7 STAGES of Trauma Bond, NOT LOVE

Ever felt like you couldn't break away from someone, even if you knew they weren't good for you? That's what we call a 'trauma bond' or 'trauma bonding'. It's when you get really attached to someone, even if they're not treating you right.

In this video, we'll talk about the 7 stages of this bond, so you can understand why it happens and how to deal with it. We'll also look at how this bond connects to codependency, especially in relationships with narcissists or people with NPD. Our goal is to help you see the difference between real love and a toxic attachment. If you've ever felt stuck in a bad relationship, this video is here to give you some friendly advice on how to break free and find healthier connections.

#traumabond #trauma #narcissist #npd

NOTE TO SEO: ADD POP UP CARD FOR “TOXIC RELATIONSHIP SIGNS” IN THE The Cognitive Dissonance Stage POINT

NOTE TO SEO: ADD “4 Reasons Why You Can't Leave a Toxic Relationship" IN THE OUTRO AS END SCREEN VIDEO.

Writer: Chloe Avenesa
Editor: Kelly Soong
Script Manager: Kelly Soong
Thumbnail Artist: Krisha Que
Animator: FLEURI
Youtube Manager: Cindy Cheong

References:
Carnes, P. (1997). The Betrayal Bond: Breaking Free of Exploitive Relationships. Health Communications.
Festinger, L. (1957). A Theory of Cognitive Dissonance. Stanford University Press.
Firestone, L. (2013). The Fantasy Bond: Structure of Psychological Defenses. Routledge.
Freeman, R. (2016). Neurobiology and the 'Bond'. The National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Herman, J. (1992). Trauma and Recovery. Basic Books.
Van der Kolk, B. (2014). The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma. Viking.
Weitzman, S. (2000). Not To People Like Us: Hidden Abuse In Upscale Marriages. Basic Books.

[pamelamaia.filipinas]

I just left a trauma bonding relationship with a "Nice Guy Narcissist" few days ago and the feeling of freedom is amazing. I was so drained, feeling like my body was begging me to run away from that relationship. My gut/stomach was hurting everyday, and it still does every time I remember my ex.
It was not easy though.. leaving a relationship like this requires a lot of courage to face the loneliness that comes after. We get so used to all that love bombing attention, we get literally addicted to that.. but I can tell you my friends, once you are out of this situation, life gets much much much much better in all aspects.

Choose yourself always. Choose self-respect over your feelings. Sending love to you all <3

[kleinexpoetin]

0:52 love bomb stage
1:39 devalue stage
2:15 discard stage
2:58 hoover stage
3:25 cognitive dissonance stage
4:11 break free stage
4:54 healing stage

[becky]

Beautifully explained. To anyone going though this…you will be okay and you deserve to be truly loved and cherish. You absolutely can do this for yourself. I did after a 24 year toxic relationship. I’m single and now loving life. Sending hugs to anyone who need it ❤

[misspat]

What made me vulnerable was that I was trained to take pride in being “strong” in ignoring and suppressing my feelings from toddlerhood. So even though I was determined not to put up with being abused, on a deeper level, I could not acknowledge the feelings that indicated I was BEING abused. By the time he hit me, we were married, owned a house together, and I was 7 months pregnant with his child. I knew then that I had to leave, but had to wait several months for it to even be possible without seriously endangering myself and our baby. Even so, my life was in serious danger, and I’m lucky he moved on fairly quickly. Feelings are GOOD, they help us stay safe, even if they are inconvenient or uncomfortable! Don’t stay with someone who makes you feel icky; “bad vibes” are a totally valid reason to stop things in the first few dates! 😮‍💨

[Sin-rxzd]

I'm just relieved it's over and that I finally have choose to love myself it hurts but I am truly relieved

[cristinavelinaphotography]

Awesome video! A little remark though, not in all trauma bonds the "toxic" part is trying to harm the other. Many times they have no idea that they cause harm. Trauma bond happens because of the people having a bad relation with themselves, based on the distorted/unhealthy thinking patterns that they are not aware of, that are caused by different traumas they got through, especially the childhood ones.

[pengvang]

I was in a situationship where I would get the "I love you" and "I miss you texts" and I thought about going back to her and maybe there could have been something different. But then, I remembered the reasons why I left, she drained me, she was toxic but also kind in both ways to others and to me, but more importantly, she has a boyfriend too. And so now, I'm just done. We all deserve better. We got this!

[slackerofhell]

I was in a situationship for 8 months that ended nearly 2 months ago now. She refused to date me because i didn't have my life together, which is fair. However, she constantly bombarded me with "I love you's" and "You're my everything's" throughout the entire time we were together. Two months ago, she met a guy and they started hanging out. She trauma bonded with him and in the course of a week they started dating. I was blindsided. We weren't "official" but it still feels like I was cheated on.

She'd get drunk and berate me in the evening and apologize to me in the morning. She could be so mean and aggressive. Yet, for some messed up reason, i still care for her deeply. I miss her, even though she was terrible to me 75% of the time. I'm still trying to get it together after it all happened, but it's really, really hard. I'm so lost inside 😞 💔

[bluemoon]

Remember this can happen for friendships too. I was only 9 when I met my abuser, and 12 when I got out. I recognize these steps now. We were never in a romantic relationship, but what she did was unspeakable. I sometimes fear for what has become of her, but overall, I'm ok now.

