Anxious Attachment: Using Space And Self-Regulation To Build Intimacy

[maren]

its a trip to realize that if you're used to being anxiously attached, being secure feels like being avoidant

[amandawitman]

1. when something seems off in the relationship, affirm that and slow down
2. lean back and self-regulate outside of the relationship
3. normalize space as a regular part of a healthy relationship; accepting the possibility of loss is absolutely essential
4. locate your feelings in your body and identify your needs
5. reconnect to communicate your needs ("I" language) and negotiate agreements

Do I have that right? Folks, this video is worth a careful listen! Really helpful/life-changing stuff here, for me at least.

[PT-zzks]

In my experinece anxious partners are not clingy once they feel secure and validated. The best way to keep your attachment system at ease for an anxious partner is to date someone who is secure and giving you what you need in a relationship

[kristenbcoolpplrwatching]

I’m anxious attached. I replaced questions like “are you upset with me” and “did I do something wrong” with “I noticed a shift in your mood (responsiveness, attentiveness, communication, etc). We don’t have to talk right now about this shift, but I’m open to talking about it when you’re ready.”

As the anxious attached person, naming that I noticed something helps to calm my anxiety enough to actually do the slowing way down and giving space as stated in the video. It also takes the pressure off the avoidant partner to have an answer right away.

[TSAONGAF]

Being a psychology junkie I have to admit Heidi has a unique talent of explaining complex concepts in ways that are so easy to digest that even children would get it 🙌❤️

[hgzmatt]

This is definitely me, although I'm learning to be more comfortable with having space and not communicating 24/7. Unfortunately for you to learn this you have to be in a relationship, because no other relationships like friendships will trigger this in me. It's really the romantic ones that get to me.

[paige]

Literally just talked me off a ledge of reaching out and texting. Working on self-soothing and leaning back in the relationship by doing my beauty routines, taking bubble baths, gardening, binge watching my fav shows, painting my nails, baking cookies, focusing on my career, & working out. Thank you! I am anxiously attached and the guy I am dating is avoidant (surprise surprise). He is wonderful, but he takes a few days to respond after intimate moments and milestones. Love your channel, Heidi! 💕

[priyankamohanty]

I think the biggest realization for me was, that it wasn't me who was anxious. I was just with a wrong partner to begin with. I remember watching these videos on loop trying to calm down my anxiety and deal with all the panic attacks that were caused. Thinking there was something I could do. I was just with a partner who failed to take accountability for their actions and completely lacked empathy as a human being. when you date someone like that you are bound to feel shitty because they not only lack basic communication skills but they choose to not treat you as a human being. It's not their fault, maybe they just never learnt this concept to begin with. And that's okay. But it is not your job to stay in that relationship and deal with the human being. You can choose yourself and respectfully walk away. I remember dealing with his commitment phobia even if he was 5 years older than I was. And the worst part was he didn't know what he wanted. He kept me on the loop, never communicated clearly what he really wanted and would detatch and attach according to his convenience. If anxiety wasn't a natural reaction to his behavior, I don't know what is.

My current partner, makes me feel seen and is able to understand my emotions. Most importantly treats me like a valid human being. So naturally the anxiety faded, coz well I found someone who reassured me. But also I came to the conclusion that it is not other person's responsibility to deal with your emotional outbreak and emotional dependency on anyone is not good.

[foqtzlk]

She is bringing me to tears. "As your loving parent, Ill take care of you." Thank you.

[fredb]

Wow! I never thought about it like that. "You can't have feelings in someone else's body" yeah, it does sound ridiculous now, to say "I feel like you are mad at me". Well said.

[keeramutti]

I'm tearing up, this is what I have been feeling all week... 😭

[hi]

It’s truly so helpful to know that periods of space are normal and needed for a healthy relationship. I’ve spent so much mental energy spinning my wheels trying to figure out if him needing a day or 2 without texting is “weird” or a red flag or disrespectful in some way.

My parents are super enmeshed and codependent so I’ve never witnessed healthy space and people not being 110% locked in and keeping tabs on each other all the time. I see now that there are more healthy ways to function! Thank you

[lindaliao]

you just prevented me from setting up my relationship for failure again. you helped me save my relationship. thank you Heidi!

[colleennicholson]

I’m going through this right now! The person I’m with has pulled away and my nerves got the better of me and so did my anxious attachment style! This video was spot on! Instead of worrying about them I’m going to use the time and space to focus on me and my wants and needs! There is no reason to stop showing up for me just cause someone else isn’t! Who knows what will happen all I know is I’m thankful I saw this video ❤ and will let the space happen naturally

[MissHilPaige]

Three plus years of expensive therapy I couldn’t afford and this is the first time these concepts are making sense to me. So pulling apart is normal and it’s not a bad thing!!! GAH. Thank you!!

[hallifaxv]

this might be the best video on anxious attachment I've ever seen

[elijahgatessa]

I swear this is one of the best explanations I've seen on YouTube lol. It's not simply pull back and wait for them to be back, but pull back so that you too can evaluate and learn something about yourself, so that you have worked on something in that time apart meaning there's been growth as an upside to having the feeling of distance. Thank you for this illustration!! 😅

[srhuband]

I’m consistently baffled at how Heidi, a complete stranger, makes videos that speak directly to and essentially describe me and my life. You’ve been immensely helpful to me. Thank you, Heidi.

[heylisten]

"Always being super close and intimate and connected and never feeling alone for a moment is not a realistic portrayal of secure adult relationships; its a fantasy."

Wow. I was in a 5 year relationship exactly like this fantasy. We would pull away, but for like an hour/day tops. And I always knew it was unhealthy enmeshment. But I'm just now realizing exactly how unhealthy it was. This year has been a major struggle. Thanks for the videos!!

[asleshavallitejomurtula]

Im so anxiously attached that I'm feeling anxious evem while watching this video. 😖