Addicted to Toxic Love? Trauma Bonds Explained - Terri Cole

Have you ever wondered what makes you vulnerable to trauma bonding?

Or how to tell if you are in a trauma-bonded relationship versus one based on mutuality or true love?

From the questions I've received, many of you want a deeper understanding of trauma-bonded relationships: what are the signs and symptoms, and what does it mean?

Watch this video for everything you need to know to protect yourself and your relationships.

*Time Stamps*
0:00 - Introduction
2:07 - What is trauma bonding?
4:30 - Signs of trauma bonding in relationships
11:53 - Aspects of a healthy relationship
15:45 - Cycle of abuse

*If You Enjoyed This, Watch These Videos*

*About Terri Cole*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist, global relationship and empowerment expert, and the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free.

For over two decades, Terri has worked with a diverse group of clients that includes everyone from stay-at-home moms to celebrities and Fortune 500 CEOs.

*Connect With Me*

*Resources to Check out*

I’m not currently taking any new one-on-one therapy or coaching clients, but highly recommend using BetterHelp to find a therapist that fits your needs. As a team, we have fully vetted BetterHelp's resources. If you choose to sign up for Better Help's service, I will receive a commission on the referral but please know that I only recommend services that I know & trust.

#terricoleshow #relationshiptips #toxicrelationships

[YukonFox]

I know that I’m trauma bonded. I’ve tried numerous times to go No Contact. It’s an addiction like no other. I feel ashamed and doomed.

[carmenl]

I think the predisposition part is very important, and usually ignored. It seems like adult, mature people get into a trauma bond without wondering WHY they put up with it. Someone stable, secure and full of self respect will never allow a trauma bond to happen. But we do, because we have a child wound that we think this person can heal. That's the bait.

[tamterell]

It’s when they become defensive…at every little thing and inquiry.

[LizShepherd-oche]

This is one of the best videos I have watched on this. I was in a trauma bond, but I managed to break free 5 months ago, but it took me about a year. I kept trying to get away, but couldn't. He would make me feel amazing one minute, then drop me like a stone the next. He would create intense confusion, we had such physical chemistry, he would say that he has strong feelings for me, then say it's just a casual thing for him. It broke me. He once finished with me, then hoovered me back in the next day. I was emotionally distraught that night. I remember the feeling every time we made up and got back together. I was so happy. But I knew he would start ignoring me again after a few days. It turned in to an obsession. I didn't know what was happening to me. Thank goodness for YouTube. By watching videos here, I was able to understand that he was narcissistic and would never change. I still have to see him sometimes as his son goes to the same school as my daughter. It's still painful having to see him, but I feel like myself again since I finally broke free.

[ladyrois]

I really don't want to hit the thumbs up on this video, and I really don't want to acknowledge how much I saw of myself in it. What I'd like to have is the video that says what the next steps are.

Thank you for your work

[anjijack]

Spot on. We were addicted to each other. He even told me verbatim. I found myself constantly making excuses for his behavior. It was extremely sexual up front. It "felt" like true love. We didn't even realize we were doing this to each other. But, even though it took me 4 years to finally let him go once and for all back in February. It's been torture, but I haven't had any contact with him since. I've turned a huge corner and have just NOW have started to truly heal. I was incredibly ashamed of staying. And being that it was an LDR just prolonged the ability to see things for what they were. I was very myopic. 🙏🏻💔

[DD-rymm]

"You cant even trust YOURSELF that you cant protect YOURSELF"😢😢 thats deeply how I feel.

[Martty_]

I couldn't stop crying when Terri mentioned Vik hugged her while she was I a bad mood. How many of us require that from our parents and friends and partners. All I received from my grief was people telling me call me when u want help. I haven't had someone make any effort to huh me or say I am your support and I will be there .thank u Terri, your tone of voice is very comforting. I'm going through a very very hard time and Ur such a huge blessing. God bless u and Vik🌺

[flyingcheff]

Omg! I cannot express enough how SHOCKING it is to speak of hardship (trauma bonding included, especially) to a friend that just has it quite a bit easier- in a zillion ways (not poor, not sick, not alone, did I mention, not poor?) - by simple fortune. The whole, "I don't get it, can't you just/you should just....". Mind boggling. How small the world of some...