[danysaavedra]

A couple of years ago I was in one of the most toxic relationships I ever had, he took me to a deep depression and anxiety. I recognized all the stages mentioned in the video and it is true, they put you in a roller coaster of emotions where in one moment you are in the scariest point and next in the safest.
Now after a long way of healing I can proudly say that I have chose to love someone again, love is not like a roller coaster anymore.
I hope more people could get out of toxic relationships and have support around them because it is not easy, but if you want to have a healthy bond with other you should start from yourself.

[LucasFernandez-troq]

i didn't knew, i was being the toxic one. Now i can see why she stopped talking to me, i thought things were perfect but she just sudenly dissapeared, so this is how she saw me, man i never wanted to harm her at all, because she was the only friend that i had, but my toxic behaviour and my insecurities made her leave. I tried to be more open and talk to her about these things, and that i wanted to change them because i hated how much harm they were causing to me and other around me. Maybe i opened myself too much, thinking she would understand, but in reality made her leave even more. now i only have my cat by my side, it feels strange, even tho i had a shitty life i always at least had someone, a best friend that had my back and was there to help me. But now? i have nothing but myself, it really does feel strange, not having friends, at least the last months of therapy made me learn a lot of things and slowly im learning to truly love myself and be someone worthy of being loved. im trying, i really am, im sorry if my insecurities and the bad things about me made her loose all the love and care she had, but i really want to change them. i vented a little too much, its been a couple of months since i talked to someone about this, not having friends it is really a strange experience

[reidflemming]

Just wanna say to anyone who’s just broken the cycle of a trauma bond..
I know it feels like shit but it gets way better. You come back way stronger.
Just hang in there… love yourself..
Make sure you’re eating and brushing your teeth and showering… don’t stay in bed too much. Even if walking feels impossible… movement is better than stagnation!
Good luck y’all much love

[PspTomisi]

Cool video, My relationship of 5 years ended a month ago. The love of my life decided to leave me, I really love her so much I can’t stop thinking about her, I’ve tried my very best to get her back in my life, but to no avail, I’m frustrated, I don’t see my life with anyone else. I’ve done my best to get rid of the thoughts of her, but I can’t, I don’t know why I’m saying this here, I really miss her and just can’t stop thinking about her.

[Morastbiene]

Thank you for talking about this. I'm glad that more and more people are learning about the patterns of narcissistic relationships. It's one hell of a thing to experience this kind of abuse. Mine lasted six years (on and off) and it's been three years since my abuser and I last talked. The aftermath of it all felt even worse to me than the abuse, but over time I've come to understand that it's normal to feel as if the world comes crushing down on you once it's finally over. If you're going through this, rest assured that it's part of the process and that it'll pass, but you have to give yourself permission to let go of them. It's your cue to focus on yourself and stop pouring your everything into people who will let you down for all eternity.

[Aan]

Timestamps
1). Love bombs 0:51
2). Devalue 1:38
3). Discard 2:14
4). Hoover 2:57
5). Cognitive dissonance 3:24
6). Break free 4:10
7). Healing 4:52

Hope this helps you out. Hope you have a nice day. 💙💙💙💙💙💙

[brain_respect_and_freedom]

It's beneficial to view love as a marathon, not a sprint.
When we adopt a mindset focused on building a strong foundation of communication for long-term relationships, we are less inclined to rely on shortcuts. Sometimes, individuals begin relationships with fireworks, expecting an abundance of dopamine with each interaction, only to find that over time, their love dwindles.
I seek relationships where we gradually learn more about each other every day, deepening our love with each passing day.🙋

[AngelTrazo]

I was in a toxic relationship for nearly 4 years. Even though it’s now been over a year since the breakup, I’m still in the process of healing. Hoping that others who are anxious about leaving their abusers find the strength to love themselves and leave.

[kyssedbyfyre]

Making these videos available to the public is of IMMEASURABLE IMPORTANCE! (Should be taught during K-12 IMO🤷🏻‍♀️) I came from my first 18 years of life in a household of domestic violence & abuse, and went straight into 17 more w my first husband. I knew nothing else. I had no safeguards or clues about how to protect myself AT ALL. I missed many years of school & socialization. I'll leave out the graphic details. The result is a derailed life and multiple chronic illnesses/chronic pain by mid 30s. I was born in 1974 and yet only since 2010 has my abuse ended. I NEVER knew how to advocate for myself. I never knew my worth. I am struggling DAILY to find myself. Thankfully, along with therapy, there are many resources, like this channel helping us put together all the broken pieces. I still have lots of hope. Haven't always. But I do right now...

[emag]

For me, it was a friendship instead of a partner. It lasted for years, and I thought I was nothing without that friend, with everything I did depending on whether or not she'd like me more for it. Looking back at all our good times, it's sad to remember that I was walking on eggshells and had to read her expression whenever I said something remotely different. We don't really talk anymore, and my other friends have shown me what true love really looks like <3

[kazurxi]

my relationship kinda feels like this, but im the one "manipulating" them, i genuinely didn't realize this as im slowly healing