What is Codependency?

This video answers the question: What is codependency? When we talk about the term codependency or codependence, we oftentimes think of the word “dependent.” Sometimes the term codependency becomes confused with dependency and specifically dependent personality disorder. Let's take a look at the definition of codependence. Codependence actually has a few different meanings and one is much more common than the other. The less common meaning would be any relationship where the level of dependence exceeds what is healthy. Under this definition, codependence isn't much different than dependence. The more common definition for codependence is in a relationship where one person has a substance use disorder, extreme personality traits (e.g. a personality disorder), or other mental disorders. The codependent party is the individual who is the caregiver to that person with the disorder. Codependence by itself is not a mental health disorder, so it's not in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual (DSM). We see a lot of features with codependent behavior that line up with a number of diagnostic criteria across a number of mental disorders, but in and of itself codependence is not a disorder. It has a number of features including increased levels of anxiety and depression, decreased levels of trust, difficulty being assertive, need for control, boundary problems, concerns about abandonment, victims of abuse, and they tend to think that if they failed to provide the support that they do provide that everything would fall apart. This leads to a sense of being trapped. Another feature we see with codependency is that it feeds into a sense of identity. It becomes how person identifies. We could also think of this as creating a sense of purpose. If the symptoms of the substance use disorder remitted that would threaten the individual who's codependent in terms of their sense of identity and their sense of purpose. We also see a feature here with codependency, which is to protect the individual a substance use disorder from consequences. The individual who is codependent often tries to maintain things the way they are. They don't want change and fear of change is actually one of the features we see with codependency.

[JoeDirt-elfr]

You usually see this when one parent is a narcissist. The parent traumatizes the child to be dependent on them for survival.

[jackiesorrells]

To frequently couples interpret codependency as a means to show love and that dynamic is passed on children.

[angelinastanton]

This video was so helpful in explaining codependency and how it differs from dependency. I have constantly watched family members who enable other family members with a substance use disorder by giving them money, more medication, getting them out of legal troubles, etc. I have also found myself being pressured to enable family members and struggled with being assertive towards them. I see how this ugly cycle manifests and how individuals feed off of one another. It was very helpful to learn more about codependency and the consequences of being codependent or enabling someone.

[meemoo]

I don't know if I am the codependent type. For two years I was in a relationship with someone who is an alcoholic, a smoker. Besides he has bad food habbits and is overweight. I always felt responsible to protect him from the consequences, from doing harm to others or to himself. All the nights he was drunk and didn't know what he was doing, all the mornings he couldn't remember what he did when he was drunk. I hated that. When I could not stand it anymore and I ended it, it seems he got his life under control. He is now married and his wife is expecting. For me he couldn't do the simplest thing, let alone starting a family. I feel, he stole my energy and time :(
I don't know why I felt in such a relationship with such a person!

[rhondabaileyyy]

I seen several families who have codependency. They seem to feel trapped. I have also been able to witness how freeing it is when they get out of the situation.

[Lionesse-z]

This is me to a "T." Only difference that I no longer involve myself with addicts.

[janicedixon]

Thanks for your insight. Happy to hear it is normal to be a little co-dependent in a significant other. I never viewed myself as a dependent person I would say I’m very independent but after learning a bit more about codependency, I would say that I have a codependent relationship.

[rejaneoliveira]

There is so much misinformation on social media. I was listening to something unrelated in this construct came about, however it was described very differently than the way you did.

Anyways, thank you so much for doing what you do. I know I can always rely on your videos for trustworthy information.

[johnharrisjr]

I can see where a caregiver might think they are helping the person with substance use disorder by enabling them. The end result is that they are helping the person go deeper in addiction

[denniscwalina]

Is codependency a means obtain their emotional needs by caring for those who are invulnerable positions?

[adambrowne]

I can see how the term codependence could have many different meanings in the therapeutic setting. This helped to clear it up for me!

[veronicabetz]

Thank you for clarifying these terms. I didn't know that codependence wasn't much different than dependence, and that codependent individuals (caregivers) displayed a lot of different behaviors.

[EarthBoundBean]

Oh my god this is describing me. Thw boundry problems, anxiety, need for approval, lack off trust, issues with h abandonment. Its all there, i alway knew it was odd how attached i get to things and people.

[Sarcasmarkus]

Thanks for describing it with such clarity, other channels like to describe it in terms just about feelings without describing behaviors or reasons for the behaviors.

[walexander]

I think my girlfriend might be codependent with me. She's in college and is a single mom with little income. I feel like our relationship is mostly about me caring about her and her health. Which I do, but it seems like that is where the feelings of true love are coming from for me. I help support her and sometimes I feel she has sex with me because of that but still it feels like true love because we seem to have that relationship that can last as we have already gone through so much together. But still I feel it is not completely healthy as it never has really followed the normal relationship steps. It went straight from chatting online, having good conversation and into me helping her, me caring for her if she is sick, me helping her with her kid. But still I feel hooked, I don't feel it s a burden but I feel she may be using me even though it feels so right for me right now.

In some ways t feels like Munchausen syndrome like I'm afraid if she gets through the gauntlet of college and having little income she will leave me so I want her to stay needy forever. But I don't act on these thoughts. I actively cheer her on and tell her that these hard times are not forever, call her smart, and strong as she is. But still I want her to know I'm still here when she makes it. Maybe she will pick me.

[mkaytherebud]

Whoa... Ive been trying to find out more about myself recently and mature- This is exactly what I needed. You just described a whole lot that Im going through.

[virginiamurrey]

This was a very informational video in understanding the difference between co-dependency and dependency.

[hklausen]

It sounds like you can also be codependent with a person who suffers from CPTSD. Am I right about that?

[aroguereptilian]

My npd father is more bearable than my codependent mother imo. I definitely didnt see it that way growing up though.

[montelo]

Love your videos. They're very informative and easy to understand. Thank you Dr. Grande.