[gregariasanchez]

Todas mis relaciones de pareja han sido así, un poco más cortas o más largas. Y han sido con alcohólicos. Ahora entiendo que mi familia de origen: mi padre alcohólico y mi madre dependiente con tendencias narcisistas, que me enseñaron los papeles que después escenifiqué en mi vida, con la excepción de que no soy narcisista sino una empática super sensible. De algún modo terminé entendiendo que mientras no superara la relación tóxica con mi madre, no sería capaz de tener una relación de pareja seria y no tóxica.
En eso estoy, entendiendo y superando mis traumas. Y tú, Terri querida, me has ayudado un montón! Mil gracias!

[sally]

You just had me in tears with your honesty, but, more importantly, your brilliance in succinctly laying out what to look for and the why individuals do what they do. Your work is so incredibly valuable! Thank you 🙏 ❤.
I was struggling today as to the “why” I am so stuck on this one person after a year and knowing for awhile something was not right. This may be why. It’s so hard because he seemed to be a sheep in wolves clothing - consciously or unconsciously- either way it is so disappointing and disheartening- and to be honest - so confusing. It’s a rotten way to view a person/ situation. Hard to come to terms with the reality.
Also listen to you towards the end - trauma bond is a fantasy- ties into to what I just learned about limerence - does that make sense? Maybe you can touch on limerence?

[Lindokuhle.Nkwanyane]

How do I get out of a trauma bond in a way that doesn’t harm the other person?

I have been trying to get out of one so many times but I find myself back with them.
The entire relationship feels overwhelmingly toxic and I am unhappy but I notice the other person never experiences any of the hardships I go through. Instead every single time I suggest we call it quits, they are always surprised and my wanting to break things up is called into question.

I already struggle with the idea of being without them so I continuously find myself back with them, apologising for the reasons why I wanted to break up initially. (ie feeling unloved, unseen, unconsidered, and confused.

The cycle is never ending.
The reality of being in the same environment as them everyday makes things so much harder.

[tararawson]

Literally watching this with my mouth hanging open. Mic drop moment after mic drop moment. I thought I was destined to be with the boy I fell in love with at 16. Two destroyed relationships later, and any time he had the opportunity to be with me, he never took it. Only wanted me when he didn't want me. But we both believed we were destined to be together. that's why we can't stay away from each other. THis video has just described the last 20 years of my life.

[prant]

Thanks Terri, yes the trauma bond, very similar to, "Stockholm Syndrome, ” where a cycle of abuse, then kindness will make any human bond strongly with an abuser. With my Honey Bunny, her tantrums were so insane and meaningless, and also short duration, I had trouble wondering if I dreamed them! But, sure enough, a couple of months later we were back in crazy town with some disproportionate anger episode. Why? Made no sense, but she liked it, and maybe, enjoyed the pain she was giving out.

[shellshelly]

WOW! This has not been a mystery to me that for the last seven years, I am in the exact situation you describe Terri. And I am fully aware it is damaging to my well being. It’s been back and forth and back and forth, too many embarrassing times to count. How does one PERMANENTLY leave this type of relationship? When apart, after a short time, the feeling is dark and excruciating. I am not ever successful at ending what needs to end. We are now two days in the break up mode again, after weeks of “bliss.”

[claudianehring]

Every. Single. Word. Describes. That. 10 year. I finally walked away 2 1//2 years ago!!!!

[naphtaliministries]

Wow. I recognize myself in this. Thank you sooo much for sharing your wisdom.

[annamarsch]

This was the best definition and explaination of what a trauma bond acutally is.
Thank you. It helps temendiously to understand what was going on.

[theperfectautumn]

Spot on!! Thanks for your work here ~

[dianeclayton]

Thank you for this Teri! I'm so exhausted from the suffering. I got out for 5 years...started talking 2 years ago...wish I hadn't done that. I'm back to the same cycle. Hypervigilant, hurting. This is horrible to live with. Im psychologically aware, but my body is screaming. I gave up booze 5 years ago. It was nothing like this...and I was a dying bona-fide alcoholic.