by my partner. He was in and out of the "relationship" for months, and I'd feel devastated and abandoned when he disappeared for 2-3 weeks at a time, and elated when he would resurface. That sounds like a trauma bond as you have described it. I should be relieved that this man is apparently now gone for good and a part of me is...yet I am absolutely devastated and have slipped into a deep, deep depression. I thank God I found this channel. The answers I seek are here.

[BeKindEarth]

I'm so done with being hooked. After 36 years I've decided to put up a wall when it comes to my husband. He's a drunk. He doesn't care enough to stop for our grandchildren myself or anyone else. I could have some forgiveness if he at least tried but he doesn't. I'm working on putting my inner peace first. Thank God the friends I do have are wonderful along with my family

[arcticfox]

I cried while listening to you speak. I have no other words but thank you

[LinYouToo]

My dad, my brother, and a highly narcissistic boss. It takes a long time to learn to trust.

[lomigreen]

This makes so much sense! I’m in a trauma bond with an old boyfriend who wants me back, but then ghost texts me sometimes when we’re making plans. And it causes me to feel anxiety. I think I’ll pass on the offer. I’m already exhausted.Great advice! Thank you,

[jennytaylor]

That chicken thing sounds horrendous, Anna!
That was a depressingly accurate description of my longest (4 year) 'relationship' with my 2nd boyfriend, at age 20. He was 30, and behaved like a gent for a whole 6 months before we officially paired-up. It was as if the very minute he realised I was 'hooked', he became abusive. I think it was the night after we first slept together. His pattern was nice, then either raging or drunk, or just drunk & raging, and he was horribly paranoid. Took me 3.5 years of knowing i had to get out to finally cut the cord, and I suffered many a humiliation in that time. It was as if I somehow knew that nobody but i could 'slay the dragon' (that's what it felt like), even when others offered to intervene. Felt fantastic when I finally did. What amazed me the most was watching this apparent grown man, who had literally terrorized me for years, disintegrate like the paper tiger that he was. We have the power, but it can take years to get away from these people. And you're right - none of it was happy. I didn't even love him. It made no sense, except to say that my dad has bad anger issues and similar patterns, minus the booze. You live in the programming of that never-ending hope for the relationship, I suppose.

[ravenel]

Spot on. I became trauma bonded to someone I met as a teenager. The thing is, I was incapable of knowing that I needed to exit because this was abusive behavior. I thought there was something wrong with me and I had to keep trying and trying and trying to find the secret formula that everyone else had. I became slightly reconnected with this person later in life, and I finally understood that when I experienced toxic behavior that meant I had to get out.

[ynntari]

I have just read about it in _The Haunted Self, _ the book of the Theory of Structural Dissociation. It is disorganised attachment, your primal attachments with your "caretakers" were both necessary and dangerous. You need these attachments to survive, to eat, to be cleaned; but these attachments hurt you in every way possible and are a threat to your survival, but you still need them to survive.
This teaches you that this is how attachments work, you get unable to get rid of it. Every hurtful attachment triggers every part of your primal trauma while making you unable to see that the primal trauma itself. You react to the new attachment as if it was the primordial parental attachment you grew up with. It's completely unresolved and your brain can't step out of it.

[kvonduyke]

I like that you aren’t necessarily finding the “Breadcrumb server” to be necessarily villainous or purposeful. They can have an avoidant attachment style from their own CPTSD. The outcome is a trauma bond for probably both parties - but maybe more viscous my for the insecurely attached of the pair. These behaviors and underlying fears are so primal - I like how you noted even a healthy adult can be triggered on this (with more intent) in wars. I found getting off my sinusoidal inner/outer critic dance was the best way to stop focusing on who is to blame - but instead look at the dance and the context and the awareness of the pattern. And you are right - the best way to leave is quietly - slip out on the next detachment and go get some nourishment from a variety of healthy relationships.

[ynntari]

My parents have two phases that cycle non-stop.
One is the heavely abusive phase, and the other is the neglectful ignoring phase.
When they're in the neglectful ignoring phase, they shame me for fearing or hating them for what they did in the heavily abusive phase, either saying it never happened or that I'm being too sensible and egoistic.

[adglen]

OMG! I was feeling sad because a sibling of mine, who always puts guilt trips on me, blamed me for something that wasn't my fault, and I was really thinking if I did something wrong, when a few minutes later, this video popped up on my phone. Talk about divine intervention, providence, whatever you want to call it! I have never heard of this term, but I knew there had to be something out there that described this terrible dynamic. This video could not have appeared in a more better time for me. In a couple of weeks, I will be moving out for the better. Thank you Crappy Childhood Fairy!