Breaking The Trauma Bonds With A Narcissist

Once you're connected with a narcissist, especially a malignant narcissist, you can know you need to exit but you have many entanglements keeping you tied down. Trauma bonds can become so strong that it is difficult to remove yourself from a toxic relationship. Dr. Les Carter describes the elements that go into trauma bonding, then offers perspective about how to maneuver through it .

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Dr. Les Carter is a best selling author and therapist who lives in Dallas, Tx. In the past 40 years he has conducted more than 60,000 counseling sessions and many workshops and seminars. He specializes in anger management and narcissistic personality disorder.

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Join Dr. Carter on our Facebook page, Surviving Narcissism, for a time of live questions and answers each Thursday at 11:30 Central Time, U.S.

[helenheggadon]

Trying to keep a narcissist happy is like trying to fill a bathtub with water, but there is no plug. You just keep pouring yourself in, but nothing holds.

[lauriedickson]

I’m actually truly shocked at how many narcs there are in this world.

[TheBerndude]

No contact whatsoever and making a clean break was essential for my sanity. Now I'm left trying to heal the part of me that tolerates sick, controlling, manipulative, unempathetic, emotionally unavailable, narcissistic women.

[suetipping]

While I was married to my narcissist, I learned to not ask for anything, not be seen or heard if possible. If I had to ask for something, I was quiet and direct, never raising my voice or becoming angry. That worked. He did threaten to kill me. I did divorce him, took our two boys, and made a home for us. I walked on egg shells for eight years and felt nothing but profound relief when I left. He is now dead, his fifth wife committed suicide. I'm not dead, I'm happy. I won.

[arregj]

I cried throughout the whole video. Left my vulnerability narcissist after 40 years of marriage. At first I was elated like I had got out of prison. Now I’m crying all the time. Trust me I do NOT want to go back but it’s still hard. I need to remember him as the narcissist that he is not the man I wanted him to be. Wonderful video it does help.

[geanieollman]

There is definitely pain leaving an abusive relationship, but the pain of not leaving is way worse. Thank you for all you do, Dr C!

[auntmayme]

“You didn’t know what you didn’t know.” Thank you.

[msdemeanour]

Trauma Bonding is caused by toxic narcissistic, abusive parents. It ruins a child's developing brain & the child continues to allow parasites into their lives when they become adults. Its very sad. Stay strong everybody. Hugs from Australia. 💟

[LouieShowers]

The first steps to breaking the bond is to find aspects of life that bring you joy that are completely removed from them in any way.

[ceilconstante]

This was the best explanation of a trauma bond. But no one has mentioned that a victim may not even realize they're being abused because it's normal to them.

[robinsmith]

Going through the break up. I am worthy, I am loved, I am on team healthy.

[louisaisthankful]

When you've been attached to a narcissist it's almost like you've had a cancer inside of you... YES!!! That is what it's like!

[tanyawatts]

1. It won’t be easy to break the trauma bond. You will need firmness and determination.
2. Remind yourself this is an abusive relationship and you didn’t ask for it.
3. Be realistic about the cost of exiting. It can be painful and frustrating. You may need to adjust.
4. Let people know about the relationship. No more keeping secrets! Be direct. The narc wanted this all isolated and contained.
5. The narc May try to reel you back in at some point. Don’t cooperate and remain firm.
6. Go NO CONTACT. If you can’t go 100% then as close as you can. They don’t change!
7. Know there will be pain and difficulty so if you are adverse to pain or conflict you might need a rethink.
8. There can be something good on the other side. Consider it like a surgery or cancer treatment. Painful but necessary for wellbeing.
9. You deserve DIGNITY, RESPECT and CIVILITY. Even though you may feel bonded the the narc, know that toxicity won’t get you that. Self care and help from others will.

FIND YOUR STEADINESS AND YOUR PEACE.

[unstoppableotter]

HOW THE TRAUMA BOND FORMS
1. Dangle promises that give you hope
2. Negatives show up, they are minimized or explained away, false optimism emerges
3. Controlling- tell you how to think, what your priorities are, isolate you away from (supportive) others
4. Once in the trauma based relationship anger comes out and is used to control you
5. Guilt, shame, threats
6. Systematically pulled into codependency, ask you to run everything by them

HOW TO ESCAPE TRAUMA BOND
1. Not easy
2. Requires major determination
3. Admit you are in an abusive situation you did not ask for
4. Be realistic about costs- it can hurt, will need to change
5. Let supportive others in on what’s Happening, stop keeping narc’s secrets
6. Narc will try to reel you back in, remain firm
7. go no contact

[ajtg]

Trauma bond is incredibly strong, it keeps you in the relationship, you don't know the bond exists until you leave and then realise that you're still attached to them... I find this absolutely abhorrent and you have to look at yourself and constantly remind yourself of reality. 2 years no contact...

[jenifersnyder]

This is so spot on. Years of feeling so confused and losing myself, believing I just became this person who could never be enough and always a disappointment and always on edge. It was startling to learn about all of this after the final discard and with therapy and support and also this education..Im starting to see the old me peeking through in my life again. I am slowly finding myself again after years of being so lost. Trauma bonds are real for victims of this abuse. The abuser easily moves on and we are left picking up the broken pieces of our minds and hearts...it is possible and I'm making my way. Thanks for the video.

[geoffreycurrie]

Simple solution: 3 steps.

1. State your needs (i need you to not interrupt me).
They get upset and gaslight you (blame things on you).
They might avoid the subject (often by bringing up your mistakes)

2. Leave. JUST LEAVE! (There will never be a solution. It will never get better)

3. No excuses. Ask 'God' to help guide your escape.

You're welcome.

[ssweetthang]

It's very hard when they've isolated you from all your family and friends. So you're all alone and have to rebuild those relationships.

[aknightofcamelot]

I'm in the process of healing. I'm finding out that to break the trauma bond you look at yourself in the mirror and say "I love you", instead of looking at the way the narc. treats you and say to yourself and what they say about your during the devalue phase "I hate you."

[IzabelaWaniek-ix]

Trauma bond is an evil spiritual bond that must be cut. We are all born free and must protect our freedom from all kinds of insidious bondage traps. Thank you so much dr Carter ❤